Résumé of a Professional Mourner

Résumé of a Professional Mourner

CURRICULUM VITAE             

                                                                                                

PERSONAL DATA 

Name : Comfort Eze

Sex: Female

Date of Birth: 18th of May 1985 

Address:  No 8 Adeguwo Street, near Alagbado Cemetry, Lagos State. 

EmailMourning _Comfort@yahoo.com 

Phone Number: 08023223456

 

PERSONAL STATMENT

In line with my name, Comfort, I strive to bring comfort to any sad event, through my special mourning and crying skills. From my address above, it can be seen that I live close to a cemetery. My closeness to the cemetery has made me conversant with the world of the dead; so if you invite me for any event – especially funerals – I’ll feel very much at home. 

 

KEY SKILLS

  • Crying at will is second nature to me
  • I can cry softy without making a sound
  • I can wail loudly and roll on the floor without injuring myself
  • I can wail loudly and roll on the floor and also injure myself
  • I can faint at will (I won’t wake up even if cold or hot water is poured on me)
  • I can vomit at will
  • I can act as if I have lost my mind
  • I know pidgin, native and western mourning songs
  • I can memorize the names of all my clients relatives and mention them as I cry
  • I can cry on a dead body (this will mean an increase in the client’s fee)
  • I am not allergic to dust, so I can put ash and sand on my body while I mourn (as above, this will also attract an increase in the client’s fee)
  • I can also do tears of joy.

 

EDUCATION      

  School of Life — Life Experience has been my best teacher : 

  • Lost my first boyfriend after two weeks
  • Lost my first blackberry after a month
  • Lost my passport two days before I was to go to America for the first time.
  • My Best Friend duped me of N400,000 and I had to drop out of school
  • My Father has three wives, my mother is the last and his least favorite.
  • As if the above reason was not enough, last year, “my mother” told me I was actually adopted.
  • My first investment was buying Oceanic Bank shares; I did not know the bank was going bankrupt.

*All the above sad examples from my school of life, qualify me to be a sadist , hence a good mourner.

 

WORK EXPERIENCE

 St Judas Iscariot Medical Center (2009 – 2010)

 Position: Mortuary Attendant                 

  • Reason for Leaving: Left on completion of Primary Assignment for NYSC.

 

 One-Chance General Hospital (Sep 2010 – Nov 2010)

 Position: Mortuary Attendant 

  • Reason for Leaving : Left on Expiration of Contract

 

Unbelievable Miracles Medical Center (2010 – 2011)

   Position: Mortuary Attendant

  • Reason for Leaving :  Left after a “supposed dead body” rose up in my presence (wonders shall never cease).

 

* I have been a mourner for 14 funerals; I have done tears of joy for 3 weddings.

 

AWARDS AND RECOGNITIONS

  • I have gained serious “street cred” from this job o. 

 

 

HOBBIES.

   Favourite Movies 

  • Tears of the Sun
  • Tears of Love
  • The rich also cry
  • Titanic (Especially the sad part when Jack died at the end , chai ! )
  • Death at a Funeral.

 

    Favourite books 

  • The Book of Lamentations in the bible
  • Ecclesiastes 7:2
  • Weep not Child  by Ngũgĩ wa Thiong’o’s

   

CO-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES AND POSTS HELD 

Association of Female Mourners (Lagos Chapter)                                                                                                      Position :    Treasurer

  • In charge of collecting monthly contributions.

 

Emergency Development – Skills Acquisition (CDS) NYSC                                                                                      Position:  Treasurer

  • Collected contribution for funerals.

 

Kirikiri Prison – Female Inmates Association                                                                                                                 Position:  Treasurer

  • I was arrested for mishandling funds in my NYSC CDS and taken to prison, but honestly, I have changed. In prison, I was the Treasurer of the female inmates association.


REFERENCES 

As I said earlier on , I have “street cred” in this job ,  just go to my area and ask anybody about me – my area name is cry-cry Comfort.

 

 

 



64 thoughts on “Résumé of a Professional Mourner” by aghoghosam (@aghoghosam)

  1. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

    When my grandma agrees to die, I would call the number.

    Very creative.

    1. loooool !…Please call her o..she needs a job..thanks man :)

  2. Reading as I walk down wt a friend..she thinks I am going Mad..she should wait, I’ll read it for her…
    Mehn!! Aghoghosam, this is creative, to say it’s funny is probably an understatement…Well done jare…

    1. @sibbylwhyte , my friend , :) , Thanks a lot , I hope your friend loved it too

  3. Lmao, really enjoyed your creativity……………. Good work

    1. @teekellz , many, many THANKS :)

  4. Nice Concept…Would have to read again sha for a better review

    1. @teewah , Tiwa Savage , do quick tell me o….hehehe..thank you

  5. they said it all……

  6. Hahaha…I was laffin and tears were rolling down my eyes…my colleagues were staring strangely at me….what I see on NS ehn!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    1. @shaifamily – hope you’ve fully recovered from your laughter..hehehehe…thanks for your comment

      1. @aghoghosam I thot I had, why did u bring me back here?

        1. @shaifamily – loooool I will bring you back here many many many more times….LOL !

