The Ficterview of Chantel Cums.

BEFORE YOU READ: Alright, this one is crazy. Have you heard of the word ficterview? Well, maybe we made that up (Webster has no idea and Google has never seen that word!) So this is what happens: The interviewee is a fictional character played by a Bukuvillaian and interviewed by yet another Bukuvillaian. In this ficterview, we take you into the mind and life of a sex worker. Enjoy.


Queen Inn ficterviews licensed sex-operator – Chantel Cums

Q: Hello, there! You’ve probably wondered what a prostitute’s life is like. Today, you’re going to have to cross that out from your wonder-list, as we share this ficterview with a prostitute. Enjoy!

Can you introduce yourself, please?

CC: I go by the name Chantel Cums for business.

Q: Figures. Is it in any way, a sobriquet for your real name?

CC: And so you don’t get your viewers cum-fused, I am an escort these days. The label of prostitute is one I have long outgrown…
Definitely not. In this job one needs a name that would stick in a customer’s head. What better name to pick than Chantel Cums? Everyone comes to Cums.

Q: Okay, so you prefer to be called an escort. Or is the term “sex worker” appropriate?

CC: Okay, I need to break it down for you. You see, an escort is in a class far above every prostitute you see on the road. Escorts are the handbags that rich men such as politicians take to occasions when their wives are not coming along. The pay is one that would make you come in your pants, since we don’t want that, I’ll keep it to myself. And we have an agency that takes care of the placements, complete with legal aid and such. They were the ones who arranged this interview. See? Escorting is in a class of its own.

Q: I see. How long have you been in the sex industry?

CC: Well, I just celebrated my tenth year anniversary in the industry on Friday the 13th, last week.

Q: Ten? You look to be in your twenties. How old were you when you started?

CC: I take that as a compliment on my looks. They don’t come easy you know? There’s that thing about ladies and age, so, no can do for this aging question, lady.
Well, judging by the recent brouhaha about ‘child not bride’ issue, I was underage when I started.

Q: (Smiles) I should know that. Tell me, what’s the craziest thing you’ve done since you started working in the sex industry?

CC: Shuo! If I tell you all the craze things wey ah don do for this bizness, na chain una go use and na for psychia na im una go gimme seat. (laughs). But I’ll just give one mild one. It happened while I was still working the streets.
There was this customer that always demanded for blowjobs and those pay less. Guess he did not want to really cheat on the missus or she was one of those who couldn’t blow or he was plain stingy. Well, he came and I had just eaten the most peppery sauce ever. I pretended to have brushed my teeth, blew him and he turned beet-red down there – he was a fair man. Suffice it to say he didn’t come again.

Q: Hehe…that was one hot experience, wasn’t it?

CC: It was. For him. I have also had to dress up like a man so I could escort a woman to an event. No, we didn’t have sex.

Q: So, I know you must get a lot of strange requests. What are some of the strangest you’ve had in your ten years of work?

CC: One sticks out because I made a lot of money from it and never got served. The man always wanted me to stick objects up his ass – bottles, dildos, cucumbers, name it. And he always came. Guess he was a closet gay and didn’t know that was what his fetish meant.

Q: Oh well, maybe you should have told him? But then you’d have lost out on a big customer. Say, have you ever been molested while working?

CC: One time a guy paid for himself, and then his friend forced himself on me. They were already high, didn’t want them hurting me more than their cocaine-stiffened dicks had already done. But after that incident, I started going with a knife, twelve-inch nails and pepper spray. Learnt some defence tactics too.

Q: Sounds like a dangerous job. Do you love it?

CC: Of course I do. Wouldn’t be ten years old if I didn’t. Would have walked away from it a long time ago, considering the money I have made. It’s not about the sex, really. It’s about knowing people in their most unguarded moments…it’s almost spiritual for me these days.

Q: Really? That’s a fresh perspective to it. When did you realize that you wanted to be a prostitute?

CC: When I realized that I was a nymphomaniac. Anyway, I got tired of the dicks, and came across a really good doctor who happened to be my client at one point…he helped me with this ‘problem’. I get the itch once in a while though.

Q: That’s rather interesting. How did he help you?

