Breaking Wind

“Oops! Sorry”. That was what my little five years old niece said when she let out an ear-piercing but thankfully non-smelly fart as she jumped up and down at my parents silver jubilee anniversary. Her mom (my sister) diced her up with her eyes while my parents and their old friends that came around giggled and life went on.

This really got me thinking since I was already sort of bored given all the old people I had to hang out with at the party. The next day, some sort of inspiration came to me and I was very crazed about finding out things about farts (senseless right?). That was my initial line of thinking when I found out I was really serious. Well, senseless or not, I found out things that were interesting, funny, crazy and just to set things straight from the beginning; gross too.

Now the first thing that got me interested was finding out that animals fart too. I’m talking about dogs, cats, cows, turtle, snake, rabbit etc and I couldn’t help imagining how our cousins (your cousins) the apes would fart. So, when next your pretty fur ball comes to rub itself against you and you get the crazy smell, exercise your foot, because I hear they smell bad.

Relating to farts, I have to say this: “Everyone does it”. I am not confessing that I fart but I know that you do, so does your pastor, newly wedded couples, Missy Elliot, 50 cents, soldiers singing the national anthem (but I bet they do it quietly), your president, Tuface, Paris Hilton (i read somewhere that she had her secretary leave several on Lilo’s voicemail), cobblers, Agbani and Agbani wannabes and all footballers whose name start with an “R”. They all do it. The only difference would be the name they call it.

There is the good old name “fart”, there is also polluting the air, or medical talk of passing gas. Some would prefer cutting the cheese or baking brownies or making air biscuits. There is also the innocent sounding “breaking wind” and the very popular “mess” (I wasn’t going to miss that one). Maybe you might have your own personal name for it. Think of it, give your fart a name, it might not be as ridiculous as you might think.

“Fart”, itself is said to be a vulgar word (but I know it sure beats having to use mess all the time) but it is still one of English oldest vocabulary. It was gotten from flatus which itself was derived from flatulence (the act of farting).

Changing gear into full science talk, flatulence is the expulsion of a mixture of gases through the rectum which are the by-products of digestion process in mammals and other animals. The mixture of gases is known as flatus and is brought about as a result of the same peristaltic processes which helps us to pass poop (explains why some farts are betraying). The noise itself is brought about as a result of the vibration of the anal sphincter and how closely tight the buttocks are (so watch out for super ikebe’s).

While my interest in fart and fart related issues came up because of my niece, so did the interest in the cause come up amidst scientist, but in their own case it was because of result of space flights and odysseys’. I guess those space guys, maybe Armstrong and co., were thinking of how they might fart and not have enough air to breathe to last them through out their voyage.

It might not be really much of a big deal to fart as long as its not a loud scary type and most importantly doesn’t smell much or if possible not at all, but no, some people just have to let out deadly ones, the type that makes one ask:” what died in here?” I even heard that the silent ones are the deadliest. The life threatening smell of some farts (because some of them are surely life threatening) are mostly caused by farts with high carbon dioxide, methane and nitrogen content and some other stuffs. This totally explains the deadly  results one would get if one eats beans & egg, then wash it down with coca cola (though I wonder why any sane person would want to try such).

I couldn’t help imaging how it would be like to have a spouse who is diabetic, thus having a spouse who has to eat a lot of protein with its heavy nitrogen content then top it off with kids who can’t live without a glass of juice or milk or a bottle of soft drink a day. At night it just might be a remaking of another horror flick and so you know, methane means; no farting when close to a naked flame.

As gross as it might be, farting is a normal body function and an important signal of bowel activity but when it is in excess, it shows irritable bowel syndrome (leaking nyash syndrome I would say). While it might not be any more embarrassing than a cough to old couples, it is totally different with younger people as some hold it and then release it when sleeping, making the Lauryn Hill remixes of “killing me softly with this mess….”

For some reasons, people look for farting remedies. They soak and boil their beans for close to eternity or even ferment it. Some go all the way to eat just rice, as it doesn’t produce much gas (definitely not a naija person), so it is easy to conclude that Chan and Li don’t fart much during their kung fu practices.

One other remarkable thing would be the excuses or responses people give or make when they fart in public or semi-public (as long as you are not alone, it’s public). I guess you are wondering why anyone would want to fart in public, but I must tell you, it sure happens and when it happens and the person is not able to position his/her self well to release the silent ones, you know like squinching the toes and maybe an eye or lifting one side of your buttocks off the seat, if the person were to be sitting; you might hear something like this:

Oops! My bad………………………………………………………………….……………………….pretty chic with her friends

Jeez! Was that me?……………………………………………………………………..some well dressed handsome dude

Shhh! Speak Lord, your servant is listening………….………………………..priest during confession or homily

Hahhahha…………………………………………………….……kids while playing and your mechanic under your car

Common don’t disgrace me………………………………………………………………………………………….my crazy uncle

Who did that?….…………………………………………………………………………………………….……..your elder brother

Ah! So heavenly……………………………………………………………………………………………………..your psycho friend

Wetin dey smell?……….………………………………………………………………………………………….fat woman in a bus

Having written so much, I thought I had satisfied my curiosity about farts. I had a lot to tell my friends and maybe find a way to convince them about starting up a fart band like Mr. Methane’s one man fart band. One of my friends told me a story about how he came back from classes one day to find the face of the guy next door covered with plaster and stitches. When he asked the injured neighbour what happened, he refused to tell, but his roommate was willing to share. This is what he said:

“I don tok am since, this yeye boy don dey try me. Imagine, as im dey so, he don dey mess since yesterday night. He no mind say I dey sleep for down bunk. The bunk dey shake as im dey release, but I no tok as I feel say na sleep im dey, but this morning he continue to dey mess and e be say na only two of us wey dey room. I warn am, warn am tire. He just dey laugh, dey ask me say abi person no go mess again? Now as if say that one no do am, he come take im time go cook beans for afternoon chop plus on top im messing condition. Na so, so mess im dey mess for evening, I just manage dey hold myself.

Now the one wey finish me na for night. He enter room for around that kind …to ten wen everybody dey sleep, only me dey awake as I dey read for test. He come release the first one…prraaaahh! I no tok anything, he release again, I just quiet even though e dey pain me, I just wan mind my book but the mumu just waka come my front, come release one kind long one eh! E long pass Jackrobinson. I catch am eh! Put im neck for my armpit, come turn am, n aim I blow am well, well for im belle so everything go rearrange. He just dey beg but I no even hear am. I blow am for nyash sef so he go fit control how he dey take dey mess. Na only God save am”

I laughed myself to sleep after praying for a fart free dream.

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