I Am Talented (I)

I woke that morning feeling like a child who had just received a measure of honey on his palm and the honey was already dripping down his fingers. I have a wonderful voice; I do not need anyone to assure me. My friends never tire of letting me know, though. But what I’m truly concerned about is the seven-point-five-million-naira prize. They can keep the record deal or I sell it to them at a price.

I quickly readied and jumped into busses on my way to Ikeja, the venue of the audition for the Nigerian Idol. Even though I got to the venue and registered as early as 7.15 a.m., my tag bore the number, “4685.” The sun appeared from behind the clouds too early and danced rapturously like a bride who had waited thirty nine long years to arrest a groom. Sweat poured down our heads and soaked our tight-fitting designer clothes. And as if in a competition, rain came later in the day and sent cold, like witchcraft, after us. The cold embraced us tightly without our consents.

I was slightly shivering when I walked into the audition-hall at about 5.20 p.m. The devil is a liar! The air conditioner hissed continuously and breathed cold on one side of the hall. I introduced myself and robbed my palms together. Then I sang R. Kelly’s “I believe I can fly.” I heard my good voice ring in my head and felt very proud. I shut my eyes, threw my head back and piped on like a bird. I lifted my hands and stabbed the air like one conducting an orchestra.

The judges stopped me half way, but I did not stop. I did not hear them. When I finally stopped, two of them had their index fingers plugged deep into their ears. Yinka Davis said she’d be frank with me. She needn’t waste my time. She said she knew a mechanic who was looking for an apprentice; maybe that job would do me good. I was no good singer at all. Me? Ehen!

That’s her stupid opinion; what does she know after all? Mtcheew! All I know is that I am talented and there’s no stopping me.

Come to think of it, what is it Mikel Obi even does on the field that I can’t do? How come he’s richer than my father, grandfather, great grandfather, and great great grandfather all put together? With this thought, I grabbed one of my younger brothers’ spare football-boots and raced to the field close to our house where Power Shooters FC train. I enrolled and trained really hard; I almost ran my heart out. Despite all my hard work, I never got to play any match. I just sat on the bench and watched my team take defeat after defeat. The silly thing was that, whether you played or not, you equally bore the blame for the loss.

My time came one day when my team played a visiting team. The local government chairman had thrown his weight behind Power Shooters. One of the boys that played my position had twisted his right ankle in training. The other one played like a fighter up to the seventy third minute then he came down with acute muscle pull. My coach called me in. I sprang like a tiger and laced my boots. I waved at the spectators as I trotted in to fill the position. No one waved back; they looked on, stone-faced like carved things. Some of them had placed bets on the possible outcome of the match. None of the sides was yet to draw first blood. The match went on from the seventy third minute to the eighty eight minute and the ball did not come my way or I did not get in the way of the ball. I just ran around in my shiny boots.

Then the very moment came, I had run around so much my head was beginning to spin. It was the eighty ninth minute. The opposing team got a corner kick. I was standing with my back to our goal post when our captain ran to me and jabbed me bizarrely with sweaty smelly hands and told me to face the corner from which the ball would come. I immediately adjusted and readied; next, the ball came flying from the right flank into our eighteen yard box. I just danced around. What else was I to do? All of a sudden, the ball bounced before me, all eyes riveted on me. I quickly calculated and sent it to the far left side of the post. Silence! Goal! The sound reverberated from one corner of the field to another. I had scored. Wonderful! I had scored a goal … but against my own team. I saw a pack of boys running towards me. A sachet of pure water exploded on my head and a cudgel followed. My brother, I took to my heels o, but they pounced on me and brought me down. I am alive today by the grace of the Almighty.

Chei! Those boys nearly finished me. I, the talented one – any way, there’s no stopping me…

(2nd episode on its way, watch out!)



40 thoughts on “I Am Talented (I)” by Psalmy (@psalmy)

  1. Daireen (@daireenonline)

    Well done. You rushed some parts though, still, well done.

  2. Hilarious indeed. Well done

    1. @newreign
      Yeah, thanx. Expect I Am Talented II

  3. I feel you! You are talented joor! *chuckling like mad*

  4. Lol. It’s the humour, irony and word usage in some parts that got to me.
    It needs editing, to make it shine.
    Well done, psalmy. $ß.

    1. Noted and appreciated.
      Thanks for stopping. Expect I Am Talented II
      @sybbilwhyte

      1. @sibbylwhyte
        This your name sef. You be expatriate?

  5. Giggling. A talented singer with the voice of THOR and a good footie who topped the scorers chart for two consecutive seasons, with half his goals against his own hapless side. Haha

    1. @Hymar
      You can imagine. I bet the thinkable is to produce results; it doesn’t matter which team’s goal-net receives the quake.
      Thanks for taking a read. Respect!

  6. Heheheh @psalmy lwkm oooo…I cnt stop laughing! This is indeed a funny one! Aha:aahh! Player/ singer of life!
    Nice write up jhoorh! Let d editing come some oda time… I re-read!

    *still laughing!

    1. @Hymar
      You can imagine. I bet the thinkable is to produce results; it doesn’t matter which team’s goal-net receives the quake.
      Thanks for taking a read. Respect!

      1. @Kleavajimcy
        ha ha. I can’t stop laughing too. It’s good to know this piece is provoking such excitement. Thanks for reading and re-reading. Expect II

    2. Lol…. We await thee!

  7. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I can’t stop my sides from quaking with joyous spasms…

    1. @aeon
      Hmmm! Try stop them o, abeg. Look out for II. Thanks for stopping.

  8. Jo (@josephoguche)

    Now, who says you are not talented? :) nice

    1. @josephoguche
      Help me ask them. Talent dey ooze from my body. Expect the second; thanks for reading.

      1. Jo (@josephoguche)

        Welcome .. :)

  9. Talented indeed!Lol, next pls.

    1. @Miskay
      Alright, on its way. Thanks for stopping by.

  10. Beautiful piece…indeed you are not only talented but also a bag of talent…and please check out some typos….

    1. @simplisilv
      Tell them … I shall. Thanks for reading. Expect the second.

  11. I giggled! Hilarious..nice work, waiting for the part 2

    1. @wendy
      On its way. Thanks 4 stopping!

  12. Ha ha! I’m glad you like it. I’m talented jare! Thanks for stopping and do expect II
    @ibagere

  13. Noted and appreciated.
    Thanks for stopping. Expect I Am Talented II
    @sybbilwhyte

  14. Hahahahaha….!

    Kai, I enjoyed this o. Two interesting stories rolled up in one.

    Nice one, man. Keep improving your art.

    1. @chemokopi
      The chairman himself. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I certainly will improve; maybe oneday, I’ll break a rib. Look out for the second. Comment will be appreciated!

  15. @psalmy, I can’t stop laughing. You are talented, no doubt about that.
    I like your writing style. Keep going strong. Welldone.

  16. a good own goal can spoil even the bravest most talented football mood around lol

  17. No mind dem. You are talented jare

  18. Rotflica… Superbly funny… You’re not talented…. You’re a talent…

  19. You are talented no doubt,I really enjoyed reading.

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