Destroyed Motive 3

 Posted by       67 views  Fiction
Aug 112012
 

John and Jane kept meeting at his singing point, and they often had kisses which Jane had often initiated, but unknown to her, Jane, that her father have started to spy on her activities through one of his most trusted guard, to find out if any man is actually distracting her from her potential marriage to prince James.
Soon, the guard was able to find out something so interesting for the king, Jane’s father.
“I am here with good news, your highness.” he said as he stood in the presence of the king.
“What news?” His ears itched.
“I have found out about the man who is distracting your daughter, the princess.”
The king quickly adjusted himself on his throne, and fixed his look on the guard.
“Tell me more about the story.”
“He is the son of the late sir Peters, the blacksmith, his name is John, a guitarist.”
“Yes I know about that family.”
“He is the one that the princes have been seeing secretly all these while, that have made her lack interest in Prince James.”
The king was quiet for a while, nodding his head angrily.
“Thank you for this, I must surely reward you greatly.” He said finally.
“Thank you, your highness.”
“You may now leave”
He left immediately.
Later in the day when Jane was around, her father sent for her.
“Good evening father, you sent for me.”
“Yes I sent for you, because you have become too foolish more than I can take, that I can not fold my hands to watch that happen since your mother can not handle you any more.”
Her heart trembled, but she managed to maintain calmness.
“What is my sin, father?”
He hesitated.
“What have you been doing with that guitarist, what have you been doing with that foolish boy?”
She felt a terrible cold at the pit of her stomach.
“I only go to listen to his songs, and that’s all.” she said hesitantly.
“Because we don’t have musical equipments in our house anymore that you can listen to music with?”
“It’s just that I enjoy his pattern of singing and the way he plays his guitar.”
Her father eyed her sadly, then said; “listen to me carefully, from now onwards; I do not want to see you anywhere near that boy, because if I do, then you will see the beast side of me.”
But that warning did not deter her from going to meet john whenever she desired, and the news of her continuous meeting with him filtered into her father’s ears, the king was completely bitter, but instead of the king scolding his daughter this time, he resorted to sending a warning message to John and his family.
“John, I have told you to be careful of that girl, and you told me that she only come to listen to you sing, then why is her father sending a warning message to us?”
John lacked words to defend himself.
“I am sorry mother, but it’s not me who is inviting her.”
“Why must you even have any thing to do with her by the way, don’t you know how to cut your coat according to your size?”
“Honestly it is the princess who forced me into the whole thing, she comes around me with out my invitation.”
“I won’t say much to you, but if you like, keep playing with your life, it’s your business and not mine.” She said and went away at once.
For some days he did not go to his singing place, and that troubled the princess a lot, but she kept going there most of the time to see if she will see him, but it was all to no avail, and she can’t go to his house.
Within these days that she did not see John, her father had had another talk with her as regards her marriage arrangement with princes James.
“I have received another words from king Omoni, Prince James father, he said that he wants to come and perform the marriage rites for his son, and he wants to hear from us , so what are you saying?”
She hesitated intentionally.
“I have told you the truth before but you won’t listen to me, but I will tell you again.”
“Go ahead, I am listening.”
“I don’t want to get married to Prince James anymore, I don’t love him anymore……… I can’t marry him.”
Those words of hers broke her father’s heart the more.
“And it’s all because of that guitar boy, right?”
“Not about him.”
“Then about who?” his voice went high.
“Nobody, father.”
He eyed her for long, then nodded his head and walked away with no more utter.
The following day, John decided to go and sing for his own delight at his usual joint, he had spent about thirty minutes when the princess came around.
“Were have you been all these while?” She started at once, seated beside him.
“I have been at home.”
“Doing what then?”
“I have been sick.” he lied
“And you did not care to send a word to me to inform me that you are sick.”
“I am sorry for that, but I had no means to do that, but am sorry any way.”
“No problem.” She said hesitantly.
She got up to sit on another position.
“I have really missed you.” she continued
“Me too.” he said casually
“I had thought that you deliberately decided to stay away from me.”
“Not at all.” he smiled faintly.
A moment silence passed.
