LOOKING FOR AN OKADA
“Oga how much? Oga na N200”.
“Just from here to Kofo? Oga how far now? Na N100 I go pay”
“Oga , no way. Na N150 last. Dem dey catch okada for Ozumba. Na Adeola Odeku I go pass”
“Oga take N100”
Okada drives off, slowly…
“Oya. Oga wait. I go pay d money. I beg drive soffery”
“No wahala” was the response followed by the strong smell of palm-wine in his breath.
ON THE OKADA
Me to myself: “I had no choice; I couldn’t continue waiting at this time of the night for another bus. That naked mad man holding his winky sitting over there didn’t look extra friendly. He might decide he wants to touch my clothes”
Okada man to himself: “oh boy, after I drop this man, I go buy palmwine from Nwanchukwu …..”
Me to myself: “which sort of okada is this? There is almost no where for me to put my leg on. God I hope to I get there in one piece”
Okada man to himself: “Dat Nwachukwu sef. Him papa. Why that guy no want give person jara. Na from that girl I go buy from next. Precious. The problem be say Precious own no de catch person sef. But e be like say she like prick. Okon give am sef…”
Me to myself: “There is no substitute for this madness. See how he rides, doesn’t this guy understand brakes. Gosh man! I hope this guy doesn’t get to hit anything. This is preposterous. God I hate my boss. Always putting me under unnecessary pressure. This country is too hectic. Next time, late or no late, I will use my car”
Okada man to himself: “Oh boy that girl must sabi do. See her yansh. That one shacks go finish man. I fit give am belle sef”
He smiles to himself.
“Okada, se you hold change”
“Oga how much?”
“Oga I no get change oh!”
Okada man to himself “E good say I don hide all my change. All these aje butter boys. Im no go wan drag change with me. That N1,000. I fit get room for Gordon side, Precious, your orobo go precious today…”
Me to myself: “No way I am giving this drunkard more than the N150 we agreed for. Does he know how hard I worked to get this money? This country is filled with quacks, who all they know how to do is ask and ask and ask”
“WE NEED CHANGE OH”
“Oga, park for there, under that tree”
“Oga, my money”
“Oga, Na only N1,000, I get, I no get change oh”
“Oga, you go forget the change oh! I dey run, you wan spoil my business. Abi, you wan give me the money make I go find change?”
“No way. You sabi person for here? Na my area be this. Make I ask person for change”
“Oga security. I beg you get change? I suppose pay this okada man N150 and na N1000 I get”
Security man to himself: “Idiot. Na when im need person, he go remember. Since I join this office e never give me nothing. He go dem waka dey go like say na im papa work. God go punish am. Make I give am N650. E fit kuruma forget balance, give me”
“Oga, na only N650 I get oh. You go take?”
“No worry. Thank you”
Me to myself: “Obviously an undercutting ploy. Boy I can smell you from a mile. I see the way you look at me from a distance, giving me your “I_go_ school_ too” look and try to speak good English, and at the same time messing up your tenses. Oga. Sorry, you_ just_ can’t_chop_me, sir. Not today”.
“I beg, oga DVD, you get change?”
“Oga, I no get”.
DVD man to himself “this boy wey no too dey buy DVD. Na only 3 DVD he don buy out of which he return one say e no clear. All these people sef. Chai. Dem no wan lose N1”.
“Oga, please give me money make I dey go now” groans the okada man.
THE END OF OUR RELATIONSHIP
“Oga mallam you get change”.
“Yes, I get”.
Mallam to himself: “When this man go buy this im instant coffee? Na im dey buy pass before? Before na nice guy. E no dey complain about the N5 I dey put on top.”
Mallam gives me the change.
“Oga e don tey when you come greet your boy. I get am for coffee, plenty plenty”
“Oga, na the diet wey I dey on. My doctor talk say make I no dey drink too much coffee”
Me to myself: “Rip off sucker. This thing goes for N25 in other places. I can get it for N20 if I buy in bulk. See your hungry head, selling it for N30”
“Oga that one good oh! Make you greet madam for me”
Mallam to himself: “which kind diet, with this kind big belle.Bros, I see when you dey buy digestive everyday from Goodies”
“Oga I wan dey go, I beg my money oh!”
I hand over the N150 to the okada rider. Put it in his pocket and drives away, bringing an end to our brief encounter/relationship.