For The Love Of Blackberry

For The Love Of Blackberry

I saw him from afar.Eyes trained on me like a hawk, nostrils flaring like the ears of an elephant.I saw the uniform-custard shirt and burgundy trousers.His were faded, a far cry from what it may once have been.He strode confidently towards me, his eyes never leaving my face.

“I’ll call you back”, I murmured as I  let my blackberry  slide down unto the floor of the car.I left my left hand where it was; over my left ear and hastily rearranged the muscles of my face to assume a bored, disinterested look.

The man closed in.Madam Lawbreaker!, he called,slamming his hand on the bonnet of the car.”Pardon?”, I answered, cocking my head.

He then ordered me to park.
“Listen Oga, I am running late to pick my son from daycare”.”Would you kindly get out of my way?”.

By now two identically  dressed men had joined the him.One of  them was short and swarthy.His beret hung atop his head, bearing an uncanny resemblance to the National Theatre Building.If it was possible, it made him look even rounder.

The other was tall and thin.His uniform looked like it would still have been his size if he grew three dress sizes larger.His eyes were even more hawk-like.A look of pure hostility emanated from them.

“You cant answer your phone while driving and expect us to  leave you alone”, the tall thin one stated stone-faced.

Horns had begun blaring and the cars behind me were swerving to either side of me. “Madam park over there”, they barked,pointing to the sandy pavement on the right.

“Why should I park?”,I queried,loud alarm bells sounding off in my head.”My hand was over my ear because the noise from the traffic was too much”, I said with a shrill whine.

They smirked in response.

Although the regulator of the air -conditioner was set at high, beads of perspiration had gathered on my forehead,sweat had pooled in my armpits; drenching my white linen shirt.I slowly pulled over to the side of the road,wound down the window  but remained seated in the car.

“The fine  for answering your phone while driving is twenty thousand naira”, the tall one said,and in an almost whisper,he continued…but you can give us ten thousand,so you wont have to go to the office’.

Mind racing , I sat there wondering if I was going to have to part with the ten thousand naira I had tucked away in the pigeon hole of my car.I kept the money there so I wouldn’t be tempted to pinch it.

It had a definite purpose.

It was for my  blackberry internet subscription and  airtime allowance for the next month.I looked longingly at the pigeon hole and it looked back at me.Visions of pigeons in custard and burgundy flying away with the money flashed through my mind.

The first man started as if he was going to go round the car and get in through the passenger door.This time, the pigeons in my mind pecked at my nose with their beaks as if to say ,”This is how you are going to pay-through your nose!’.I dredged up  stories I had heard of people who had been accosted by these kind of men ,and as soon as they made the faux pas of letting them through  the passenger door,their lives never remained the same.Their pockets were almost certainly  less full after the encounter.

I made a resolution to be different.I was going to show these wolves that  a woman’s telephone funds mean a lot to her.It is almost as sacrosanct as her cosmetics fund.In that split second, I envisioned  my blackberry sobbing everyday of the next month,because it had been reduced to a shell,a caricature,a lower level device ,same as  many of the other phones of the world.Its glory taken away from it,as it’ll now only be good for incoming ;calls and texts.Outgoing calls werent even guaranteed as my recharge card allowance was also in jeopardy!

Because, of what use is a blackberry without internet service?,I reasoned.It’s like a Lincoln without the navigating system,a peacock without its wings.I risked a glance at my watch.It was getting late.I was keeping a restless child waiting.

The man was close to the door already and as he put his hand on the door handle, the cold hands of fear closed in on my throat.I could hardly breathe.I estimated the distance between me and the car in front.I remembered my high school physics.Had I attended the class?Oh yes I had!The drone of the aged,pockmarked  male teacher floated by.’Speed is distance divided by time’,he had droned.How many seconds will it take  to put a distance of at least a hundred metres between me and these hawks?How far gone and at what speed will I move  before they recover and come in hot pursuit of me?

The decision seemed life and death.

The distant sobs of my BB echoed.

As I pressed my foot on the acccelerator, my tires splayed a rain of sand on the lady groundnut seller on the side of the road.I silently uttered a plea for forgiveness.”Please ma,if I have to come back and buy all your groundnut,I will’.It looks to me to be no more than one thousand naira, that is …uhm… ;the entire assets of the business!

The door handle was slowly making a ninety degree clockwise rotation and with each unit of angle,my blood pressure rose in direct proportion.I scanned the oncoming traffic with the corner of my eye and with my hand clutching the steering wheel  so tightly ; my fingerprints are still there till this day,I accelerated sharply and almost sent the two men on my left out of their skins.

