The Gift of Crabs

Red-and-White-Wrapped-Gift

Jimi twirled the pen in his hand, gazing intently at the woman in front of him.

“Sade, how long have we known each other?” he asked suddenly.

“One year,” she answered hesitantly.

“And how long have we been dating?”

“Six months,” she replied a bit faster this time.

Why was he asking all these questions on a Tuesday afternoon? As if he was reading her mind, he said:

“You know these questions have a purpose.  In the six months I have dated you, the question of compatibility has never come up.  We have both carried on under the assumption that we were suited for each other.”

He paused.

Sade began to shift uncomfortably in her chair.  Jimi ignored her body language and continued.

“You know most men don’t date women for their intellect.  What initially attracts a woman to a man is her body.  Specifically, her ‘attack,’ ” he said, patting his chest, “and her ‘defense’ are relevant features.  A pretty face is just jara.  There are certain men who want their women to come fully loaded with a formidable attack, the kind that does not require the additional services of a padded bra,” he said, using his hands to form the shape of a full, well-rounded set of mammary glands.  From his antics, Sade surmised that he was trying to describe a set of double-D cups.  He wasn’t done though.

” … And there are others who prefer that their women have a heavy and capable ‘defense,’ the kind that can comfortably support a glass of water, and if necessary, a complete 3-seater sofa.”

By now, he had gotten up from his chair and had migrated to a spot beside her, using his hands to form the shape of a firmer, fuller butt.  Sade uncrossed her legs and leaned forward slightly.

“So, which class of men do you belong to?” she asked coolly.

“You’re an intelligent girl.  I’m sure you know the answer to that question.  I am a member of both classes.  Now, I have convinced myself for …. how long have we been dating again …?”

“Six months.”

“Exactly.  For six months, I have convinced myself that your intellect was enough to make up for your obvious deficits, but I am tired of preaching to myself.  Anyone with eyes can see that you are both flat-chested and have absolutely no defense.  In fact, my brothers are more endowed in the defense department than you.  I think I can safely tell you that I’m moving on.  It’s over.”

Sade said nothing.  The crooked smile she had on her face the entire time Jimi was decorating her with insults, was still there.  His speech had not wiped off that smile.  It was now his turn to feel uncomfortable.

“Oya say something now … “

“Why? I rather enjoyed your speech.  You must have rehearsed it a couple of times, and I am certain that you’re not done.  You still haven’t told me who you’re leaving me for.”

Jimi was shocked.  This girl was not floored by his break-up speech, and was even demanding to know who his new girlfriend was.  He began to worry.

“What?! You’re not entitled to know that.  It’s none of your–“

“Oh, but I already know.  I just wanted you to say it with your mouth.  Since you’re not going to be a gentleman and finish what you started, I’ll do it for you.  It’s my kid sister, Bose, isn’t it?”

Jimi did not say a word.  He was dumfounded and began to ask himself how she knew.  He had covered his tracks very well and taken extra precautions, but–

“Don’t trouble yourself, ehn.  You’ll be happy to learn that she has Herpes.  In a few days, when you start itching and scratching your–” and at this juncture, she briefly glanced at the area below his waist, and then back at his face, “–you’ll know what your second early birthday present is. Two special gifts, just for you.”

Picking up her purse and leaving an astonished Jimi behind, she turned around and added: “I hope the crabs eat you for lunch, Mr. Attack and Defense.  Happy Birthday o!”

———————————

Picture via Pinterest



50 thoughts on “The Gift of Crabs” by Sharon Salu (@SharonWrites)

  1. I enjoyed this hilarious one, minus the lectures, minus thee opening two adverbs, ‘suddenly’ and ‘hesitantly’ coming back-to-back kinds of sounds out of place, if you will pardon my saying.

    Well done.

    1. @Hymar : Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the corrections too. Noted!

  2. This is good….enjoyed reading….hilarious..I like Jimi ..though he had his skull filled with preposterous tots and motives.. …my total opposite sha…

    1. @Omoniyi : If you say so … Lol! Glad you enjoyed it. Jimi wants to enjoy his life na …

  3. Hilarious….absolutely love this!

    1. @Topazo : Gee … Thanks! Glad to hear it.

  4. Wow! This write-up is just a GBAM! I love the way the paragraphs are arranged! …buh, why “JIMI”? My namesake! Gosh! Gotta learn frm him after all! Funny writeup…love the plots, the theme, the characters….tugbaski @SharonWrites
    Pen Up!

    1. @Kleavajimcy : Thanks for all your kind words. I’m surprised you liked the paragraph arrangement. It just tumbled out that way.

      As for your namesake, ahhhh … pele! Don’t worry. You won’t need to change your name, ehn.

  5. Hahaha…this is really hilarious. Nice write-up. Thumbs up

    1. @Wendy : Thanks a lot. Glad you enjoyed it o!

  6. Okay! this is good, not as hilarious and I love the message too.

    weldone.

    1. @basittjamiu : I’m glad you appreciate the message. Thank you!