    1. @banky , Thank you Engr :)

  7. i love this, really

  8. Lol! You go fear person career. Lwkmd!

    1. @francis there are many callings in this life you know..lol !..Thanks

  9. Hilarious. Reminds me of a story about a professional ‘laugher’. This is funnier

    1. LOOOL !!….I’m happy this is funnier :D..Thank you

  10. Hehehe, this is so funny but well written.
    Nice creativity behind this write-up.

    1. Thank you very much @lalade

  11. This kind resume! complete, correct and absolutely CRAZY.
    Dear cry cry comfort, I suggest you go work for a coffin maker, you’ll definitely get enough customers.
    You too try, @aghoghosam

    1. @chimzorom — ahn , Comfort does not have strength to make coffin o…lol !..Thanks , you sef you too much..lol

  12. This is really creative,I just can”t stop laughing

    1. Thanks a lot o…please try and stop laughing o..hehehehe

  13. One word: HILARIOUS

    From start to finish, I was laughing like I had inhaled nitrous oxide.

    Three other words: DESERVES FORTY POINTS

    Thanks so much, @Aghoghosam!

    1. @TolaO – WOW !!!!!!!..FORTY POINTS !….All glory to God for it , and all thanks to Comfort for letting me use her CV…lol !

      Thanks a lot , I appreciate ! :D

  14. Kai. This is funny. The funniest thing I have read in a long while. Well done

    1. @inspire – Many, Many Thanks :)

  15. When people around me were looking funnily at me, I had to start reading aloud from the beginning and everybody could not help but laugh.

    Their comment:

    This is crazyily funny, tell the guy good work.

  16. @aghoghosam, KAI!!!!!!! Oga, you don cause serious wahala!! I was laughing so much, I couldn’t laugh again and I started shouting ‘Yee! Yee!’ and people were asking ‘Gboyega, hope nothing?’ LDTMB!!! LDKM!!!!

    Yee, yee, I think I’m going a little insane right now.. kai.. Oga, you are an entertainer for sure… Yeee, yee, my stomach..kai.. yee, yee…

    1. @guywriterer — I beg calm down o , no burst your belle o, or you’ll be needing Comfort soon…lol !..God forbid sha.

      Thanks man :)

  17. Street cred abi? Hehehe… Nice..Nice!

    1. Thank you :), Thank you :)

  18. LOLLY LOLLY-O LOLLY LOL!VERY ORIGINAL!WELL DONE.

  19. yeah LOOL! You’re quite the entertainer, I laughed all through this.

    1. @lelouch – loooool… I glad you agree with that , Thank you :)

  20. I think I will beg to differ with all the other comments already made. Bros, I felt you could have made such a lovely piece of this. You just made it is tooooo damn obvious what you were talking about.

    For these type of stories to work, in my opinion, either you get people guessing or you weave your story in such a way that your remarks are subtle and it is written in a way that it could very much pass for a real CV.

    BTW I love your style of writing; attempting to test unusual concepts (I kind of think I write that way too). Was smitten by “Puberty Complaint”. Please has anyone written Lucifer’s response? If no, expect from me this Monday.

    1. @seyi987yahoo , well a rule of thumb when writing a CV is that you should be direct, straight to the point , no unnecessary explanations or twists….I applied this rule to this piece , so like a normal CV, it had to be obvious and not subtle. :)

      Looool !!! – Puberty Complaint , I love it too , I wrote it from my heart, honestly :). I thought I had given @kaycee the contract to do a sequel , but I think he was too busy with his story – http://www.naijastories.com/2012/03/sex-with-my-father/ – hehehehehe. Since he is delaying, I give you the go ahead. :P

      Many Thanks for your comment bro

  21. made me laugh

    1. @chineloorji , so glad it made you laugh :)

  22. This is hilarious! Well done.

  23. Holy moses!!! There is nothing that isn’t a career in this world o. Na wa. This is very hilarious. Welldone dear.

    1. @gooseberry hey longtime ! :)..Thanks a lot you :)

  24. Liked the new concept…I am sorry I didn’t really see it as funny! Nice one

    1. @enoquin Emmmm ok, maybe you have a different style of humour….Thanks :)

  25. What a dark topic? You lightened it, no doubt and made it seem funny. Good one at your writing not the theme.

    1. @elly yeah bringing LIGHT to a DARK theme I guess…hehehe…I hope it was not too disturbing sha…Many thanks :)

  26. absolutely wicked!

  27. @eyekay – LOL ! Thanks

  28. sorry I didn’t like it; not impressed in any way. no hard feelings bro.

  29. Quite creative, I am forced to agree. But It would have been a lot better if it had been woven into a proper story. Sounds jerky and reads like stand-up comedy. Does it even qualify as a story? I wonder.

  30. LOL wow i cant stop laughing, i love whoever wrote this story

  31. mendel martha (@ihenyengladysusile)

    hahaha so funny maybe those who said dis ain’t funny have a heart made of stone anyways,dis piece made me remember when i was little, i loved crying,i even had a name ”cry cry”,not just for something but for anything nd my mum nd my elder sis would say no worry when u grow up u go help people dey cry for burials, jokingly, nd i would reply god forbid, thinking they were just pulling my legs,never knew they existed,well those are past things now,am now a big girl.

  32. @AghoghoSam, you’re even my name sake. This piece is absolutely hilarious. Well thought out. I’m at a burial as I post this and I’ve been laughing so much that people around are beginning to wonder. Keep up the good work, I love the form you used. The rarer the lovelier!

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