“But John, you look like something is bothering you, what is it?” her eyes fixed on him.
“I am fine.” He smiled.
“No you are not, tell me the truth.” she urged him.
He was silent, contemplating whether to tell her about her father’s warning message, then he made up his mind suddenly and said;
“It’s your father.”
“What about him?” Her face changed.
“He sent a warning message to us, that he does not want to see me near you again, that if I do then he will order for my death with out delay.”
“When was that?”
“About six days ago.”
She was silent for a brief moment.
“Now you have told me the truth.” Her head nodding calmly.
“The truth about what?”
“Why you have stayed away from me all these while.”
“That’s not the reason, I told you about my sickness, and that is even the main the reason.”
She decided to overlook that argument.
“Well, you are not the only one that he warned, me too, even on many occasions.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course.”
“Then we must stop being together.” he said naively
“Why?”
“For our own good, more especially me.”
“Nothing will happen to you or me.” She assured him.
“I don’t think so?”
“I am assuring you that nothing will happen, and you must believe my talk, the only thing is that we must be careful, and I will not be coming around often.”
That sounded better to him, but he said nothing to that.
Fe weeks later, Jane’s father still got another message from his spying guard, that Jane and John still sees each other, and that boiled the king’s heart with plenty of anger and filled his mind with evil thoughts.
He quickly summoned Princess Jane.
“So you have decided that you will never obey my orders again, and for that, you will not go out of this place again, except I approve of that.” he decreed
“But ………”
“Shut up!” her mother, the queen, snapped at her, “How can you be seeing that pauper, even after me and your father had warned you severally? Why must you condescend to such a dirty love? Have you forgotten easily that you are from the royal house? Be wise my daughter, be wise at least for once.”
“Don’t mind that foolish daughter…….I know exactly what to do to you and that foolish boy.” he said and exited.
A brief silence.
“Listen to me Jane, I am your mother and I can not deceive you, honestly, your behavior lately have become foolish and unlike of what you used to be,” she paused, “how many times have I talked to you about you and that guitar boy, but I don’t know why your ears will not hear my words and dwell with it.”
Jane said nothing to that, only looking to another direction.
“You must change and be the good girl I gave birth to years ago.”
To that, Jane laughed within herself, but still said nothing.
Few days later, Jane got the sad news that John was dead; that he was found dead in one corner in the bush, and it was suspected that he was strangled to death by an unknown person. And within herself, she had quickly concluded that her father was responsible for John’s death.
For many days and nights, she had remained in her room crying and weeping, often refusing to eat anything, and whenever her mother will ask her of the cause of her every moment crying, then she will tell her that it is because her father will not allow her to go out to see her friends, which always sounded so true to her mother, and she will often say to her; “I am talking to your father about it, he will soon change his mind, be patient.”
And finally when she was permitted to go out at her will, she went to find out if John is dead actually, and it was true after all, that night she had committed suicide in her room.
Which at day break, when her body was found dangling on a rope that was tied to the ceiling fan by one of their maid, who then quickly alerted her parents. Jane was quickly brought down by some of the guards. Then on top of her bed, her father found a piece of write up which read thus:
Father,
I know you have killed John because you think that he was the one distracting me from getting married to prince James, not at all, you thought wrong and you acted wrong too. Now you have killed that innocent boy, and now I have decided to kill myself for his sake. Now you can go ahead and get married to Prince James yourself.
Princess Jane.
His wife came closer and read into the paper too, and after a while she looked into the king’s face and asked;
“Is that true?”
He couldn’t say anything, but only trying to control his raging emotions.
“Talk to me, is it true that you killed that poor boy?”
He looked at her, tears already clouding his eyes, and then he walked away. The queen sat on the bed edge, crying inconsolably, looking at the corpse of Jane that lay bare on the bed. Then she mumbled to herself, miserably; “you should not have killed that poor boy, now our only child is dead, what is the gain after all, nothing.” She remained in that room all alone for long, crying until all the tears in her eyes ran dry.

