Say This To God

Say This To God

I am a young man, a very good young man. I have a well paying job and some toys, and the feminine accompaniment to these things. I am healthy. I have everything a young man of this age would love. My life is perfect, but I am dead.

A lot of men my age envy me. I understand their illusion; they do not see my reality. They don’t wear my shoes. I am almost 30 but I feel 70. I can’t drink, I can’t smoke, and I can’t have all those wonderful pleasures of the world. I can’t sin no more. It seems I have outgrown this world and its pleasures. I feel dead, and like the dead, I do not look forward to anything. I don’t feel like going to bed or waking up the next day. If I am promised a million pounds tomorrow, I will still not look forward to it. Everything that should be interesting now seems mundane.

You would not believe this, but at times, a beautiful lady, a friendly stranger with no familial ties would spend a weekend in my house and I would have no urge? This is a very strange thing; it is a problem that really troubles my spirit. These days I am a recluse and I abstain from everything. It is not because I have found Christ; even though Christ is very good in hide and seek, I really have never misplaced him. I think I am having something worse than a midlife crisis. I am dying of old age at my young age and there is no visible reason for this.

I should commit suicide, I feel that bad. But I am not an American, and I do not live in the UK. I have to do something, but I cannot kill myself, I would only feel the same way I feel right now.

I have heard it said that much reading will bring a body to this unfortunate state in life. But I have not read that much. I do not have all those degrees that cause people to go insane and write meaningless tomes that no one reads.

Lack of love can also dig a hole in a man. But I have never lacked for that. I have all the kinds of love a man should have, and I even take them for granted.

They say I should not complain; that I should be grateful. That I am lucky to have all that I have and fortunate to be who I am. I don’t feel grateful. I don’t feel lucky. I have a cavity in my soul, and I need to fill it.

Deep within this chasm of despondence, I have this deep seated hunger for something, anything. I am in a perpetual state of search and longing, for that something; a light, perhaps, something higher, above and beyond Good and Evil. I need profundity. I seek a deeper realm, something inexplicable, something fulfilling…
Something like God.

I am persuaded that if I find God I will come back alive.
Here we meet the crux of the whole matter. I cannot find God anywhere. This is the frustrating problem. I have really been searching. I have looked for God in the Bible, cover to cover, and in different versions. I have read most of these Christian books. I have read the Quran, and found it lacking spirituality. Yoga is for body builders, and Hindus are Indians and pagans. I don’t know where to find the Free Masons or Illuminati; they seem interesting, though I don’t know if they have a God. The African Traditional Religion is closer to home, but it is dirty and scary.

I keep returning to the Christian version of things; there is a certain depth I find in Christianity, but I don’t know which of the denominations will lead to God faster. Still, I prefer the Christian God because He is the loudest and the only God that I heard died and rose again; if He could rise again then perhaps He can lend me a hand. But at this stage, any god will do. In truth, I have devoted more time in my search for the Christian God than for any other. I have gone to mountains and prayer meetings, and spent time in crusades, retreats and seminars. In these places, it seems only others find God; only the worshipers standing next to me get caught up and moved by the spirit.
I used to scoff at those that get slain in the spirit and fall around during services. Now I envy them. The genuine ones, at least, have an otherworldly experience. I don’t know how to fall, I have tried. I have never felt the move of the spirit, and I have held my breath many times. I have fasted, I have prayed, I have listened, I have shut my eyes tight and I have been still.

Absolutely nothing. No joy of salvation, no “presence” of God. I come out feeling worse than I entered. I know it shouldn’t be so. Perhaps, others are more broken and have more pain if their wailings and tears are to be considered. I cannot cry when I am not in pain. I cannot pretend. Isn’t it enough to be saved? Or is there another way of being saved? Isn’t it enough to sincerely and honestly want God? I should have that Abundant Life, and not this frustrating yearning. I should find, because I have been seeking.

They say it is by faith, that the just live by faith. Well, I also read that faith without works is dead. I have practiced and believed and I am tired of having faith!

