“Oh shut it! You do not need to be vocal about every little thing that bothers you. Is she not here to help too? You have been busy and tired of late, your sister is ill and Morenike does our laundry and you complain? You did not even thank her all you could say was that she not enter our room. What is with you, Ronke?”
“Oh? Should I go and kneel to thank her so that you would be satisfied? You talk as if she sat on a low stool to wash the clothes or as if I punished her or something. Did she not just throw the clothes into the machine? Why didn’t she leave the clothes in a basket in the laundry room or outside our door? If she had to come in because you wanted her to why didn’t she leave the clothes for me to sort out? So, opening the wardrobe and touching my clothes is very much allowed, right? Would you say the same if I was to do that in her room? What was the point of boundaries for heaven’s sake?”
“Look, you can yell all you want. I just don’t like your behavior these days.”
“So now I am the one yelling? E bi e ko?”
“Hey watch your mouth…”
“Or what Adebiyi? You want to beat me because of a tramp, go ahead. Let the whole world not only hear of what I have suffered, let them see the results as well.”
“I can see you want to push me into temptation but I won’t give you the satisfaction. Keep on playing the victim card…it suits you so well these days.” With that, he walked out slamming the door hard.
Oh God, what was happening to me?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
“Aunty Ronke, please hi want to go to the market;” the ‘creature’ said in a bit to act nice.
“Okay,” Go to hell.
“Please hi won’t be long. Should hi get anything for you?” Heaven forbid.
“No, that’s okay. I am fine. Thank you.” Stupid creature, I’d prefer it if you never came back.
The thought made me smile and I was careful to make it look as if I was smiling at her. This probably made Bee think everything was alright because as soon as the ‘creature’ stepped out, he sidled over to my side.
“Hmm, I like your scent,” He whispered coming close and nibbling at my ear lobe.
I have always had this scent. “Thanks, Biyi please stop. Someone might come in.”
“So? You are my wife and we are in our house.”
“But Morenike could have forgotten something.”
“Morenike isn’t my wife, you are. Hmm…your breasts are full…are you on?”
The nibbling was getting to me but I just couldn’t. “Where were you at two this morning?”
The hands that were tweaking my nipples stopped. I wasn’t enjoying it anyway; my breasts had become heavy and more painful especially my nipples, so his touches bruised me more than they caressed.
“What are you trying to do babe, can I not have a little fun with you in peace?”
“What do you mean? I have always asked you questions tons of times during romance; how is this different? If my husband was not on our bed for an hour and a half, I deserve to know where he was.”
He sat up and shifted a bit putting some distance between us. The gesture brought about a sudden chill and a sense of foreboding.
“I got a beep from Morenike, she needed help.”
“And why didn’t she beep me or better still why didn’t you call me to go with you if you didn’t trust me to go alone?”
“Look, I don’t like your tone. Have I not answered your question?”
“And I don’t like yours as well, Biyi. Why should Morenike call you when we had agreed that she was to go through me if she wanted anything?”
“You wouldn’t have known what to do”
“What is that supposed to mean and how exactly did you know what to do? Have you suddenly become a doctor? Is it because you have your family’s support?”
“’Our family’ babe, they are yours as well.” Even in anger, he knew not to differentiate.
“No, I doubt that. I doubt that my family would have allowed me to go through this whole drama; even your mother stood by and watched, have I done anything to her?”
“She is your mother as well.”
“No, she is yours. Mine if alive would never have been so callous.”
“Ronke, please leave ‘our’ mother out of this.”
“Ehen and if I don’t; will you throw me out?” I was behaving like a rogue no scratch that a local area mama, this wasn’t me. I hated those kind of women.
“I cannot throw you out of our house. We both own everything but I can leave the house for you, it’s getting obvious you want to be alone.”
“Don’t let me stop you. Please take your tramp as well and go have jolly fun with other tramps.” I had crossed the line.
“Listen to me, I am trying so hard to please you but I don’t know what else to do. I have tried to suppress my joy ever since I have had the news that I was going to have a child but because I knew you would be hurt; I have suppressed the feelings, but you cannot know how I want to shout from the tree-tops, you cannot know how saddening it is that I cannot share all of this with you. Ronke, is it not glaring that at least I am not the one with any fault?”
“You are the personification of a fool at forty.”
The slap that followed was stunning. I have never been hit by my husband before not even when I was 25, a new wife and a bit heady but then again we had never stooped this low.
I had stalked to the door when I stopped. No, I was also going to have my say but this time I was calm. The tears fell but I was calm. I read somewhere that tears and calm words had a greater effect.
“You are a silly bastard Biyi.”