CC: He referred me to a centre in the US.

Q: I’m curious to know how they helped you. I hear nymphomania isn’t curable.

CC: Would have said they fucked my brains off, but it was more of miracle meets medicine thing. Like I said, I still get the itch once in a while, but I have a client to soothe the itch.

Q: Miss, Chantel, Many sex workers are addicted to hard drugs. Are you? Or do you take them at all?

CC: Oh my! Why do I need those? Being a nymphomaniac was addictive enough. Since I don’t really have sex indiscriminately anymore, I indulge in cooking with weed once every month.

Q: Okay, have you ever had to take part in a threesome? As some men like to do with escorts?

CC: Yes, I have. Some suck, some rock. One is quite memorable. They were identical twins and they wanted to have sex with the same girl. Those guys knew how to treat a lady and make her cum nicely. Oh, yes they did!

Q: How about threesomes with another lady? Ever had one of those?

CC: Yes. Variety is the spice of life. I can’t keep hitting bone always! I am a very adventerous person, so I experiment especially if it brings in good money. I draw a thick unwavering line at some things though.

Q: Speaking about drawing lines, what would make you say no to a potential client?

CC: Someone my intuition kicks against, and dirtiness.

Q: Oh. Seems you make good money then. To be so choosy. How much do you make?

CC: (laughs) shey you want make kidnappers come kidnap my toto?

Q: (Smiles) not at all. I’m sure your highbrow clients won’t let you stay kidnapped though. Tell me about plastic surgery. Do you think one would enhance your profession?

CC: Although it would, who doesn’t want to keep looking young? I have a morbid fear of plastic surgery. I have seen lots of plastic surgeries that went south. So, no, I won’t go under the knife.

Q: Ok. Have you ever had run-ins with the police?

CC: No. The one who tried it, got suspended. I was servicing his Oga at the Top at the time.

Q: Okay. About the escort services, have you ever fallen in love with a client?

CC: I have, and I am married to him. Shocked you didn’t I?
I’m afraid my time is up here. A special client is calling.
But one more question wouldn’t hurt.

Q: It’s alright then. Maybe next time, I would ask more questions. I feel we just scraped the icing. My last question now would be this: what do your family and friends think about your job, that’s if they know about it?

CC: Well, they do. They found out about my condition – nymphomania in time, so I guess they got used to the fact that I have sex ’24/7′ (laughs).
Someone showed me love despite the path I treaded – taught me that I could be given something more than sex. Taught me there was more to living than sex too, and I owe everything to him. I sought treatment because of my husband, Angelo. He is the best man in the universe, and loves me as I am – Flaws and all.

Q: Wow. You live quite an interesting life, Miss Cums.
It’s been really interesting to learn about your life.
So, there’s to all of you that have been wondering. Miss Chantel Cums tells us what it’s actually like. Looking to join? Here’s one sex worker’s story.

Buku TV.

Bubbllinna (Chantel Cums)
QueenNobo (Queen Inn)

AFTER YOU’VE READ: The above ficterview was brought to you from Bukuvilla press.
Bukuvilla is a blog that is intent on experimenting with literature, while bringing fun into the writerly equation. For a trip to the bukuvilliaians villa, Follow the link and tour: Your feedback (criticisms and bashings) on articles would be appreciated. It will be fun at the villa, you’ll see.
Cheers! $ß.

62 thoughts on “CHANTEL Cums.” by Bubbllinna (@sibbylwhyte)

  1. You are one badt ass chick, crazy, funny and kinda wacky to boot. My type. Laughing.

    1. @hymar. So your girlfriend is crazy funny and kinda wacky to boot? Hmmm. Hold her wella.
      Thanks for dropping by. Appreciate. $ß.

  2. Ohhhh…why would this ficterview finish now….was already engulfed in it….

    1. @omoniyi. Oh dear! Our thumbs were hurting from the typing we had to do to get this ficterview done.
      But no worries, there is a fresh one on the blog. You should follow the link and drown in the ficterviews there. Lol.
      Thanks Niyi for reading. $ß.

  3. This was fun to read. Finally ma’am!!
    Was caught by surprise at the married twist. But I guess that’s what you were hoping to do.
    Well done Sibbyl.