  7. Silly stupid man…hope your willie gets blisters and they are unhealable!
    Well done, Sharon. $ß.

    1. @sibbylwhyte : Choi! You took the story like several steps forward with blisters, etc. Let’s just say Jimi will have his hands full for a while … Thanks!

  8. I just love the lady. Her approach to the matter is WOW

    1. @aadetoyin : Well, thank God for her calmness. Some others would have poured acid on Jimi.

  9. Cute payback story.

    I like the way she ended up getting the last laugh and the guy his ‘birthday present’.

    Nice work @SharonWrites

    1. @AfroNuts : Thanks a lot. Jimi had it coming now. Her younger sister? Haba!

  10. Mr attack and defense has been attacked and sadly, he has no defense… Very lovely!

    1. @inkheart : Lol @ your play on words. There’s no excuse for this kind of behavior. Thanks!

  11. very funny piece.

    1. @damilareoso : Glad you found it so. Thanks!

  12. Very nice work. Totally enjoyed it. The only thing is I’ve read it twice now and still can’t figure out what his FIRST early present is! Oh, wait, is it a brand new girlfriend with both ‘attack’ and ‘defence’?

    1. @obinwanne : I am glad you asked because I had some trouble with that section. The first gift is the Herpes. The second is the Crabs, evidenced by the scratching of his … you-know-what

      New girlfriend ke? In his dreams! Mschew!

      Thanks.

  13. Totally engaging. love it

    1. @osakwe : I’m glad you found it engaging. Thank you!

  14. Hahaha, jst wndring if my attack n defense wil fal in2 dt category he was tryn 2 describe, i hope so o lol

    1. @Koollove : *laughing hard* You ehn … I might need to see a picture to decide. Truthfully though, Jimi’s opinion is the last one you need on this matter … Lol!

      Thanks!

  15. Jo (@josephoguche)

    The whole ideas of “attack” and “defense” are getting obsolete now. ladies must look out to invest more in their integrity and sense of responsibility ..

    1. @josephoguche : I appreciate your progressive thinking. But, as long as men have eyes and women are well-endowed, the number of Jimis in this world will continue to grow.

      1. Jo (@josephoguche)

        Sounds like it :) @SharonWrites … but that logic will mess up big time when the guy is ready for the real wife thing …

        1. @josephoguche : That is true sha. Good luck to the wife. She has her work cut out for her.

          1. Jo (@josephoguche)

            Right … :)

  16. @sharonwrites, this was well written and straightforward. But I would have thought that if Sade already knew what was coming, she should not have been so hesitant and uncomfortable, as indicated in the early part of the story. Rather, knowing that Jimi was sleeping around, she should have been angry from the get go.

    1. @TolaO : Thank you for your critique. I have no explanation for her uneasiness, except maybe she expected him to bring up something “she” was hiding from him. As I did not include that here, it could have been omitted.

      But, she was angry from the get go. She just kept it well-hidden.

  17. I enjoyed this. good for Mr attack and defence. Defend that! Thanks Sharon.

    1. @nicolebassey : Glad to hear it, Sunshine. I doubt that Jimi has learnt his lesson, but this will clip his wings for a bit. :-)

  18. Lol…shits happen, Ɣφυ know?
    Nice write, though I find it a little irresponsible that Sade could wash her sister’s dirty linen outside, and in such a manner too.
    It seems like she’s happy that her younger sister has Herpes than she is angry at finding out about their backyard affair.

    All †ђξ same, well done.

    1. @Chime221 : I don’t think Sade really cared about her sister’s reputation at that point. I mean … her boyfriend was messing around with her younger sister. That’s enough to raise anybody’s blood pressure. You know the saying: If you lie with dogs, you’ll get fleas. That’s what happened here.

      Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks!

      1. I did enjoy it really.
        Well done.

  19. Hehehe, I bet he didn’t see that coming. He was only looking out for the ‘attack’ and ‘defense’ he totally forgot about the destructive weapon. he must have been feeling good about himself b4 Sade dropped the killer bomb, Good for him. I must say I really found this piece really engrossing, funny and moralistic; be contented with what you have,there’s always a price for ‘isekuse’. Well written, well done!

    1. @Bibbie : I like your summary at the end, i.e. “there’s always a price for isekuse.” I wish more people would keep that in mind before doing the isekuse.

      Thanks for commenting. :D

  20. @sharonwrites, Was catching up on NS stories when I saw this. So well done, the serves-you-write effect was exact and that juvenile speech style of Jimi, perfectly suited his smarmy character. Good job on the story.

    1. @ayomitans : Well, I’m glad my story was on your ‘catching up’ list. :-) Lol @ juvenile speech. That would hurt Jimi’s pride even more than being caught at his own game. Thanks for reading.

  21. chai! lol good for him! let us see how he will defend himself from the attack of the crabs lol!

    1. @Ivie9ja : Lol! Abi o. Good for him! Jimi will never ever forget Sade.

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