Oct 302012
This snow is new.
My lover is away
Fourth month without a letter
The small stream by our home will freeze soon
The fish will move upstream
I don’t know how to catch fish
But I sit with my pole to forget
The trees are shedding their leaves
And the snow on the mountaintops are growing
I’ll start painting again
It’s four months now and I haven’t seen the postman
My lover quests and I thirst
Maybe the postman is dead; maybe I am dead.
Amateur writer
Hmmn
I like this one.
Thanks. I’m not satisfied with it yet sha. I don’t like some lines like snowcaps growing as though they were living things. I’ll edit it sometime.
Thanks @kaycee
I am also not satisfied…u took it out of my mouth
here is something i saw:
“This snow is new.
My lover is away
Fourth month without a letter
The small stream by our home will freeze soon
The fish will move upstream
I don’t know how to catch fish
But I sit with my pole to forget”
This is how I feel:
“This snow is new. – the full stop…why?
My lover is away – I fink this needs a tie-back to the first line.
Fourth month without a letter
The small stream by our home will freeze soon – the next four lines can be re-arranged
The fish will move upstream
I don’t know how to catch fish
But I sit with my pole to forget….”
The piece could express more than wah I felt reading it….
The last line is wonderful….but nufin led us to even want to believe both postulations….I can’t feel the pain, the loss….I can’t enuf to fink in that line.
I av mentioned the arrangement before….I read trying to put myself in there with the poet….
So, when I see a stop I stop….
When i see a line jump I jump also…
Take pity on a poor fellow…biko!
Lol. Thanks man. I think my pet project now will be to make sure not to disappoint you @shaifamily. And your corrections actually make sense to me. I will rewrite it.
@vescucci and u know wah gladdens me most abt wah u just said?
” I will rewrite it.”
I will look forward to the remix….I av re-written a piece here before, when the house VETOED it. It is how you know those with true passion….I will be here when u r done.
Well, u could post d one u ” panel-beat” and add a footnote to it showing us it is d remix.
I believe u might not even need to, as we might still recognize it anyway.
@vescucci U complained of @Seun-odukoya handle…ur own sef…hmmmm.
Apart from the title, nothing in the poem says Geisha, more like mountain girl.
But I do get the sense of waiting, so good
Yeah, you’re right. I guess her being a Geisha is not as important as the title suggests. Thanks for reading, @Myne
@Vescucci: I doff my hat for you bro. Simplicity is an art i have craved to achieve in my works. and here you are, doing it so effortlessly. maybe you will have to teach me sometime.
Lol. Actually I’m a minimalist in many other things in life. Less is more many times. Thanks @ohmston. I appreciate your comments
‘Less is more’.
No be lie AT ALL. You did this so well.
A couple of issues:
“Fourth month without a letter”
Where you put your ‘s’?
And then – are you Nigerian? You don travel before? If so – why write ‘snow-themed’ poetry?
I like it though. Very much so.
By the way, may I suggest a title?
‘None’.
Lol. None eh? Thanks @seun-odukoya. I am Nigerian. I haven’t been to Japan before (which was where I visualized while writing this) but I’m not in Nigeria. I assume you were talking tongue in cheek because if I were to write solely based on personal experience, my boring life will be the death of me oh.
Dude, I feel you die.
I swear.
Look…we should talk better. No *&^%%$%^
I just followed you on twitter @seun-odukoya