Headaches and Admirers

“Dedicated to my cousin Yewande, for every time you made me laugh with your tales”

Sweat trickled down my face, the only things that kept the office ventilated were a small standing fan and small window. The fan sputtered every five minutes or so. Files were stacked against the four walls of the small office from top to bottom, making the stuffiness palpable. I fanned myself with a piece of folded A4 paper, as I worked on the stack of files on my table.

A client, who had no business being in my office walked in smiling. I say he had no business, because he did not come for any sane reason. I did not return the smile.

“Lepa ti ko ni imi,” he said.

The heat was smothering and I was on my last nerve, and there he was calling me some senseless nickname. I paid him no mind.

“Ahn ahn na,” he said “can’t you hear me, am I not the only one that calls you by that name?”

I frowned; perhaps that would make him go away. It did the opposite. He pulled the chair opposite me and sat down.

“Shey you go give me your number na? So we can hook up sometime.”

He winked at me.

“No.”

“Okay, Okay, I get it. You don’t want to give a stranger your number abi? But I’m no stranger. Am I not the only one who calls you Lepa ti ko ni imi, so when you hear that name, you would know its me.”

I kneaded my temple muscles, I was in no mood for this nonsense. How in heavens name did giving me a nickname make us acquaintances.

As if on cue, by divine comedy, my boss shouted my name. I had never been so glad to hear her scream out my name in her high pitched voice, as I was at that moment. I stood up without saying a word and went to her office.
I ensured I stayed at her office for a long while, making unnecessary comments and bringing up unnecessary issues. After thirty minutes, my boss got tired of me.

“Shade, you can leave now”

I smiled, enough time.

“Thank you ma”; I replied giggling.

She just shook her head as I tool off.
I returned to my office and fortunately, he was gone.
About an hour later, another client walked in, one I had never seen around. He sported dark shades, an afro and a grey coloured suit.
He stopped on his way midway to my desk, removed his shades, smiled then resumed walking, with what he probably assumed was “swagger”.

“Baby, I like girls with this your physique”; he said using his hands to draw my physique in the air.

I sighed. Oh brother, here we go again. I wondered what kind of soap I used to have my bath that day, that caused all this attention.

“Good afternoon sir”

“Yes, yes”

“What may I do for you?”

“How about taking me to lunch?”

I was taken aback.

“Take you to lunch? Shouldn’t you be the one taking me?”

“Okay, we’ll go together, then I’ll pay for your meal, while you’ll pay for mine.”

I shook my head and laughed. This one was funny. I felt some of the tension ease off. One of my senior officers stuck his head through the door and I beckoned at him.

“Mr Bello, please come and tell this man that I am your third wife O.”

“Third wife? You’re my second wife”; he replied holding up two fingers.

We all burst out laughing. When Mr Bello left, the guy pulled his chair closer to my desk.

“Baby, I’m serious, I……”

He paused as his eyes fell on my desk, and grew larger. I wondered what was wrong and looked down at my desk to see what he was staring at. It was my phone, I had used one of the pictures taken during my engagement as my wallpaper, it was a picture of Deji and I sitting together in brown and cream coloured traditional attires.

“I’m really sorry”; he said raising his hands “I had no idea you were engaged.”

“Its fine”; I replied smiling. ” I really should stop forgeting to put on my ring.”

“Men, but that’s a real bubble buster.”

Just then, Boma, a colleague of mine walked into the office.

“Shade, how far na?” she asked. Then she looked at the man seated opposite me. “Ah Oga, how is that your daughter na?”

He went mute, then his face turned red and no, I am not exaggerating. He ignored Boma’s question and his eyes were everywhere but my face. I felt sorry for the guy, but it was all too funny.

Boma tapped the guy.

“Oga, how your daughter na?”
I winked at her, but she didn’t get my message. The man quietly stood up and walked out of the office.

“Shoo.”; Boma hissed.

“Him dey try to toast me ni O.”

We both laughed out.

I made a mental note at that moment to ask my mother if she changed my bathing soap.



29 thoughts on “Headaches and Admirers” by Olan (@Olan)

  1. Funny…..good narration.

  2. Bola (@basittjamiu)

    free flow.., and nice construction.
    Me like am.@olan

  3. Very nice one. Simple too. And funny.

    What kinda office is that?

    Toaster do make the world a better place, looooool.

    1. @jaywriter plus a lot of people on NS mention “simple” when critiquing my work. Is it a good or bad thing???

      1. It’s a good thing, looooool.

        I for like elaborate the explanation. Wanna read me rambling?

        1. @jaywriter oh please, do elaborate

  4. @zikora, @ibagere, @basittjamiu Thank you. @jaywriter, its government office. Lol. Comedy is the order of the day. True that, toasters do make the world interesting.

  5. @Olan.Hope you know I’ll read anything you write?#winks#
    I liked this piece. Kudos!

  6. na lux she use baff… lol
    nice one

  7. @Mimiadebayo thank you, its an honour to have you read em. Thank you. @topazo, no be lux na joy O. Lol. Thanks for reading

  8. @Olan…this is supremely interesting to read. It tickled me to no end…so fun…you do not want it to end. Fine writer you are…don’t let no one say odawise….i’ m tuned full time to your channel on here…so bring us more!!

  9. Nice well written story. Kudos!

  10. @olan

    loved the tiny way you injected our nigerian superstition (wondering about the kind of soap she used to bathe) without making a big deal out of it.

    Lovely story, it ellicited a couple of chuckles from me. Nice one.

  11. @ayomitans @igweaj @funpen thank you, your comments are so encouraging :D

  12. The joys of unwanted toasters, @olan. But at least, the guy was decent enough to back off once he realised the MC was unavailable. I’ve heard of men who don’t care one way or the other.

    1. @TolaO, he try small sha. I’ve even heard of some who get more gingered to toast an engaged lady. It feels like some sort of achievement to them. Thanks for reading.

  13. Nice story
    Good and ‘seemingly’ effortless narrative..
    Remarkable diction

    Really, your choice of words added color to this story

    Lovely work…I like it

  14. this is one hot-cake-girl o. now you get to know why bachelors spy on beautiful ladies’ hands, it’s for to check if she has any ring on it….
    @admin, how do locate the draft? I’ve been searching since with no success so far.

    1. @owseaman, ode yin ibon – the hunter shoots the gun…lols

  15. this is one hot-cake-girl o. now you get to know why bachelors spy on beautiful ladies’ hands, it’s for to check if they have any ring on ….
    @admin, how do locate the draft? I’ve been searching since with no success so far.

    1. @owseaman what draft are you referring to?

  16. Simply interesting and funny at that. You write good. Well done. $ß.

  17. Lol,couldn’t stop laughing

  18. lol….well done

  19. This is definitely Joy soap. Nice narrative.

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