    1. @mimiadebayo, had to post, so someone like you would head to that blog and bless the posts with your thoughts. No PSSS for that one o.
      That was what I aimed for, glad you were caught. Lol.
      Thanks for reading, now lemme see you on the other side. Cheers! $ß.

  4. Hah! After all that badness…she strolled off into the sunset to live happily ever after… Why can’t she just die of a ‘conglomerate’ of HIV/hepatitis/tuberculosis?

    1. @ibagere. I see you do not think she was worth having a good husband. God has a plan. Lol.
      Thanks for reading dear. $ß.

  5. Lol,@ibagere, you wixked Ooooh

    1. Lol. @hymar. She is just being human. There are lots of times when we wonder how some people end up with angelos after their sinnery.

  6. Interesting! This was a really good read, thanks! Off to check out the site…

    1. Love you @chymdinma, totally unlesbo sha. Love you for being the only one who says she is gon’ check out the site ASAP. I hope to see your thoughts there. Thanks! $ß.

  7. hassana shuaibu (@unuba)

    this is really interesting.very funny and nice. love it. was it only me that thought there was more to her saying her husband’s name was angelo or maybe i’m just seeing something else. lol

    1. @unuba..haha…I think she’s gay…lol

    2. Aww. Thanks @unuba. Glad you enjoyed it. The something is, Angelo means Angel; her husband is an Angel in disguise.
      Thanks for reading and enjoying. Head to the site, will ya?

  8. Well done. I didn’t want the story to finish

    1. @faithomo. It ends for another to begin. My sweet and intelligent interviewer has her own ficterview. She was a lesbian! You should read it. I am glad you enjoyed this. $ß.

  9. my thinking exactly @unuba she must be lotians.
    Thanks @sibbylwhyte it was fun reading this.

    1. @basittjamiu.. Lotians? That must be a new word like ‘grabbility’. Lol.
      She is no lesbian, she’s got a husband, with a real P.
      You are an old face at the blog, stay with the villiaians and keep having writerly fun. Thanks, glad you enjoyed this. $ß

  10. This is just so different and interesting. I enjoyed it, welldone.
    The husband must be a sucker for punishment. Let us hope they don’t bring children into the mix.

    1. @olajumoke. Why do you think he is being punished? She loves him to bits and is well versed in all things sexual, what more could a man ask for? *winks*
      Bukuvilla is different; with a group of writers and different styles, it should be. Check the new blog out, and drop your thoughts with us. Thanks for reading and liking. $ß.

    1. @kaycee. If this grosses you out, surely amidst ficterviews with a lesbian, serial killer and thief must be one fit for your mental palate. Thanks for dropping by. $ß.

  11. Lolzz @ ”ewwww” :D :D

  12. Daireen (@daireenonline)

    Er… it’s okay. No comment.

    1. @daireenonline. Thanks for reading, and the non-comment. $ß.

  13. leroyA (@LEROY)

    Crikey!!! Stuff that knocks you between the eyes here.
    Well done.

    1. @leroy. Hope you didn’t get hurt by the knock? Hehe.
      Thanks for reading and liking. Do check out the othe ficterviews on the blog. $ß.

  14. Hehehe, CHANTEL Cums makes it to NS. And this her surname eh! What many men would do to have such a woman who is knowledgeable in all things…eh…*clear throat*.

    Very nice read. Fun, interesting, unusual and creative. Well done.

    1. And…uhm…*can you give me Chantel Cums address?*

      1. @chemokopi.
        She made it here but is pissed that her people didn’t bother to check up on her.
        Yea, what man wouldn’t kill? Although there are few who wouldnt be bothered by Cums.
        She is married Chemo, but her office is at http://www.bukuvilla….that‘s all.
        Thanks for dropping by… $ß.

        1. I am checking out Miss Cums now @sibbylwhyte. Curiosity has gotten the better of me. Bukuvilla sounds like a lot of fun anyway.

  15. Well done SB. Congrats on your new blog– Bukuvilla.

    1. @nicolebassey. Thanks for dropping by. It’s not just my blog – it’s owned by a group of writers some of whom you know and will see when you come visiting. Cheers! $ß.