The tall thin man in a  remarkable display of presence of mind immediately shoved his more bulky colleaugue out of the way.

My 2003 Toyota Corolla sped away amidst shrieks and screams from bystanders and the smell of burning rubber.Darting  in and out of traffic like a worm fleeing  salt ,totally immune to the curses of my fellow road users,I heard the men yelling,’ “Hey, stop there,stop that woman!’.

Stop?, I thought.

Even if an angel appeared in front of me,at this rate, I may have driven right through him.I looked in my rear view mirror.Eyes squinting, I saw what looked to me like three blobs of custard and burgundy bobbing atop machine horses.I quickly realised it was the men.The hairs at the back of my neck rose.I floored the accelerator.As they gained in on me,the tall thin one jumped off the bike,eyes blazing, face contorted into a mask of icy rage, he put his  hand in through my window and reached out to try and take out my keys.

As his bony fingers touched the keys, I awoke!

Drenched in a pool of sweat , heart thumping like a finely tuned bass drum ,I sat up from the couch.

Alas, it was but a dream!

A dream?

Groggily, I reached out and felt for my blackberry beside me.I picked it up and held it close to my chest.

Some one was knocking.”Who is it?”, I croaked.Gingerly,I got up and stumbled to the door, and peering through the door hole, I saw the faces of men.I opened the door slowly.They were three.
“We are security men from the estate,we have come to collect ten thousand naira for your security levy”, they stammered.
The colour of their uniforms were-custard and burgundy!

63 thoughts on “For The Love Of Blackberry” by Berry Feistypen (@berry)

  1. So the ten thousand Naira goes anyway. Okay, think you better start practicing your texting and flashing skills. Your described the events in the story well. Really enjoyed it.

    1. Thanks Jaywriter…me?…this is afterall fiction….I do not even own a BB,but if I did I would take your advice…lol…Cheers!

  2. Sorry ‘you’ instead of ‘your’. The space after your punctuation marks, you’re really working on then. That’s also very good. But there were still some you didn’t space out well. Trust your next post’ll be perfect. Waiting for the next post.

    1. @Jay…I took all the advice and edited this before the review…and I know I missed out some…yea…next post will be perfect…I hope ;-)

  3. ROFLOLMAOFIAW,I really enjoyed this and I had a good laugh,lol @ nostrils like ears of an elephant,would love to see,the addiction to BBs is amazing,people would rather subscribe for the next month than eat and no one is an exception.
    Good tale and I love that ”James Bond” part.

    1. Gretel dear,what on earth is *ROFLOLMAOFIAW*…that in itself is hilarious!I’m really glad you like it…and yea I have a sister who puts aside BB money before anything else *smh*

  4. Nice one…A BB time act…well, me like….

    1. lol@treasured1…I’m used to your one-liners by now.A man of few words ,eh?
      I’m glad you like!

  5. LOL @ the 10,000 naira going AWOL either way. Hilarious read – I could actually picture the scenes in my head.

    1. @Lara B..picture was vivid,eh?
      thanks a lot!

  6. Lngkmd! This is so freaking funny! she just had to part with the 10k ehn?
    The thing wey blackberry go cause ehn?
    Well done dear. I’ve got tears of joy in my eyes. :)

    1. awwwwww….my sweet RemiRoy wey we wan fight that time…I’m so glad you like it.I wrote it especially for you;-)

  7. Wow…such a strong sense of description. My heartfelt worries for the groundnut seller.Great job!!!

    1. Thank you JaysPLANET…pitying the groundenut seller,eh?
      Look at it this way.A question of opportunity cost.If the MC can avoid paying 10k and return and pay 1k for groundnut.Nothing spoil!
      Thanks boss,I’m so glad you like.

  8. Wow!!!So it was dream after all but the 10k was still!
    very intense storytelling skills you’ve got there ma’am, set me on the edge of my seat and had to as much to save myself from embarrassment from laughing uncontrollably.if only the people around me knew.
    Great job!!!

    1. dwisebaba,I’m blushing…@intense @set on the edge of seat @embarrassment @laughing uncontrollably @Great job!!!!!!
      @everything…I’ve begun to scrape the surface then.

