She shut her eyes as the sun stretched its arms above her.
“I’m so glad we took this trip, Mabel”
“Mabel?” she opened one eye by a sliver but her aunt was gone. She sat up and just as she was about to get up and search for her, a being eclipsed the sun on her behalf.
Frowning she looked up at the being.
‘Bad idea’ her brain quickly warned
From his toes, to his toned, muscled thighs, to his broad chest, Janet gulped in awe.
“Are you a life guard? Is Mabel okay?” she managed to croak.
“Mabel.”He chuckled, and it sounded like the taste of airy milk chocolate.
“The little old lady over there winking at you?” he licked his lips in a way that made Janet want to jump his bones, right there and then.
“Yea, she’s my aunt!”
“Come with me.”He took her in him arms before she could protest or reply
“Please put me down!“ her brain said, but her lips uttered a soft moan.
There was a warmth in his arms that made her want to stay there in all manner of ways and positions.
She hardly noticed that they had walked away from the crowd and were all alone in a secluded part of the beach.
He dropped her then and she felt a sense of loss.
“I dont even know your name!”
“You dont need to know my name!” he licked his lips again and Janet melted on the inside, right in her middle, a warm puddle stirred.
“so what, we just stand here and stare at each other?”
“Your problem is that you think too much. Sssh”
Her heart began a tap-tarap-tap-tap kind of rhythm as this stranger inched a little closer.
He tipped her chin up in his palm and right before he kissed her, he stared into her eyes with such intent that a fire like warmth coursed through Janet, creating a passionate need to be held.
His kiss was warm and sweet, like warm caramel, yet heady and intoxicating.
“You dont know this guy! What are you doing? Jay, you’re engaged!” Her brain tapped and wiggled around her skull.
Janet pulled back and shuddered.
“I’m so sorry, I dont know what that was.”
He chuckled and pulled her closer and kissed her again.
Warning bells jingled and jangled in her head but the passion burning inside her pushed them all to silence.
“Does he feel like I think he does?”
Janet traced his arms with her hand and a moan escaped her throat.
“Damn! Why do you have to be so foine!”
Her shirt was on the beach, his shirt was on the beach. The water, pulled and pushed around their feet, the saltiness inflaming their passion.
His arms pulled her closer and his kiss drowned her in a drunken passion.
“You’re engaged! You’re engaged! Stop now!”
Janet sighed, “Just a little more, please” nibbling on his lips and sliding her tongue into his mouth.
Mustering some courage she slipped her hands into his pants and gasped.
“Stop now! You’re engaged”
Janet’s eyes opened as must as Eve’s in the garden of Eden.
She looked him dead in the eye, as he playfully stroked her shoulder, right through the middle of her chest, past her navel and BINGO, the softest, musshiest, loveliest part of her being, warm, sweet, wet….
“Stop now! You’re engaged!”
*I never write stories like this, but I recently read a post by @queennola and decided! What the heck!
This reads like ??? an excerpt or something. Girl sees a guy in front of her and allows him kiss her in such a manner. It sounds ridiculous. Who is the guy? What gave him the guts to scoop a girl he saw on a beach into his arms and start kissing her. All this with her aunt on the same beach!
This does not work at all. I think you were in a hurry to write a love scene and didn’t really think the story through. That’s just my opinion of course.
Since you didnt realize…she’s only dreaming! Its just an engaged lady’s dream dream dream….
I had a feeling you were going to say it was a dream but you didn’t say so in the piece. I suppose I should presume this is an excerpt.
This is adulterated Mills & Boons….Mbok, you can do better…As @osakwe said…a man just came, picked her and started kissing just like that? What if you didn’t come back to explain that it was a dream…how would your reader have known?
This is chapter five of a not so good M and B novel. That it is a dream is no excuse to start a story from chapter 5.
I agree with Kaycee. Maybe this is a flashback…
@Mobola, your story was an Editor’s Pick so it’s not so bad. Keep writing!
Btw, what story did you read from ”qeennola”?
A Touch Of Spice Reloaded , hehe , interesting. lovely potrayal of a failed fight with temptation
this kind dream eh! lol
‘If It looks like a writing, then re-write it’ says an author whose name I can’t recollect. It’s a very nice idea but work harder at ur scenario.
Hmmm…You said it yourself. It’s an experiment. If you really want to keep writing stuff like this, I say go for it; you’ll get better with time….$ß.
@nicolebassey….Yeah, you would remember Touch of spice cos you were guilty of burning NS. Where’s phoenix dis days? Ur partner in steamy crimes…hehehe..
Choi! @sibbylwhyte na wa o! No be una want ‘steamy sex/love stories with safe sex’ dat time, if i recall you didn’t do too badly yourself
Am going to keep my judge because the @mobola says this is her first time writing this kind of story. but apart from that there are some things in piece that didnt just work at all. for example:
“Mabel?” she opened one eye
by a sliverbut her aunt was gone. She sat up and just as she was about to get up and search for her, a being eclipsed the sun on her behalf.“Are you a life guard? Is Mabel okay?” she
managed to croak(only frogs or crows croak. “speak” is probably appropriate).“Mabel.”He chuckled, and it sounded like the taste of airy milk chocolate. (his chuckle sounded like milk?)
And some others. Anyway, we all get better as we write. So keep writing!
@meshybizzo thanks! However my wordsings are very intentional, yup it is possible to croak as a human,I dont mean like ribbit ribbit butthat her throat is dry and her best attempt at a sound is a croak, and yessssss he sounded just like milk chocolate! Lol! If you love chocolates as much as I do, you’ll understand, how someone can sound like the taste of chocolate melting n your lips! I write in a very peculiar manner! But it’s awesome, writing in a different manner
lol.
Anyway, i never said humans can’t croak. but here’s what that word did to your write up.
A reader that doesn’t know the mean of croak first stops reading and starts to think “what is croaking and how does a person croak a sentence?” i mean u can croak maybe a word but a whole sentence (in fact two), come on . . .
secondly, it confuses the reader. most readers are use to or understand “said, spoke or asked” but “croaked”? not so much. and even for an inquisitive reader who picks up a dictionary, they might still wonder how a person croaks two questions and sound audible.
but if she had “managed to speak” then we quickly understand that either the guy made her shy or sacred.
Anyway, maybe am been too thorough. lol
and someone’s chuckle sounding like a taste? which was melting on his lips? Wow.
i don’t have a problem with your style of writing but with your choice of simile. No matter how one tries to imagine it, i cant hear someone laugh and think it sounds like the taste of food.
again maybe its just me.
Nice build up.
Hmmm…nice flow..u describe ur scenes well and no1 wldnt be drawn to the emotions described. I think ur build up shld hv bn better, even if it was a dream…it’s a bad read for an intellectual reader who wants more dn jst passion tales…