  16. Innovative… Wonderful… Superb……. Love this

    1. @kodeya. Oh thank you for the adjectives, glad you like it. Seeing as you like murder mysteries, the ficterview of a serial killer on the blog would interest you more. Lol. Wanna see you there o. Cheers!

      1. @sibbylwhyte

        Good you know what I like

  17. This is crouch-grabbing. And relief-demanding too. I want sum

  18. @sagepoet. Lol!! You, Mister would have to meet chantel for some, that’s if she can fit you in.
    Find her at the link in the story.
    Thanks for dropping by, Chris. $ß.

  19. Lol. It was fun doing this…and it’s so satisfying to see that lots of people appreciate it too. Interesting to read all the comments here…well done, Sib.

  20. Thanks @Queennobo. It was more fun doing it with you. I’m glad people appreciated it. Next time awaits. $ß.

  21. Captivating (Plus everything else already said, and probably what I won’t say) is what I would say. Another one too you as always.

    1. Aww. Thanks @elovepoetry. Captivating is what you would say, you are a consistent one-liner commenter. Lol.
      Thanks for appreciating. Do come around to the blog soon, I’d really like to have you there. $ß.

      1. @sibbylwhyte…. I checked it last night (as per East African time) and though it was but a glance I vowed to go back. I will spent more time there.

        1. @elovepoetry. Oh, mehn. is so glad to have you checking it out E, follow it like boys do girls o. Hehehe. Thanks dear.

          1. @sibbylwhyte, am gonna do that, follow it like girls follow older men these days. Oops! Or like an escort follows the politician.

            1. *Laughs out really loud*

              1. Vincent de Paul (@vincentdepaul)

                LOL, IMHO, this is getting really interesting @elovepoetry and @sibbylwhyte.

  22. Vincent de Paul (@vincentdepaul)

    This is wonderful stuff, so daring (sounds like a tell all story). Keep it up, Bubbllinna

    1. @vincentdepaul.
      Thanks dear. It’s telling just that it’s all fiction. Hope you come to bukuvilla.

      1. Vincent de Paul (@vincentdepaul)

        @sibbylwhyte, I visited the blog, I loved it… but I am a blogger guy, I couldn’t follow it. Maybe I add it on my blog list on blogger.

        1. Alright @vincentdepaul. Thanks, will follow the trail of your comment to your blog.

  23. Checking in….

    1. Thanks @shadiat, for checking in.

  24. Uyiosa (@wordsfromuyi)

    @sibbylwhyte, Like I always tell this girl who is a pole dancer “A job is a job, my dear.” Mrs. Cumsingthon loves her job, and that’s to me the best part of this piece.
    Usual and daring, but not daring enough. I dare you to write something more daring and spicy, if you do, I will counter-post your daring post. The challenge will be called “NSFW.” (Just being a joking star here, but if you’re interested, we can make it happen)
    All in all SB (My keyboard no get that kind italicized (b) way u dey use comment for my posts) , I enjoyed this ficterview, though not enough heat to raise the wood on me (See me dey yarn, like that was ever your intention for this piece) lol. Cheers!!

  25. Crazy, crazy Uyi. I think I’d like to take you up on that offer, but NS will get blown up. How about you put up the spicy ish, then I counterpost? Twill be fun, I think.
    Haha…I’ll tell Chantel she didn’t get your woody to pay attention afterall.
    There’s another risqué ficterview on the blog. Thanks for dropping by @wordsfromuyi. $ß.

  26. @@sibbylwhyte, this ficterview is just the sort of “fictional interview” I wish were real sometimes. In fact, it is so surreal it is real. It takes all sorts to make a world, and more often than not, we don’t see the “all sorts” for ourselves. I love this sort of experimentation.

  27. Thanks @sanjules. It does take all sorts to make the world. We can only pretend, but they are there.
    Visit and read more ficterviews for yourself.
    Thanks for dropping by. Appreciate. $ß.

  28. @sibbylwhite; this is crazy, creative, witty and everything. Experiment well. You’re there.

  29. Lol @peverx….Thanks, I am glad that you like it.

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