This is a tribute to a story by one of the beautiful ladies gracing here. She had written this fantastic story which had ‘ gripped’ my heart in ways I couldn’t imagine.
The title : I loved her…she loved another!
truly captures the essence of some relationships out there.
It is a sad story, but a beautiful one all the same.
So, I thought I would spin it out in a different way. A poetic way. I hope I did justice….
Be the judge.
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May 23, 2012 4.15 p.m
A shrill scream rents the midnight air
Heavy with the depth of pain weighed down in heavy sorrow
The cry of a dying heart in utter despair
Caused by a loss it fails to swallow.
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If only time could be borrowed
Just so words uttered foolishly could be recanted
If only I could make up for all the wrong bends followed
Go on a journey to reclaim that word which gnarled at the heart and left it so disjointed.
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If only I listened to the cries of the night birds
Singing of a love which already had gone sour
If only I had seen clearly the silent pledge
Telling me she indeed loved another.
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This love triangle shouldn’t have happened
If I had seen that which in the distant eyes sparkled;
Clearly I love her, but she loves another.
5.43 p.m
Merci!
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Comments
shaifamily @shaifamily
What do you know? I am what others will call me. But I answer only to what I call myself.
You want to find out more? Maybe, we need to find out together...there are ways if u catch my drift.
Hit me/ 08098181829
2796f571Go to shaifamily's profile, and read more of his/her posts.
Dragging my eyes from one side of the screen to another in the name of style.
Shai, if you write a poem in the usual line will some one beat you?
Sorry, I forgot to add…LOL.
@kaycee If to say na another person talk ds one, I for know wetin I go talk.
I like this poem. A fine take on the story afore written. But I have a few grouse, the first being with the second line of the first verse, ‘Heavy with the depth of pain weighed down in heavy sorrow.’ It sounds to mumbled and syntactically weak. So many adjectives that are contextually similar..,’heavy’, ‘depth’, ‘heavy’.
Then the use of the word ‘Gnarled’ in this line, ‘Go on a journey to reclaim that word which gnarled at the heart and left it so disjointed,’ doesn’t exactly gell with the resulting consequence ‘leaving the heart disjointed’. to Gnarl is to growl, and how can growling break the joints of the heart? Except you implied the word as an adjective, in which case the application here as a verb is wrong.
Nonetheless, I felt the pathos of it.
I agree with you, yet I disagree with u.
* The Depth/Heavy usage was with the intent of creating rhythm…not necessarily rhyme. But, rhythm. Read the line again and see.
* Gnarled is when something is bent out of shape….I fink. Growl? Not so sure abt that.
We can talk more about it.
Thank you though for reading and piecing together my work.
I appreciate you taking the time.
Merci!!!
Expressive piece of poetry but could ue more imagery, cheers
Ok.
Cool.
I can relate to this. Good.
thank you:-)
@shaifamily, What is the love triangle, exactly? Maybe I’m just horrible at understanding poems, but I don’t really understood what happened that was so sad. A told B that he loved her. and B told A that she loved C…so he didn’t listen to her…what happened then? (Poems are so not my strong suit
)
the story provides some background.
http://shaiguydotcom.wordpress.com/2012/08/01/all-over-baraquat-3-2/ discover with me….