Kill Me Before I Die*

Kill Me Before I Die*

If you don’t want to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, make sure you had slept on the right side of it the night before – the very right side.
Harold Benson

What is the worst thing that could happen to a man? Losing a mega contract? Getting ditched on the eve of your wedding? Being caught in the act?
I think the worst thing that could happen to a man is going to sleep, on the wrong side of the bed. Relax. Don’t get me wrong. Any of the above would pass. But to put things in perspective, if you go to bed with any of them in mind, you definitely would be going to sleep, on the wrong side of the bed. And when you wake up the next day – anything you do, touch or say would be a mess, because you definitely would be waking up on the wrong side of the bed as well.
I recently happened to find myself in that annoying spot – going to bed on the wrong side of it. The night in question was supposed to be a unique one. Sandra, a girl i had been wooing for some time had just got into town and i was determined to give her a treat. The treat – i gave her; i took her shopping; and then we went to the beach; we followed that up with having a walk before we finally rounded up the night at the movies. As i drove her home, we talked about stuffs. Well, she did most of the talking – she kept blushing about the movie we had just seen, the clothes and accessories i bought her earlier in the day, my nice heart, how handsome i still looked….blah blah blah. All the while, i waited patiently for her to get to the part where she would give me her decision on my proposal – was she ready to be my boo? She never did.
We got to her parents’ house, alighted from the car and i walked her to the gate. I was determined not to lose two things that same night – her decision and a good night kiss (at least for a job well done – the treat). So i placed one hand on the wall, using the other to stroke her hair.
“So you are not going to even give me a good night kiss?” I said, trying to act cool even though i was desperate for it.
She smiled and pulled my hand away from her hair.
“Dear, you know i…i can’t do that – atleast, not at this stage. I know we are getting too involved by the day, but i still need some time to figure out what we are getting ourselves into,” she said, looking at me with her dreary, innocent eyes.
The atmosphere was becoming tense and i needed to diffuse it.
“I know why you can’t kiss me,” I said.
Surprised, she asked “Why?”
I made for her ear and whispered, “Because your dad is a Pastor?”
She burst out laughing.
“Ah ah, no nah,” she said. “My dad is a Pastor quite alright and yes, he would kill me if he knew a boy brought me home – but no, he is not the reason i won’t kiss you….”
We both laughed at my joke and i kept teasing her – even begging her, hoping she would let her guards down. I really needed that kiss. The teasing and begging continued for another twenty minutes. I had got her in the position i wanted. Her back was against the gate as she faced me; my left hand was on the wall while my right hand continually made for her hair.
I was getting there. She was beginning to trip – even though she claimed she didn’t like what we were about doing. Our lips were getting closer. And then, i heard a clang at the gate as it swung open.
The silhouette of a big man occupied the gate entrance. Sandra immediately swung around.
“Dad?” she gasped.
An avalanche of ice immediately trickled down my spine and my legs started trembling terribly. I searched for composure but lo and behold, it was as far away from me as the heavens is from the earth. My mouth immediately grew dry as i searched for words; my heart pounded like it would tear out.
Then i heard the man bark, “Sandy, whether you kiss him or not is your problem! Just tell this…this…this son of man to get his hands off my intercom! We all have been listening to you two in the parlour! My pastors, elders, deacons, ushers, choristers…everyone! Fulfil your immoral act and make your presence available!”
Without saying a word to me, her dad slammed the gate and stormed away. I stood, deep-rooted to the ground, hoping it would just open and swallow me up. But how impossible – and stupid was my wish! Now, there was no chance I was going to get that kiss anymore and worse still, i may have put the girl i cared about in some deep shit. I knew i was going to bed on the wrong side of it – and i knew the next day would be hell.

*Fiction. Adapted from a joke.



35 thoughts on “Kill Me Before I Die*” by HaroldWrites (@harryble)

  1. Er…

    I don’t know what to make of this. The ending was too anti-climatic. The build up was intense and you kept us expecting the worst. However…it fell flat. For me at least.

    But your grasp of narration is good. You write well.

    Do guys really get that desperate for a kiss? Whoa.

    Nice.

    1. @Seun-Odukoya

      So you’ve never seen a situation where a guy is desperate for a kiss?
      You suppose know the wey guys dey think now…there’s that assumption that if they can get ‘the kiss’ then they are nearer to getting the lady hooked or getting laid…

      1. Lol…get laid? tha’s getting way too ahead buddy….He needs to get to 1st base first, then do all the bla…bla.. well u know…; Before the home runner.

        @seun…oh yeah! different levels for different dudes,lol

        1. @dottaraphels

          hahaha…you got me wrong there sis..
          What I meant was that every successful mission starts with the first step.
          A kiss being the first step before any other…

      2. @Afronuts

        I think that’s really ignorant. I mean – I don’t go around kissing ladies but what’s relationship between a kiss and a shag; except when taken in the same context?

        Guys sha… I think they need to up their game across board – their thinking, dressing, attitude, relating to ladies, goals, drive – even up to sex. Sheeeit. I listening to some guys I cringe and think ‘no wonder ladies badmouth us! If I was a lady and you were all I had to put up with, I’d turn lez!”

        Fortunately, there are still a couple of guys around worth their weight in gold. Like me for instance…

        1. Lolz. Na wa o! Manifesto!!!

        2. @Seun-Odukoya

          lol! I no you go use the opportunity market yourself…

          1. @Afronuts

            So glad I did not disappoint you. I mean – who can blow my freaking trumpet louder, better, clearer and more articulately than I can?!