  9. Gosh, I know it was a dream, but trust me, half of the story rings very true! To me at least – when I was home I used to dread those guys! Back then they never asked for bribes, and never took them if you offered! You’d follow them to their office whether you liked it or not. So menacing! And I loved the imagery with the “visions of pigeons in custard and burgundy” flying off with her cash :D. Very entertaining read, berry. I know the BB craze is very much with us, so I totally feel her pain, lol.

    1. @Marya…and I wanted to fight with you(sob!sob):-(
      Thank you!Thank you!Thank you!…I’m glad you loved visions of pigeons in custard and burgundy…I tried to tie it with the pigeon hole(I wonder why they call it that)….and I’m a bit amused that nobody is calling their name-err the guys!;-)
      Thanks babes!Greater muse to NS WRITERS!

      1. Lol @ the “fighting”. And I don’t mean to go on and on, but :D. . .this was really good! The way you gave breath and life to the BB, mirrors exactly what it means to a lot of its users! I mean like, some folks are actually psychologically attached to their smartphones :P. I wish you could get this put in a mag, so pple can read and understand that this BB mania has to be addressed, lol.

        1. @Marya…u figure abi?
          Have you seen a chick crossing the road and BBing or pple BBing in church(my sis once said,when scolded by me,that she was on her Bible app)*rolling my eyes heavenward*…it didn’t matter that I could hear that famous obnoxious sound…we all know it….*ping*!!!!!

          1. Well, I’ve got a Bible app on my BB and my other phones, and I hardly take an actual Bible to church these days, lol. The Bible app saves you time looking for chapters, and it’s sure much lighter to carry! But I believe you about your sister: that tell-tale sound meant she was probably busy on her messenger! Well, I’ve never been BB mad, it serves a purpose for me but I’ll never lose any sleep over it, and I certainly don’t clutch it to my chest like the woman did when she woke up from her LASTMA dream (:D yeah, I’ve said their name now, too. Couldn’t remember earlier what they were called, lol)

            1. Lol….I’m not there oh! ;-)

  10. This is really good I must say, got my heart racing at some point. Yeah, I’d dare to call their name…or maybe not, I prefer the ‘custard- coloured- shirt and burgundy- trouser wearing’ description.

    Well done!

    1. @Scopeman,much thanks, dear…you no get liver to say it ,eh?I’ll try LA****….me too I know get!! :-D ….I’m glad you like..Cheers!

      1. Okay, now I don chop liver belleful, here goes, *LASTMA*.
        Me I no get any 10 grand for inside pigeon hole to give anybody sha.

        1. @Scopeman…den den den….You are hereby indicted for treason :-(

  11. HOT DAMN!!!

    ME LIKEE!!!

    1. HOT DAMN!!!!
      THANK YOU!!!

  12. Berry lol’s the comment you’ll get from me!
    Well done!

    1. @Abby…thank you….thanks a lot!!!:-)

  13. Brilliantly written and hilarious, I absolutely enjoyed reading this O!

    1. Awww…Tee Akindele….The Great Poet…Write me a poem to tell me how much you enjoyed reading!!Thanks a lot :-)

  14. So she had to part with her 10k either way. Lol. Your powers of description are quite strong. Well done.

    1. Thank you Uche…I did the best I could at the time…I’m glad you like it…Cheers!

  15. LMAO! I think her dream was actually a premonition.
    From someone whose BB and Android rules her life, i totally understand.
    Very funny story. I like a lot.

    1. Thank you@Lade..Ur BB and Android rule your life?Do u ping in church??? lol…or do u ping when crossing the street(that has to be the funniest ever!)…I’m so happy I made you laugh!

  16. Now this is how I like a story:descritions were spot on and I liked your many comparisms.

    You write well feisty, and you sure have a lot going for you.

    Well done!!!

    1. @Lawal…I’m truly grateful…your goodwill shines through your words…I’m glad I’m scraping the surface..Thanks a lot.

      1. Moderation is a virtue, no doubt Berry.But this is more than scratching the surface, I can assure you.

        Well done once again.

  17. @Lawal …all I can do is this :-)

  18. very well tod Berry
    he lost the 10,000 at last i

    1. She did yes!Thank you ….Andy, I’m glad you think it was told well.Cheers.

  19. The story was very vividly written – you did a good job of conveying the MC’s anxiety and fear over the emasculation of her BlackBerry – so that I read avidly right up to the point where the officials were chasing her and gaining on her. So well done there.

