It’s a pity life deflect from Daydreaming
Where it’s free to maneuver the undertakings
It’s extreme ecstasy in the world of fantasy
And all occurrences will catch your fancy
We wish it’s easy to grab our juvenile wishes
When we make some lists of endless wishes
We shaped our future like we heard in tales
When we grew, it turned to a seasonal movie
We dreamed and hoped for the best of Nuggets
A pearl that suits ‘the Angel of my dream’
The gem with whom my future is ‘secured’
A perfect match is the hope of all singles
It’s a fabulous sister I wish to marry
A soothe to my pains, the desire of an age
For me, all I need is the ‘caring’ brother
Whose personality could uphold my dignity
We annotate the qualities of our dreamed partner
But couldn’t renovate ourselves to a good standard
With complacency we expect a perfect being
But satisfied to remain as a local being
We know for sure that courtship can’t rescue
But Divine Guidance abet only those lucky
To experience the life’s little goodies
It’s an obligation to get good partner
Nay It’s not a crime to make a wish
But too terrible to neglect your duties
If you really deserve a good soul mate
You must build yourself to be fit as one
By: Ajayi Abdulganiyy Abiodun
Please, criticisms and recommendations are highly invited.
Thanks in anticipation.
Well, thank you for inviting honest feedback.
abcde
a. I like your poem, it is a narrative styled poem with an important message to all that are single ,searching or waiting.
b.The language you used seemed too difficult for the subject matter ( to achieve more readers/likers try to be simple, very simple)
c. I like the effort to rhyme but it wasnt very well done. Using a word to rhyme with itself is not ideal, at all. It is better to rephrase the sentence,expression or thought till you find two words that ryhme and still retain your intended meaning.
d.There were tense mix-ups along the line and some expressions were not very fluid( a soothe to my pains? soothe is a verb!)
e. In all, the poem has a great idea and lovely thoughts but can be better expressed. Perhaps @xikay or @writefight would give this the honour of their poetic prowess….
Also @chemokopi and @TolaO
Finally, its a good poem, polish it till it shines! Best Wishes.
@zenith4us, I’m less forgiving of typos in poetry than I am in prose, because in poetry, how you express yourself is very important. Unfortunately, this had many typos, and the way you used words was confusing. Take the first stanza:
But having said that, I like the idea that you try to express in the poem, about getting a good life partner. I would have removed the first couple of stanzas and started from the third, where the main theme of the poem starts.
@nicolebassey, i really really appreciate your comments. They are just what I expected -honest reviews. Thanks again, I actually agree with your opinions, I could see better now.
- I meant to use “soother”.
This is a good opening remark. Please I need more reviews.
Thanks in anticipation.
I second all of @nicolebassey‘s points, except I do feel though that it is not your language that is difficult–it is simple as it is–but the way you connect sequences and ideas: I feel it was haphazard, like there was no logical progression in the flow.
Now to some critique of grammar:
[It’s a pity life deflect(s) from Daydreaming]
[When we make some lists of endless wishes] there is a disconnect here; You can’t say ‘lists of endless wishes’. By making a list you have already made the wishes finite: so you can’t have them as endless.
Consider these two alternatives:
/We wish it’s easy to grab our juvenile wishes
Though they be endless like pebbles strewn on many beaches./
And
/We wish it’s easy to grab our juvenile wishes
As we try to iron out the creases of our endless wishes/
[A soothe to my pains, the desire of an age] @nicolebassey is very correct. Soother is more appropriate if you must use a noun form of soothe.
[But (are) satisfied to remain as a (remove the
'a') local being(s)
[To experience the life’s little goodies] ‘the life’s’ should be just ‘life’. But if you are personalizing, you must start ‘life’ with a capital L, so you have ‘the Life’s.
[It’s an obligation to get good partner] this should be ‘get A good partner’ or ‘get good partners’
Well done. Nice nuggets of wisdom.
… like pebbles strewn on many beaches… amazing simile simply amazing
thanks @chemokopi, You too much
Hehehe…abeg O @nicolebassey. Was just offering shine for something already beautiful in its right. Thanks, all the same.
@chemokopi, love your painstaking review. It’s highly commendable.
Every poem is subject to different interpretations so its not surprising for one person to see something where another sees nothing.
For me the poem is simple not exactly straightforward but the meaning is easily deduced. It ponders on the aspect of how we all fantasize about our dream partners and relationships yet are reluctant to play our part in making ourselves a mirror of the preferred better half.
The use of the pluralistic 1st person narrative ‘We’ creates the impression that it’s a general trend of belief amongst singles which is a truthful reality.
However, while the poem does a good recount of our flaws, it offers the advice that makes it didactic. But I find the first verse not as attention grabbing as the remaining verses. The words are there….maybe you need to look at the arrangement again.
Nice poem all the same.
@Afronuts, thanks for deciphering what i really meant. I appreciate the comments and taken in.
I like the poem. Its actually commendable.
Enjoyed it.
I do not think he tried to rhyme. The poem is simple and clear. I enjoyed it