            Yup. I thought so too.

            So…allow me jo!

            @shaifamily

            As in – just so you know; I’m running for president of ‘you-know-what’…

            Hehehehehehehehe! Le’egoo!!!!!

            1. Don’t mind anybody. At least I for one know you’re worth your weight of gold. I’m not flattering you.

  2. God save you say you acknowlegded that it was from a joke because I had actually read that joke before! Worse…I’ve seen an Ad where the same scenario was dramatised!

    But your writing style is refreshing…good descriptive style and build up on the situation.
    Nice story with a twisted ending.

    For me the ending was okay…it was a funny cliffhanger that leaves for the story to either continue or remain as it is.

  3. Twas engaging and I enjoyed it. Just take note that letter ‘I’ when standing alone should always be capitalized.

  4. Nice work. But you can still do better. Engaging writeup.

  5. Nice one, very funny. He dead already!

    Lighten up James Bond, Q and money will figure a way outta this one for ya!

  6. Lol. Why you come leave me high and dry, you this man eh. I was expecting some really rugged thriller and you come carry this joke wey I don see before… I don vex.

    Its cool sha. You are soo good at creating suspense. Well done.

  7. Yeah, nice handle of suspence.

  8. It was hilarious to me. Nice.

  9. Just something to clear up for you….

    “My mouth immediately *grew dry as i searched for words; my heart pounded like it would tear out.”

    Is dt grew or went?

  10. Loooool. Very funny. I like the ending.

    @Seun-Odukoya yes some guys get that desperate for a kiss. And while some guys fall short when it comes to how they act concerning sexual matters, some others fall short in some other areas like attention or maybe setting their priorities straight. The truth is that no one is perfect and your attitude maybe what someone is looking for. Some girls enjoy being begged to be kissed. #just saying.

    @Afronuts well maybe for guys its not just about getting laid. Some guys just think they should at least get a reward for their ‘treat’. For many guys once they take a girl out and ask for a kiss, its not about feelings or emotions. It is about their ego, they don’t want to be the fool.

    1. @lachicabonita

      True that…true dat! You’re absolutely right. That is usually the case most times.

  11. Loooool. Very funny. I like the ending.

    @Seun-Odukoya yes some guys get that desperate for a kiss. And while some guys fall short when it comes to how they act concerning sexual matters, some others fall short in some other areas like attention or maybe setting their priorities straight. The truth is that no one is perfect and your attitude maybe what someone is looking for. Some girls enjoy being begged to be kissed. #just saying.

    @Afronuts well maybe for guys its not just about getting laid. Some guys just think they should at least get a reward for their ‘treat’. For many guys once they take a girl out and ask for a kiss, its not about feelings or emotions. It is about their ego, they don’t want to be the fool

  12. Hehehehe.good read but just too anti climatic

  13. Saw the title, number of views and comments and thought; ‘this must be an awesome read’.

    To say the actual story was dissapointing is an understatement. The feeling I had was the kind one gets wen a text message comes into a phone and you read it, only to realize that you’ve come across it somewhere. You sigh or hiss before hitting delete…
    I don’t know about the suspense part cos all I kept seeing was ‘wrong side of the bed’…

    Well, you have written a story…Well done…$ß.

    1. @sibbylwhyte

      LOL! After all you said you still ended with ‘well done’?

      I suspect that one didn’t come from your heart!

    2. You must have read this from the wrong side of your bed
      @sibbylwhyte
      the story is good juo

      1. @afronuts…I say ‘well done’ to every writer because I know that putting pen to paper and stringing out coherent thoughts is not easy. Well done is a recognition of the fact that the person did something.

        @kaycee…U know every na. I was actually sitting on the wrong side of a bench…so I put down my thoughts the way they were without sugar-coating em’. This does not mean that the writer didn’t do a good job, it only means that it didn’t leave quite an impression on me because of the ‘deja-vu’ feeling…

        @harryble…Look, see the good comments on your posts. You even made people laugh. You did well adding flesh to the joke….Once again, well done.

  14. I loved the story and found it funny.
    The writing will benefit from a lot of editing like all the preamble before Sandy can be cut.
    Then she could not possibly be blushing about the film, maybe gushing.
    You said the eyes were dreary and innocent. It’s odd to describe a girl you are tripping over as having dreary eyes.
    You used a few cliches which does not go down well with editors these day e.g lo and behold, wrong side of the bed. If you must use them I think they are better used in a way they appear fresh.
    It didn’t stop me from smiling when I read the story.

  15. Funny story, but I have seen that last joke before. Well, the footnote is there I guess.

  16. I find this funny. Although, I am getting tired of this mono theme revolution taking place in NS. Even the new members are joining. Its all love and romance. But despite that, I enjoyed this one.

  17. Really awesome!

  18. @Harryble, I haven’t heard the joke before, so I found the ending hilarious.

    Too bad it’s not original, though – I might have dashed you points.

    1. Oh – I’d remove the excessive references to ‘wrong side of the bed’, since the side of the bed did not really matter in the end in the story.

  19. quite engaging and funny too, i like

  20. I too have not heard the joke before, so I found it very funny, even if anti-climaxing – there was just too much suspense build-up for the thing to end like that. And maybe you should have told us how hellish the next day was, going to bed on such a wrong side. Good narration. Well done.

  21. lwkmd. u for just kiss d girl since nah

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