I have been tempted many times to conclude like my friend, Nietzsche, that God is dead. But I think God lives, for in my subconscious and in that of every other mortal there is a deep and immovable idea of God. No mortal is an atheist. God is there somewhere watching me. I think he is the cause of this my problem. I think he is the one calling. I like to believe that it is a case of deep calling for the deep, creator calling the created.

But it is not fair.

I am right here answering, always have been. It seems God is flashing my call lines. He should be bigger than that. Why call a man only to drop the call when he picks? I am not Jonah, I am not running anywhere. If God is God then there is no escaping Him, I am wise enough to know that. I won’t even try to convince anyone on how unrealistic it would be for someone to call me to be a preacher. I will lead any congregation straight to the Chairman in Hell. I don’t want to preach.

What I want is simple.

I want to experience God. I want to see visions. I want to speak to God and hear God speak to me. I want to feel that joy of salvation some people talk about. I want to feel His presence; I want to have a bright light shine into my eyes too . I need my own personal encounter, I need my own miracle. I do not want to hear it from others anymore, I want my very own; the one I can take to the bank, not these kinds that can be explained away. I am tired of taking everything by faith, belief and hear say. If God be true, let me experience that truth.

I am convinced that this is possible. I am persuaded that God still speaks and whispers today same way He spoke and interacted with the old time prophets. I do not know why I am this strongly convinced, but my conviction is a constant. And it is unfortunate because this conviction is what fuels this yearning, the yearning that is killing me.

Are there people like me? Are there people suffocating and bearing an unseen burden of despondency and emptiness? Who knows this God; the one that speaks and whispers deep things to mankind? The one that answers when He is called; the God that inspires creativity; the God that loves, protects and guides. Who has felt this God?

Please, tell me how to find Him and where He is hiding. I assure you, I do not need Him for selfish and material gains. I do not need him for power. I need him because I am bored with this life and I am old and running out of time. I need him because he is my cause and the blessing to this curse of mine.

I need him because I am a dead man that should not be dead.

Say this to God if you meet him before I do.


55 thoughts on “Say This To God” by kaycee (@kaycee)

  1. Good piece. Kudos!

    1. Thanks for reading, man.

  2. Hmm, it looks like i would need a whole book, I will tell Him, I hope you are as sincere as you seem and i hope you will be ready when He speaks. Very well written piece, worthy of NS’ greatest critic. :-)

  3. You can still commit suicide in Nigeria. I assure you,it is not that strange a phenomenon. Not anymore.
    Good job

  4. Tehehehehe, at the compliment.

    Am always sincere.
    Been ready for a long time.

  5. @kaycee…as desperate as you sound…He definitely will find you…

  6. I hope you experience Him before you get tired of waiting.
    Well written and so real.

    1. @osakwe
      Thanks for reading.
      I hope so too

  7. Maybe you should go for one of these RCCG camp gatherings one of these days. I’m sure some part of your emptiness will be filled. Just try. You’ll say I said it. I’m not a member though.

  8. The same reason, “I breathe, I die and I live.”
    “Our souls cannot find rest until the rest in God”
    The Confessions of St. Augustine, a must read.

    1. @oster,

  9. Since u can write about how u feel- an action that’s probably cathartic- you have hope.

    1. Thanks, man. @drzhivago
      i appreciate.

  10. Nice one, @Kaycee, really nice one.

    1. @obiaguomba, brother, i remember you now.

  11. My brother…I know where you are, and where you are coming from…cos I was there… Not the point of being dead-God knows I’ve been very much alive. No, I mean the point of constantly searching for something more…something to fill the void.
    My opinion? Look up. I’ll inbox you later, but for now…God bless you.

    1. @raymond
      Musketeer, lots in common as usual.
      I’ve been looking up. Neck is tired.