“Ronke, listen to…”
“No, you listen to me. You are a silly bastard if you have the guts to refer to our childlessness in such a manner; yes, it’s ours as well not mine alone. If we both own everything, we both own the troubles as well. For the past ten years have I not gone through pain as well? What have the doctors said, Biyi?”
“Look I am sorry…”
“No, what have the doctors said? Say it out loud. What did you say to me on the night you tore my hymen after we had become one? Were they promises whispered on the spur of the moment or did you mean them?”
“Ronke, please I…”
“No, did you mean them or not? I want to know what to tell our child when he grows. Perhaps it’s for the best this happened. I wouldn’t want the child I am carrying to know that his father was a man that couldn’t keep to his words.” I shouldn’t have said the words that would haunt me later.
“Ronke what are you saying?” He was broken, I was watching my pillar crumble at the news he was hearing but I felt nothing.
This was not how I had wanted to deliver the news that we were having our first child.
“I am saying what I have been trying to say ever since you came back. The joy I have had to suppress so yours could be expressed; the fact that even though our dreams came true it had been turned to a nightmare because of your selfishness and impatience.”
The man was broken. “Ah Ronke, the wife of my youth; I have wronged you. Can you ever forgive me? ” He came close touching my belly as he spoke, his voice filled with sorrow, his eyes with unshed tears and I cringed, I couldn’t help it. “Can our child ever forgive me?”
I wanted to reassure him that everything was going to be alright but I couldn’t find the words. I didn’t think we would be alright.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
The house felt alive as I entered. Dropping my first set of groceries on the kitchen counter, I walked into the sitting room. My sister was not yet back from school and I had decided to come home early from the market, owning your business was definitely a good thing. I heard the laughter and stopped, it appeared Morenike was talking to someone on the phone.
“No, emi nikan ni mo wa n le,” Laughing to what the other person was saying, she continued making half-hearted protestations.
“But what did you want me to do now? This is the first step o, hi pray everything works out well for me ore mi. No…mo sure now. Mo lo female condom fun ara mi now but awon o mo, won ti mu oti yo…Olorun yo mi pe mo lo fun bachelor party nye; kini ma ti se?”
She paused probably to hear what the other person had to say; “Iwo no ba mi ro now se ma wa gbe oyun lo fun ‘HEMEKA’ ni, boy nye olowo ke? Ngbati o wa sele be mo kuku lo brain mi, o sa mo pe mo smart gan?Ma se sime sime fun wan for a while especially iyawo rada rada yen but je kin bi mo tan …
I didn’t need to hear more, I had heard enough. I had thoroughly gone about everything the wrong way. I had been played by the ‘creature’ – no, she was now a bitch, she had officially become one – and had nearly been won.
I now had a task and that was to save my marriage. No woman was going to bring another man’s child into my house and then chase me out as well. If only I knew how to get to Emeka.
Backing out slowly, I had forgotten about the pan I bought along with the groceries. As I watched it fall and make the loudest noise; it occurred to me that I was sneaking around in my own house…sneaking around because of a stranger.
TO BE CONTINUED
Why you dey hang your sis like this?
Well written.
Few typos dey sha, but I still enjoyed it.
@osakwe my sis no vex…blame my crashed lappie. I didn’t do it deliberately, glad you enjoyed it. If there are typos…blame me for not going through it thoroughly…what with being behind my own deadline and the sorrow of the death of a lappie
Fabuluos continuation, excellent dialogue renditions i could almost see the Creature bubbling on phone and feel Ronke’s burning cheeks. This was very very good. I salute!
@nicolebassey So you have started calling her the ‘creature’ too? Mma, na wa for you oh. Thank you as always
I so enjoyed this.
But what is with the yoruba??? We all don’t speak it.
@Kaycee oga, it’s just a sprinkle of yoruba na…Thank you for reading and enjoying
@enoquin, this story is getting more interesting. But i was thinking you would interpret the yoruba phone conversation for us…anyway, I still enjoyed it.
Btw…your knowledge of yoruba is impressive. Which one will you use next?
@queennobo hehehehe….thanks. I put the keywords in English…As for the yoruba language…i am a Lagos babe o…don’t mind the fact that I am also an annang babe living in Akwa Ibom
Sweet sweet all the way.
well…what did i say about yoruba movies again? this is getting predictable…still i cant help wanting more.
@Eletrika: thank you ma
@kiah: nya umia oh…! Thank you for reading but quit calling it a yoruba movie like story…my characters are more sophisticated than that…thanks for reading jare
The things women go through… Good story.
@magic thank you…things women go through indeed
Hehehe @kiah…and the sprinkling of yoruba just makes it glaring huh?..