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maxwell @maxwell

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  9 Responses to “Destroyed Motive 3”

  1. I hope I say this without sounding harsh or hurtful.

    This write up needs a “truckload” of work.

    1) Firstly, from your first paragraph to last, the grammatical errors are serious! I want to believe you were either in a rush when you wrote this or its your first draft and you didn’t have time to edit it.
    For example in your 1st paragraph:

    John and Jane kept meeting at his singing point, and they often had kisses which Jane (“had often” again) initiated, (fullstop instead) but unknown to her, Jane, that her father have started to spy on her activities through one of his most trusted guard, to find out if any man is actually distracting her from her potential marriage to prince James. (In fact, this whole paragraph is just wrong!)

    Check out my version:
    Jane kept meeting john at his singing spot, and they often had kisses which she initiated. However, unknown to her, her father had placed one of his most trusted guard to spy on her activities and find out the man distracting her from marrying prince James. (Less words, well connected sentences and smoother flow or don’t you think so?)

    And this errors run through your piece like flowing water. More examples:

    The king quickly adjusted himself on his throne, and fixed his look (gaze) on the guard.(Beside he doesn’t need to fix his gaze on him. Can you natural be talking to someone by a serious issue and not look at them)

    A moment (of) silence passed.

    2) Your story is too predictable. We all know its going to be a battle of love with the princess fighting to stay with john. Like a thousand home videos have this type of story. And since we can predict the end, we are sure to lose interest quickly.

    Truly this piece needs too much rework. My advice is you pick up some writing tutorials, try to improve your grammar and read up on creating suspense and building the flow of a story before you attempt writing any further on this.

    I know how I might sound but am also learning too and only trying to help. Am sure any other good writers around would agree with me on this.

  2. I hope I say this without sounding harsh or hurtful.

    This write up needs a “truckload” of work.

    1) Firstly, from your first paragraph to last, the grammatical errors are serious! I want to believe you were either in a rush when you wrote this or its your first draft and you didn’t have time to edit it.
    For example in your 1st paragraph:

    John and Jane kept meeting at his singing point, and they often had kisses which Jane (“had often” again) initiated, (fullstop instead) but unknown to her, Jane, that her father have started to spy on her activities through one of his most trusted guard, to find out if any man is actually distracting her from her potential marriage to prince James. (In fact, this whole paragraph is just wrong!)

    Check out my version:
    Jane kept meeting john at his singing spot, and they often had kisses which she initiated. However, unknown to her, her father had placed one of his most trusted guard to spy on her activities and find out the man distracting her from marrying prince James. (Less words, well connected sentences and smoother flow or don’t you think so?)

    And this errors run through your piece like flowing water. More examples:

    The king quickly adjusted himself on his throne, and fixed his look (gaze) on the guard.(Beside he doesn’t need to fix his gaze on him. Can you natural be talking to someone by a serious issue and not look at them)

    A moment (of) silence passed.

    2) Your story is too predictable. We all know its going to be a battle of love with the princess fighting to stay with john. Like a thousand home videos have this type of story. And since we can predict the end, we are sure to lose interest quickly.

    3) A well writing piece shows good use of paragraphing and spacing so that the work doesn’t look congested (like your looks now) and also become easier to read.

    Truly this piece needs too much rework. My advice is you pick up some writing tutorials, try to improve your grammar, read up on creating suspense and building the flow of a story before you attempt writing any further on this. Or better still sit down, look around you and pick out a much creative story to tell.

    I know how I might sound but am also learning too and only trying to help. Am sure any other good writers around would agree with me on this.

  3. Such tears never, ever dry. You have a good concept but being a well known tale ala Romeo Juliet etc , you needed to evoke a twist somehow. However I must commend your tenacity and commitment those are qualities of stardom. Thank you for sharing.

  4. I think Meshybizzo has said it all. And he surely means good. Take his advices. Sunshine also offered a very good cue here, a twist would have served better. All the best.

  5. Too many grammatical errors. This did not work for me I’m afraid

  6. bros just follow the advice given above- you have a great story but it needs to be worked on to bring out its beauty.

  7. i understand, but talking about editing, am not too good in that. and talking about the nature of the story, cant some one just write the way he feels like?

  8. @maxwell. ..Sure, one should write as he feels…But since someone else would have to read and hopefully enjoy your work, it’s better to have your work packaged neatly. This would help the reader understand where you are coming from. Plus, the satisfaction you get when your work is commended is unrivaled.

    Just heed the advice given, we are all here to learn. Welldone…$ß.

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