  12. If I wasn’t a nice person, I would have said “just shut the hell up and be grateful fo you life”
    But like I said, I’m nice.
    So here’s my own advice;
    First, take a trip, leave the things that distract you. Go to a place where you can have peace and quiet. Clear your head, maybe then, you might know the direction you want to take…you sound really confused right now. N u might take the wrong decisions.
    You can aslo help people, if you can. And not just anyone but someone that really needs it. Be an instrument of God in someone’s life.
    That’s the way I found God; by being at peace with myself n helping people. Now I can close my eyes and talk to Him.
    I hope it works for you, cos a life without God is not a life.

  13. @dira,
    You are very nice.

    1. @kaycee, thank you for noticing.

  14. “You have made us for yourself O Lord and our hearts are restless until it rest in you…” (The confessions chpt1:1). The author of the above quote came to that conclusion after asking the questions you have asked and searching like you. I am speaking of St Augustine of Hippo. You may wish to to look him up (biograghy and books).I think it will help. For my part I can promise you that so long as you searching earnestly for him you will find him.
    By the way great write up!!!!
    Hmm I am the second person mentioning St Augustine here…please read up.

    1. I have read The Confessions. I studied st Augustine for a whole session in school.

  15. I think everone has offered you an advice that are in tandem with reality for them in some ways. Pascal identifies this void and claims that only God can fill it. Nietzsche was equally a despondent man who drank his life away, a disturbed man wretched of selfhood and identity because he denouced the very succourer of life-God. jesus said to pilate, ‘allon the side of truth listens to me.’ If you really seek truth, you will hear from him. He placed the pre-requisite for the recognizability of the truth within the honesty of our own hearts. So you just be honest in your search and Voila!!!

  16. Is this a fiction or reality? Well, you don’t need an out of the world experience to walk with God; feelings too will come and go. All you need still is faith and a baptism of the Holy Spirit. If you are for real and sincere about this, seek pastoral counsel.

    1. @bamto
      Thanks for reading.

  17. @kaycee. This is honestly a BIG fiction. Wow! Anyways, God will deliver u.

    1. Dear idiocy,
      Get thee hence!

      Thanks for reading.

  18. a standing ovation for the king of prose- well done

  19. @kaycee why don’t you just go and lie between the rail lines at Yaba?


    Cool reading. Now you are beginning to weave these things together….


    Finally, wahever happened? You repented? *Decode and reply in similar code*

    1. @shai, yeah.
      Something came up.

  20. I demand a sequel!

  21. A quest for God. This piece sticks in because it seems sincere…Here’s to hoping you find him in time Kay…Nice work…$ß.

  22. Wow… really felt this. Hope you find what u seek soonest.

    1. I hope to.
      Thanks for checking in.

  23. For you to have reneged on your threat, this must be desperate indeed.

    Well Jesus Christ said that ‘the kingdom of God is within you.’ Though I don’t know what that really meant. But he might be in your kitchen and you’re busy searching for him in your sitting room. I’ve not seen him though. When I do I’ll let you know how to. Keep searching…

  24. This reminds me of the movies Constantine, End of Days and Devil’s Advocate. Fluid writing man. You truly studied philosophy.

  25. Always read you pieces before any other. And I’m never disappointed.
    For your spiritual quest, i offer no help… Even the bible said each of one of us must work out his own salvation with fear and trembling…we all keep searching. U can’t help me, I can’t help u. Great work.

    1. @omojola
      I appreciate that. Much thanks.

  26. Wonderful! Not only philosophical, but also too spiritual to stimulate Manking into a meaningful search/return to God. Keep the flames of your skills burning, Man.

    1. Thank you for reading, @nsahmala

  27. I will tell God when I see Him today.

  28. This is obviously not Kaycee’s story, I wonder why y’all are telling him stuff that’s supposed to help him find God. he knows where to, Don’t You? @kaycee.

  29. ghandi (@laavidaalocaa)

    i can swear i’ve felt this way and still feel so from time to time. i guess u r not alone in dis. keep pressing on bruv…

  30. as usual, quite intriguing

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