Don’t understand the yoruba, but i am guessing the baby ain’t Biyi’s. Time for Ronke to play sleuth…. I am enjoying this o…Well done Aunt Eno….$ß.
me i tire oh! i swear i have seen countless movies exactly like this but if i talk now…
@sibbylwhyte The key words were in English and you guessed the fact that the baby wasn’t Biyi’s right but I do not how right your other sentence is…don’t mind @kiah…just say you love Yoruba movies and that any yoruba written in any story equates it to a Yoruba movie standard…so tomorrow, if I add a sprinkle of German to any story better equate it to a German movie oh
Still very gripping and well written, @enoquin. I liked how after the MC would give an answer to Morenike, she would add her own personal evil thoughts after.
The points still await the ending…
Hehe, so now @TolaO is using the carrot approach, inTerEstIng, . Ekamba Mma Titia, Ronke’s response to that slap… mbok mana suk ayen che iche, Annang Ma!
@nicolebassey…don’t mind oga @TolaO…just dangle the bait…just a little…..at enoquin…dangle it and in the end drop like 5 points…smh
@enoquin, you are being unfair. If you go here:
http://www.naijastories.com/members/TolaO/NSpoints/awards/
and click on ‘Donations’, you will see that I have the title of ‘NS-Donatus’.
Anyway, points or no points, I await the next installment.
(Condolences on your crashed laptop. We’ve all experienced data loss one way or the other.)
@TolaO: Relax na…I thought writers had unlimited humor both dark, twisted and otherwise. We are gods, I keep hearing. So I was pulling at your legs…I am quite mischievous and I am glad you fell for it..hehehehehehehehehehe
*Sobs* as for my lappie….I don’t want to remember it, the burial of my hard disk will be on Saturday…please do send in your condolences all writers especially@layrite…it’s free oh…I ain’t paying nada……hehehehehehehehehehe @admin
@Enoquin,
I don’t know about you, but I’m SERIOUS! The depredations on my psychological, metaphysical and cardiographical state of mind by impugning the integrity of my NS-Donatus 50 title have been incalculable. In fact, I was going to donate 5 points, but now, I’m thinking that I should take one point, cut it into four and give you the smallest part…
The only way I can get over the damage to my psyche (and change my mind about donating points) is for me to read the next installment of your story, so hurry up…
@TolaO: You didn’t have to do a Hon. Patrick Ohiagbon on me…It’s not fair…what’s with the big grammar? In fact @admin should take all his points and give them to me for his trying to intimidate me with words….Relax oga…the next installment should be in two days time. hehehehehehe…till then I wish you restless nights till it comes in…
I wonder why @admin did not inform me of this ‘mention’. Maybe I should do a post on that too… Maybe not.
@enoquin: I’m not so big on osmosis, I prefer diffusion. Seeing that you are the one with the higher concentration of solute, I aint giving you nada.
Nice series you have going…
@layrite: So you think intimidating me with scientific words will work? Hehehehehehe….just made me remember Biology and the diagram for osmosis and diffusion…
@nicolebassey: Iya….Annang mmamado…iyaaaaaaaa…..iyai! I didn’t even see your other reply….Nsi inam itie afo aboho do?
The dialogue is engaging. Continue this story soon, it is really getting hotter. Sorry about your crashed lappie. What really went wrong with it?
@strongself: Thank you jare…my lappie just died an untimely death…the hard disk crashed with some of my recent works and I have been in mourning ever since. Thanks for reading
@enoquin. Believe me, I understand your plight. Mine crashed almost two years ago and it was so wrecking. I lost all; I mean all, save my personal memory. But the reprieve was that I was able to recover bit of them from my mail and some other places where I had done backups online. I know it is painful, but don’t worry, you will get over it anyway. Just keep writing and I will keep reading them.
@strongself: Thank you…and the funniest thing is that I am ever so careful….All my old backups are in my flash, an external hard drive, my sister’s lappie, my office system, my boyfriend’s system but I guess recently I just got careless…this has taught me never to relax my guard again
You are somewhat safe then. It happens. One cannot always have a %100 backup. I guess the loss will only be on recent works that you’ve done. I am glad you did some backups. That’s good and keep writing, girl.
Enjoyed the story, although typical nigeria story and could be quite predictable
As per the written, I picked out a few problems
1) grammatical errors, some packed up sentences, missing commas etc
2) Imaginery: a lot of writers talk about the slogan “Show, don’t tell”. In ur story, we get a good idea of what ronke is thinking and also the dialogue but barely nothing beyond that. For example, where ronke was slapped by biyi. I expected to see her shocked reaction and even biyi’s surprise @ himself for slapping her. But it was poorly painted. I couldn’t see it or feel the impact of the slap. Also some part of the dialogue could have formed and be better as narratives.
