The Long Distance Relationship 1

 

Phone Ringing!!!

 

Looking For it on my Bed, I found it and stared at the number on the screen, not recognizing it, but decided to pick it up anyway.

Me: Hello

The Caller: Watsup

Me: Who is this?

Caller: It me Judah

Me: Which Judah?

Caller: From Naija now, Dee unique School

Me: Oh Judah, how u doing, ooH my Gosh, How did u get my number

Judah:  I got Ur number From Ola, whoa, so how everything now, u Know is am not in Naija anymore; I am in Ukraine studying over there

Esther: I am good  and you, really that is so cool, what are u studying and do u like the place

Judah: You can’t even try and get my number, It been a long time, Anyway am studying Engineering jare, and I love the place; it mostly cold, but am getting used to it

Esther: Oh am so sorry, ever since I left Naija, I haven’t really talked to any of our classmate except Ola because he has my number, but anyway am so happy for you, and am happy you called

Judah:  Oh Okay, so Esther I have a friend here who, I showed your Picture too on Facebook, his name is Ade and he likes What he sees, so he wants to speak to you

Esther: Lol really, well kkk, is he cute? You know I don’t like Ugly Guyz, lol, let me speak to him because I will be going out soon

Judah : kkk , Hold on let me give it to him

(hears some noise in the background)

Ade: Hello

Esther: Hi, how u doing

Ade: Am fine and u

Esther: Am doing great, so I see u like my pics on Facebook!!!

Ade: Yea, U looks so pretty in the Picture, love your shape

Esther: Lol Really, well thank u, am sorry but I have to go now, am going out with my family, maybe we can talk on Skype, tell Judah to give you my Skype name or if he doesn’t have it now let me give it to you, because you sound Interesting and  I would love to see you.

Ade: Oh kk no Probs, Nice talking to you

Esther: You too, Bye



17 thoughts on “The Long Distance Relationship 1” by yinkus (@yinkus101)

  1. Okay, where’s the lady? And your protagonists grammar leave much to be desired, tush ’em up. That said, well done.

    1. Am sorry I jus wrote it the way it comes to my mind but I will try and improve on the story

  2. Huh, she said he sounds interesting? They haven’t been chatting for more than thirty seconds. Christ! And the call started with Me then switched to Esther(u think we no go know ba?). This story sounds promising but the execution is threatening to execute its chances.

    Spice up your conversations. Some places are just kinda predictable everyday tags.

    Next time and well done, of course. Writing no easy.

  3. Nice approach.. But I must confess the tale is quite nebulous. With the ‘lol’ and ‘kkk’s’ it sounded more like a chat on social media than a telephone conversation..

  4. Really wonder where this story is heading. Emmmm try to add more suspense next time so dat we can get stuck.

  5. Well,there are quite a number of things wrong with this story.
    There are punctuation slips all over the place.
    Then, tighten the plot please.
    And the girl is quite a character; hasn’t even talked with the guy for…ten seconds and she’s already liking him.Really???

    Meanwhile, is this a play or prose?
    Are you writing in first person or third person?
    Draw your readers in with something spectacular.

    You can do better than this, Yinkus.I know.

    That said, well done.

  6. Really, I don’t like this at all(I don’t mean to be rude). But all the lol and kk’s doesn’t mak it real at all. And I can’t even find the “wealth” of literature here. It doesn’t seem to have a “head or tail”. The ending doesn’t even make the reader excited to read the next.
    I knw u can do better. I’m your “no 1.” fan. *winks* Don’t let “us” down.

  7. What the what?! Is this a series too? Really are we supposed to come back for more. You want us to read a series, and you start with this? Not cool.

    Do you use ‘kkk’ and lolz while talking in real life? If your honest answer is yes, give the social media a break.
    And your work is riddled with typos; capitals in mid-sentences, lack of punctuations, misspellings and all what not.

    Sit down, plan, ask youself if the message of your story would fare well in a series. Different stories have different forms that make them appear better than they really are. Whatever this story is, a short story would work better, unless all you want are points…

    Check.

    It was Saturday, and I lay in bed flipping through a dog eared magazine, when the phone rang; an unidentified number showed on the screen, wary, I picked up…. The strange person turned out to be Judah – Judah, the gangly boy who was Ola’s friend when we were in high school. We talked about life and our mutual friends, and then he shifted the conversation;

    “Hey, Esther, see ehn…there’s this friend of mine that saw your picture on Facebook, and he wants to talk to you. ”

    “Hmm…this one he wants to talk to me. Is he cute? Shey you know I hate ugly guys? Oya put him on.” I replied, eager to speak with the new guy.

    I typed it here, but you get what I mean. Infuse life, and try out different things. A series is not what this needs.

    Well done, yinkus. $ß.

  8. #sighs. Yet another series has begun. Sadly, on a wrong footing.

    Is this prose or drama?

    Every story consists of a plot, theme and sub themes, characters and the setting. From these episode, I cnt see any of those.

    I’m curious to see how this story would evolve into a series. Like @sibbylwhyte suggested, a single story might just be okay

    @mimiadebayo and @daireenonline seem to be merging into a single persona. ‘that said, well done’
    Mr Randy nd munirat…lol

  9. @yinkus, welldone for this.
    However, you need to work harder.
    The good thing is, you have a good imagination. The story comes to you, right? But,you need to learn your craft, through writing and reading. You can get better. Read (other writers), write and then edit your work until you can’t do it anymore.
    Please keep working on developing your craft. Welldone Yinka.
    I will look out for the rest of this.

  10. not good. tighten the story. but i know you good.

  11. The story left me scratching my head.

    I don’t get it.

    I wasn’t even sure it was a story…

  12. taking this work back to the writing table, trust when you return, It will not remain the same again…sure you can do it, just take your time.

  13. @sibbylwhyte
    You really went into the kitchen, mixed the ingredients, prepared the right meal and served it free. Any more additions may ruin it. It’s left for Yinkus and some of us to dig into and learn.

  14. Patience, @yinkus! Through patience & practice, ”the stew or soup will taste better”. You will only get better.

  15. I know this is a series, @yinkus101, but what I read here didn’t really leave me wanting more. It was not bad, just not exceptional or memorable – like saying “One day, I woke up and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. The End.”

  16. Well, all the above commenters have said it all. This ‘work’, I chose to call it ‘work’ for it’s lack of classification. I mean under what genre of literature does it fall?
    That said, to help you improve your art, because you said earlier that you wrote as it comes to your mind, I’ll recommend, you read your works over and over again, and to detect typos and help in your punctuation, read aloud to yourself, that’s when you don’t have anyone to proofread for you.
    However, you did a good job, because as @hymar said earlier, ‘to write no easy’.
    You can look for Wole Soyinka’s “Telephone Conversation” and learn one or two things. ♧:)ƭћǟπƙ-U:)♧

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