    Apart from the usual technical glitches here and there like tense confusion and missing spaces after punctuation, I felt that the ending didn’t quite work. I don’t know if you were going for the unexpected surprise, where the MC’s BlackBerry money was eventually consumed in some other way, but surely she would have expected that she needed to pay a security levy? I also didn’t know what to make of the fact that the colour of the security officials was the same colour of the road officials… does this mean that she’s psychic?

    One last thing that could cause confusion; in the story, there’s this:

    I scanned the oncoming traffic with the corner of my eye and with my hand clutching the steering wheel so tightly ; my fingerprints are still there till this day.

    So, was this really a dream, if the fingerprints are still there?

    1. I totally second Tola’s observation on the fingerprint humour. Berry, forgive me for dropping my comment only in a reply but I couldn’t find any weak point in this wonderful story till I read Tola’s comment. You were so good I couldn’t even guess it was a dream too. Though I became suspicious when the man jumped out of his bike to catch a fleeing WOMAN in a speeding car. That wan no dey happen for Naija o! He he he… Notwithstanding, I truly enjoyed this story sweetie *winks*

  20. Great again, TolaO, I’m glad the story made such an impression.
    1. I was going for an unexpected suprise ending..look at it this way…the point was that the 10k was specifically for the BB subcription…so whether or not the MC knew there was a security levy doesn’t matter in my opinion(I stand to be corrected of course), but even if she knew about the levy;it may have been say every three months or that was even the first time it came up.

  21. 2.The fact that the colour of the uniforms of the officials and the security agents were the same,wasn’t because she was psychic, at least I wasn’t thinking that at the time….all I was thinking was to provide a comic end to the whole story and showing just how doomed that 10k was …that the colour of uniforms of officials both in her dream and on awakening were just the same…like saying her need to preserve her BB funds was so strong ;her dreamworld foreshadowed reality.
    I hope I’ve made some sense.

  22. 3.As for, “I clutched the steering wheel so tightly, my fingerprints are still there till this day”…,I wanted to cut that because it lacked credibility, but laziness and self indulgence wouldn’t just let me change it.
    I never should have imagined that mediocrity would go unnoticed.
    4.As for tense issues,POV lapses and punctuation errors…I’m seriously working on those..It boils down to the same laziness…sometimes I’m simply too tired to move the mouse…but I do know the correct thing.
    I must stop being lazy if I’m going to make it.
    Thanks again.I’m so grateful.

  23. This was so fummy! i know quite a number of BB users, and this is exactly the desperation they go through! Every month they calculate their money in deficits of 5k saying that the 5k is not theirs! LOL! I also completely love the descriptions…

    1. I know, right! My sis will spread out the BB money on the table and keep staring at it as if it would fly away, and when it’s time to pay, she goes about the whole business with such devotion, it’s almost idolatry. Phew, what can I say? It has come to stay,yes indeed!

  24. Okay,i read this about an hour ago….but i had 2 come back and comment cos i’m still laughing hard!!nice one feistypen!!!

    1. Thank you, Sparky…and lol@u had to come back….dont crack those ribs oh!! Thanks a lot :-D

  25. I concur with some of the things @TolaO stipulated here, and I’m glad that you’ve noticed some of those things yourself concerning this interesting piece of yours. Well told, even though not too well-written! Your ‘feisty’ nature unhidden. Good job, ma’am, and I know you can do better, hm? ;)

  26. Thanks a lot, Nuella. I’m on a journey and I’m making good progress. I noticed those things and I’ve taken heed…Thank you again.

    1. Thanks @Shope. Please keep reading! :)

  27. I didn’t really like the story as i am a hater of blackberry phones, and didn’t like the idea of running away from the hawk -nosed uniform men at the expense of the safety of other road users. A good writ though; well expressed. Please don’t inspire the immature to vices as your skill at subtlety is praise worthy ma.

  28. @friday so you think we have immature ones here? by the way, are we to avoid telling about the evils we all know exist? writing is all encompassing that’s why we also have didactic stuff

  29. Oh this was fun, LASTMA the high way r……
    The dream twist was quite unexpected for me, good job Berry.

  30. Glad I read this. Good flow of words like water down Victoria Falls. My Berry, I need a Black Berry now!!! Good Physics too. I think the 2003 Corolla is worth loving too.

  31. The story is vivid to follow through. It really touched my emotions while reading.

  32. This is nice

  33. You have an amazing descriptive power…and d dream twist, beautiful.
    Lik u said d 10k was doomed and d BB fated to be made a caricature…lol

Leave a Reply