Seems to me that if I was to look in hope
Over my shoulders,
I should see something of you,
Even if darkly.
But years ago you set off from my life
You, of the fiery eyes and cropped hair
You of the slender fingers
And, if I must see you now
It is only with my eyes shut.
I have lost my hair, have buried grown sons.
You are alive-or dead, the years have rolled.
Did you give of yourself to many-as I did?
Did any remind you of me?
Did any surrender their reason to your fancies as totally as i?
I can no longer tremble before beauty,
My passions have cooled.
My heart too, now slow moving
Can no longer race at the whiff of a woman’s perfume.
Do I regret that I fell under the spell of your beauty?
Or grieve that your eyes had the power to transfix me?
Do I wish to reverse the motor of time?
Now, in the evening of my life- already dark and lonely
I wish not to reverse time- if I could
But merely that I may be allowed to take with me
To the other side
Along with my anxiety of what lies across,
My painful and intense memories of you.
@drzhivago why? Love, why??????????
@shai I wonder myself
@drzhivago you need check up?
hmm….memories eh
Whoa!!
This is really…something.
Well done.
@shai, you see? A poem is only good when it is clear and meaningful.
@kaycee so you say? I av told you before wah you need to do.
I could have written this… My story too
Ahhhhh! Sweetness! Shai, You Smoked this. W E L L D O N E!
Oops i meant @drzhivago X-|, i like your poem, it might need tweaking and a good editor’s touch, but it is beautiful and it is poetry and we, your fans like it. Not every poem has the clipped lines of shakespeare, Khalil Gibran wrote short story-like poems to international acclaim. Your poem is poetry and we enjoy it tremendously.
@nicolebassey I for say!
One more thing though Thomasmann, i dont think the title was as good as the poem, ( I hope i dont get shot for my critiques of Ns titles X-) ) Best wishes.
@nicolebassey maybe u could suggest
Suggested Titles : Pick or drop
1. Looking Behind Me
2.Looking Over My Shoulders
3.Seeing With My Eyes Shut.
4.The Years Roll By
5.Taking You With Me.
@nicolebassey I’ll take no 5 thank ya
You are welcome
. i also did a remix/re write , an amateur’s attempt at tweaking. Would you like to read and Tell me if you like it or not , what you like and what you dont?
@sunshine would be glad to.
Looking Behind Me
It seems that if I look
Over my shoulders
In hope,
I would see something
Of you,
Even if in shadows,
Years ago, you set off
From my life,
You of fiery eyes and
Cropped hair,
You of slender fingers
And full lips,
And if i must see you now
It is only with my eyes shut.
I have lost my hair,
Buried grown sons,
Done many things
I’d rather not speak of,
You are dead or alive,
The years have quickly rolled by
As quiet as a sigh.
Did you give yourself
To many as i did?
Did any remind you
Of me?
Did any surrender
Their reason to your fantasy
As totally as I?
I can no longer
Tremble before beauty,
My passions have cooled
My heart too,
Now slow-moving,
Cannot race
At the whiff of a
Woman’s perfume.
Do I regret that i fell
Under the spell
Of your beauty?
Or grieve that your eyes
Transfixed me?
Do I wish to reverse
The motor of time?
Now in the evening of my life
Already dark and lonely
I wish not to reverse time-
If i could,
But merely that I
Be allowed to take with me
-along with my anxiety
My painful, beautiful
Memory of you.
@sunshine. Ah this is so nice, I felt like crying. Turned into something new
Am So glad you like it, It was very hard because i type with my thumbs. No tears, a handsome honorarium ll do .
And you can notify me @nicolebassey .
, To see its true beauty, copy it to Word and use the centre alignment tab, awesome!
Memories of love…
Beautifully done bro…
The poem contained so many high points but at some points it was rather fluid, edging towards prose. Again, the lack of proper end punctuation took a lot from it from me. Then again, the beginning, middle and end of the poem were rather divorced.
In all, you did a great job.
@xikay thanks.
@xikay I’m essentially a prose man, even though I read poetry too, and am glad to realize that you found me out there. As regards the apparent lack of proper sequence and end of sentence punctuation, I can say that this was an early draft, I think i corrected that in my final copy
the key is to keep writing poetry… poetry will help your prose….
@xikay after you “divorced” the poem from the poet, you come add flavor….
wetin I do na @shaifamily! *wink*
I think the poem has a good story but for me I had some issues with it.
1) The starting line wasn’t well written. See my version below.
“Sometimes, I look over my shoulders in hope that I see something of you.
Even if darkly.”
(Lesser words and it reads smoothly)
2) The use of commas and fullstop.
3) The transition here wasn’t very smooth. Almost disjointed.
“But years ago you set off from my life
You, of the fiery eyes and cropped hair”
4) You are alive-or dead, the years have rolled. (Something seems missing here)
5) Did you give of (up) yourself to many-as I did?
6) My passions have cooled. (This doesn’t sound right. Probably,)
“my passion has gone cold” or maybe just change the words”
7) My heart too, now slow moving
Can no longer race at the whiff of a woman’s perfume.
(this also sounds off. Probably,)
“my heart, now weak,
hardly beats at the whiff of a woman’s perfume.”
Overall, the flow of the story isn’t well constructed. After every 3lines there seem to be a disconnection.
For example here:
Do I regret that I fell under the spell of your beauty?
Or grieve that your eyes had the power to transfix me?
Do I wish to reverse the motor of time?
(Disconnection here)
Now, in the evening of my life- already dark and lonely
(In stories, a paragraph has its own kind of ending which most times connect to the beginning of the next one)
This poem has a very good story. So you would do the readers so much favour by writing it better. I hope I was helpful and not too harsh in my critique cos I myself am still very much learning
@meshybizzo. I was very happy to read your views because they mirror some of the flaws I corrected in my own draft. The poem is really of four parts, representing seperations in time. Seems to me… Begins the first, I have lost my hair… Begins the second, I can no longer tremble…. Begins the third, now in the evenin of my life… Begins the forth. If u reread the poem in this way it’ll account for the change in time. As regards the punctuations, that is my error, in time, I’ll get used to punctuating poetry just as I can handle prose. Finally, as to the choice of words, that must be my prerogative, but I picked a thing or two from what u wrote. Once more, thank you very much.
I saw that division…after making my comment…like phases
Good. But just good.
Na wa for love o. This is a good poem.
@meshybizzo thanks for being generous.
@drzhivago great work. Struck at the nerves!
@ostar it’s why we are here
memories all the way- good piece
@drzhivago Heart felt, great piece!!