John had death on his mind, his death. He looked at the sky. It was so beautiful. The clouds were so white and they were so still, serene. The sun was shining brightly but mildly. A soft steady wind ruffled his hair. He would miss this world.
__________________________
He was a 27 year old surgeon who had made a reputation for himself very quickly. He was the youngest surgeon in the country when he started his practice. People automatically thought being the youngest surgeon of his time; he had to be among the best or the best. They were right, he was pretty darn good. His parents were rich but he was an only child. His parents’ marriage had been more a merger of two companies than of two souls. But he never really cared. They got out of each other’s way and never interfered in how either of them sought out pleasure, but more importantly, they got out of his way. He grew up on his own terms. He raised himself, he liked to think. His values were mostly internally forged. He didn’t believe in God. Or angels. He didn’t believe in love either, until he met Julia, the woman who changed everything.
He loved Julia more than anything in the world. He had met her in the hospital. She was accompanying an old man, her grandfather, who was scheduled for minor heart surgery with another doctor. She also was an only child but what was worse, her parents were long dead. He had fallen in love with her on the spot. He asked her out that very day. Three months later, they were engaged, to be married in two months.
Today was the day of their wedding and the last five months he has spent with Julia have been the best of his life. He was so happy when he woke up this morning. He dressed in his tuxedo, with so much pride, savouring every move with which he adorned himself. He felt on top of the world. His parents had finally found something else they could do together asides from business. And they spared no expense. 250 guests had been invited for the wedding. He only knew about five of them. His best man was his chauffeur, Jeffrey, who really was not only his chauffeur. He was also, his butler, his tennis partner, his wingman on club nights and his best and only real friend. Jeffrey was paid generously for his services.
Life was really good until five hours after the wedding should have taken place and his bride was nowhere to be found. He was fortunate not to know many people and embarrassment didn’t feature in his mind. He went to the home where Julia’s grandfather was living but they said they knew nobody of that sort. They had no records of anyone with the name he had known the man by. He checked everywhere he could think of but it seemed like she was a figment of his imagination up until now. That was the first time he realized how little he knew about her. He was completely befuddled.
He was exhausted from driving around looking for Julia. He asked his parents to call off the wedding and went to the nearest hotel he could find and checked in with instructions not to be disturbed under any circumstances. He was still wearing his tuxedo and the staff found him very odd indeed. He was in the elevator when his bank manager called and told him he had completed the wire transfers. What wire transfers?
‘The one you authorized this morning……….with your codes, Sir”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Sir, don’t you remember authorizing the transfer of your trust fund into one of our Cayman island branches? You used your personal encrypted codes”
John’s head felt very heavy and he felt he was about to pass out.
“Mr. Burton, I don’t have time for this now. Please be clearer. What exactly are you saying to me?”
“Sir, you transferred your money with us to another branch in the Cayman Islands and you further authorized a detailed transfer of the money into thirteen unnamed accounts. Sir, you used your codes”
John couldn’t breathe.
“Sir, are you there?”
John had let the phone drop to the elevator floor. He got out at the eighth floor where his room was on. He walked evenly into his room, locked the door behind him. He went to the balcony and stood precariously over the railings. He wished he had his gun with him instead. He looked up at the sky and it was beautiful; more beautiful than he had ever noticed it to be. He saw two swallows, one chasing the other. He could smell the freshly made coffee wafting in from the room to his right. Nothing had ever smelt better. The world was too beautiful and he was too young. He was just about to change his mind and come down from the railings, when he slipped.
Oh shit, he thought.
Amateur writer
That ending was everything.
Well done.
Hahahahahahahaha
He slipped after changing his mind? Ah, shit!
Well, not a story I’d buy in a hurry but, the opening: …he’d miss the world, and the closing…really nice.
Keep writing!
Lol. Those were the things that inspired the story, which was just a filler/build-up. Thanks for reading @adaobiokwy
Thanks @kaycee
Good pacing. I like this. But I feel something’s missing. The missing money feels kinda. Dont know. Were you trying to pack so much disaster into one day for him or you want us to feel maybe the missing bride went away with his wealth? I dont know…
Good opening and ending though.
Nice.
@banky. Yeah, I was trying to do both. His agony is borne from the fact he was duped of his money and of his love (which is very precious being who he is). He wouldn’t care about the money but the feeling of being used is what drove him to the edge. Thanks for reading!
Now, you did not really mention the connection between he’s being duped of love… Maybe you might want to elaborate on that a bit. A few dots and I am sure it would fit in with the money run. @Banky sure has a point. Find that missing element, fix it and I think the tale would be far better.
Good one.
Thanks
You told us the entire story. You didn’t let d story speak for itself even for a second. Well, maybe its your style.
I know what you mean. It felt like being spoonfed. Like I was holding your hand crossing the street. I’m not sure I have any style per se but the whole point of the story hinged on the ending. I can’t let the reader’s mind stray too far. Thanks for reading @ohmston
Who shat? The swallows overhead or he did! Good work.
Lol. I didn’t know what you meant for a couple of seconds
. I’m sure he shit himself somewhere during his gravitational journey. Thanks for your comment
Don’t like this one much. The telling is somehow.
The start? Brilliant. The end? Wonderful. In between? Fuddled.
It’s like you just had a punchline – the beginning and the end came first – and you just had to fill in the blank space.
My opinion.
Your opinion is accurate. This is exactly what happened. I wrote the thing in one go and all that inspired it was the ending. The rest was fodder @seun-odukoya
Nicely written, but come to think of it that thing that would make me commit suicide has not been created and would never be
Lol. Let’s hope so. Thanks @ifiokobong
Damn!
The ending was like a kick in the nuts!
Nicely done tragedy!
Lol. Thanks a bunch
Interesting, you got me with the beginning – well, like everyone else. I think though – like everyone else – that the middle needs to be reworked. Give it time. Add some thoughts, paint a few more pictures… I think.
Then, that end. Mehn! Nice. Was wondering about the last line though – could you remove ‘he thought’… Would be crispier. Well done.
I agree with you in everything, especially about removing the ‘he thought’. I like crisp. Thanks! @sueddie
kosi wahala
Pleasure
Nice one. Most have been said.