3) The pace: I think the story went @ a good pace in the beginning but suddenly became to fast. I mean, the pace @ the room scene was too quick. That was suppose to be a kind of scene that sinks a reader deeper into the story and make them really feel what the characters were feeling.
Anyway, cool write up still. I hope I was helpful
@meshybizzo…hmm…grammatical errors; I would agree. Imaginery; possibly yes: the pace, I dunno, guess I would have to disagree on that.
I was more worried that I would lose the story. Before my lappies’s crash, I had written everything and was just to send each part whenever I had the time or network allowed me to log on. After the crash (something my boyfriend will not forget in a hurry because I was on his case till it was determined that nothing could be done), I had already sent in 1 & 2 but I had to re-construct 3 & 4 with some scenes I did not want to throw away… I was more worried of there not being a disconnect between the stories so I guess I worried less of grammatical errors…although I think 4 will be better.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Ok. don’t know exactly what you are writing anyway. A novel or short story? Anyway just gave my own views as per the write up. Sorry about your laptop. keep writing and learning!
@meshybizzo…Nope it is not a novel. It is just what it is…..a series
@enoquin: You might want to subscribe to Skydrive (a Microsoft FREE product that gives you FREE 7G of space) and back up all your work for FREE on the internet. Just like a mail, you can access it anywhere in the universe (even on the moon). That way your BF will have less problem and headache… hehehehe
@layrite Okay thanks, I will check it out…less problem for my boyfriend ke? The guy loves and craves for it….it makes me more feminine and less independent he says…though I wonder what he means by being more feminine…is curves and everything not okay these days?
A tale of the crash…Hmm.
This your Yoruba and commented Annang, haba! Haba!!
Yoruba movie indeed.
You did your best with this. I got a sense of the tale and I like the sequencing. Still, I think I have to read the next installment to form a proper impression. Maybe I would join Hon. Patrick Donatus @Tola O after the installment… but only after that…
Hmm.
@sueddie: Why does it seem like you men like it when a girl is harassed? Whatever happened to rushing to help a damsel in distress? What happened to when men engaged in dueling just so a woman could be protected? Oh my! *check you inbox sha* while I meditate on why things have gone awry between the olt times and now
This is masterful storytelling, one I enjoyed immensely. Part I to III have all been delightful meals for me. Girl, you are good and you should always know that, even as you strive to be better. And the way you handled dialogue–Chai! Very engaging indeed.
Now to some critique:
["If she had to come in because you wanted her to why didn’t she leave the clothes for me to sort out? "] There should be a comma between TO and WHY as in “…wanted her to, why didn’t…” or better still a comma followed by the adverb THEN as in “…wanted her to, then why didn’t…”
[“Ehen and if I don’t; will you throw me out?”] The semicolon between DON’T and WILL is not necessary because the sentence flows naturally and doesn’t need any sort of break (except you want to break it in two with a question mark as in “Ehen, and if I don’t? Will you throw me out?”), so you have “Ehen, and if I don’t will you throw me out?”
[I was behaving like a rogue no scratch that a local area mama, this wasn’t me.] There are two problems here. ‘No scratch that’ is an interjection and it so it should be treated as such within the framework of the sentence, so you have: “I was behaving like a rogue–no scratch that–a local area mama…” The em dash helps to achieve this effect.
Secondly, the comma before ‘this wasn’t me’ should be either a semicolon or an em dash (if you want the sentence continued); or a full stop. The reason is that your use of the comma here creates a comma splice. To allow the comma remain there, you must add a suitable coordinating conjunction immediately after it–in this case, that would be ‘and’. So you have: “I was behaving like a rogue–no scratch that–a local area mama, and this wasn’t me.”
[“We both own everything but I can leave the house for you, it’s getting obvious you want to be alone.”] Same comma splice problem.
[I have tried to suppress my joy ever since I have had the news that I was going to have a child...] I don’t think the latter repetition of have is necessary. And I am wondering if ‘had’ is supposed to be ‘heard’. Maybe I am about to learn something new.lol. So using ‘had’ we now have: “I have tried to suppress my joy ever since I had the news that I was going to have a child…”
“My sister was not yet back from school and I had decided to come home early from the market, owning your business was definitely a good thing.” A semicolon before owning, definitely.
[I heard the laughter and stopped, it appeared Morenike was talking to someone on the phone.] Semicolon should replace the comma.
My humble opinion.
Well done. You know I am your big fan.
Keep improving your art. There is no end to learning.