Moderator: This is the transcript of a dialogue between ‘I’ and ‘Riley’. Note that it is not between “Me” and “I”, and the “I” here is not me…as in myself…and neither is it “Me” and as for Riley…wait, who is Riley? I think…Ehm! … Uhm! … in-short just read it already.
NB: I also said a few things, so should it still be called a dialogue?
Riley: What’s popping dogg?
I: Who is there?
Riley: Down here…
I: OH MY GOD!!
Riley: Easy dogg, haven’t you seen a dog talk before?
I: Off course not.
Riley: You didn’t have to answer me, is this not an example of what you humans call a rhetorical question?
I: Yeah! But…, but…
Riley: No butts…hehe! No butts… that’s cool, don’t I have a cool sense of humour…no butts. See, just know that you are privileged to see me and off course to hear me talk.
I: Yeah! I guess so…but how are you doing it?… I mean I have never seen you talk before, heck! I never even knew that dogs could talk…well except to Dr Doolittle.
Riley: Don’t you bring up that Doolittle stuff, its annoying already…I don’t have anything against Doolittle but to see him acting like he can talk to dogs, its so annoying…its okay if he were talking to a goddamned pussy, after all a pussy is a pussy…hehe! A pussy is a pussy…good line don’t you think?
Moderator: OH MY GOD…Is Riley really talking?
Riley: ‘Sup dogg?
Moderator: OH MY GOD…a dog called me a dogg.
Riley: Chill out dude…you are beginning to freak me out…So uhm! , about me talking…well uhmm! Dogs don’t talk much you see. You would never see a dog talk, not because we don’t want to but because you humans don’t deserve to see us talk…you get?
I: No, I don’t get…if dogs don’t talk, then why are you talking…why are you talking to me…are you really a dog?
Riley: Off course I am a dog. You really want me to give you the whole history-ish…Mehn! How much I hate history. Well, cutting everything short, dog and man where once best friends, we were always there for each other…no homo… and then women, your bitches came around and they started to brainwash you guys but then, if they had come alone, it wouldn’t have been so bad, but NO! They also had pussies…I mean cats… and then they did crazy stuff to man and so we lost our friendship…blah… blah…blah…
I: Is this story real?
Riley: It doesn’t matter, you wanted a reason and I am giving you one.
Riley: What is it again?
Moderator: Your voice! …Is it Vin Diesel or Morgan…you know, that huge black dude
Riley: Come on man!!!!
I: ….and so you guys stopped talking to us?
Riley: Yeah! We stopped…it was necessary; women had taken over your brains, you guys called them necessary evil…I never understood that one.
I: Off-course they are.
Riley: No they are not. You can definitely live without them. I know this sounds crazy coming from a dog, especially as we are all about getting all the humping we can get, to the extent that your female folks now use us as an SI unit for men who jump around, but I still maintain that you can live without them.
I: This is really happening…a dog telling me about relationships… wow!
Riley: You are really bursting my bubble you know…see don’t take this the wrong way…as in no homo intended…hehe! I said it again…Look, you are a good man and I love you…Now, I have said it…phew!
I: O boy!!
Riley: Since I am comfortable with you, I am free to talk with you without having any problem, but the only thing is that once I stop, I would not be able to talk for a while or maybe forever…don’t ask me why…that’s just how it works.
I: So I have been nice to you?
Riley: You know the dog next door keeps telling me you are daft, but I keep saying no, that was why I chased his masters kid the last time he came around…what a lovely scare I gave the kid…hehe!… Mehn! I had stomach cramps that night just laughing about it.
I: Dogs laugh?
Riley: Who doesn’t like a bit of fun?
I: So what have I been doing that is nice?
Riley: Everything…really everything. You wash me twice a month, which is enough. I know of some other dogs whose keepers get to wash them every two days and even brush their teeth…Mehn! That is so lame…why would anyone ever want to brush a dogs teeth? …Tell m, doesn’t it sound like a thing a sick person would do?…This world is really going crazy.
I: I don’t know…
Riley: …and what about chow? At least I get to eat twice or well if you are busy, once a day but it by far beats the Spiky brothers…you know, those dirty skanky dogs who have never had a real meal in lets say…four dog years, or is it Roofie?.…the dog that stays three houses down who has been stuffed with so much food, he finds it even tiring to yawn.
I: hmm! I see…
Riley: Yeah! Really, and most importantly when it comes to the bitches, you let me have my way. You see, it’s so unfortunate that some dogs have had their cojones…Mehn! I cant even say it, while some…they keep them just to get them to keep breeding the bitches…that ain’t right, its messing with nature…yeah it is…going about injecting them with all kind of things making them do so much work. You know the only problem I got whenever I am with a bitch is when people don’t respect my privacy; they would just keep looking…Mehn! I always hate that mischievous smile on their faces and the little kids…those runts…would be driving nails to the ground while I am at it…I don’t just know why.
Riley: It’s really annoying…like a dog can’t have some quiet, well not so quiet, but at least some time with his bitch.
Moderator: Its still unbelievable that I ‘m talking to you, but uhmm! Please I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t curse
Riley: Curse?…I did not curse.
Moderator: Yes you did…you have been saying b***h non stop.
Riley: You see; that’s one thing with you guys. You feel so on top of the world that you think you can manufacture meanings for words as you wish, stupid ones too…a bitch is a dog, a female dog, everyone knows that or should, and still some of you think its wrong to say bitch cos you have now made a curse out of it and you had better get that camera out of my face or I would smash it with my paws.
I: Common man, I am trying to have a conversation here.
Moderator: Sorry, my bad…I just got carried away.
Riley: Yeah, your bad…you know, you have just pissed me off. The next thing is that I would be having all these local paparazzi’s chasing me…well, I am out of here. I got to go take a dump…hehe! I like that…a dump…later bro’s.
Moderator: OH MY GOD!!
I: Yeah, that’s right, say it again…I bet we would talk some more when he is back…