Night Riders – Shit Happens

Wasiu stank.

The atmosphere surrounding him reeked of Indian hemp and the local gin popularly known as ogogoro.

Rasaq retched.

Fighting hard to stay put from letting loose his innards at his friend’s stench seemed to be harder work compared to what they were both about to do that night.

‘Must you always take that shit before we do anything?’

‘Shit ke? Rasaq be careful oh. Na my dietary supplements you dey call shit?’

Wasiu laughed, more in shock than in sarcasm.

‘So ‘shepe’ and ‘Igbo’ na supplement? See as your eye red; see as your belle be like calabash. Supplement ko, sufferment ni.’

‘Look here, mind your own business. And how you go call my source of inspiration shit? May you be the one to harvest shit!’

‘Try sticking to only beer like me and your life will never be the same. Abi you never hear say greatness comes from a bottle of Guinness?’

‘Abegi! make I hear word…’

The brief tirade between them was interrupted by the sight of three figures appearing some distance away.

They crouched lower behind the big roadside shrub where they had concealed themselves and the worn-out Suzuki motorbike they sat on. Wasiu rested his hands firmly on the handlebars in readiness. Rasaq positioned himself and balanced his weapon; a locally fabricated pistol which looked like a sawn-off dane gun.

A few meters away, they could make out three people standing at the bus stop; a woman with a baby strapped to her back and a couple who seemed more pre-occupied with themselves than waiting for a bus.

The street seemed almost deserted with very few cars passed by at intervals. The location was Ayanikoro neighborhood; a part of the city that was void of night life. Unlike other places like Ojota, Maryland and Yaba which remained effervescent at night, Ayanikoro already looked like a ghost town once the time struck about 8.30pm.

Wasiu and Rasaq had cashed in on this opportunity to embark on the mission of dispossessing unsuspecting residents who wandered out late at night of their valuables.

This seemed more promising than picking pockets at Ojuelegba where they had initially lived most of their lives eking out a living as touts for commercial buses, taxis and occasional odd jobs. Both were secondary school dropouts. Rasaq was more educated of the two as he had made it to his fourth year before he got rusticated for two years of faking payment receipts for his school fees. Wasiu had said bye bye to education since J.S.S 3 when he was expelled for stabbing a male senior with a table knife and setting up a female senior to be gang-raped by juniors.

While Rasaq was the offspring of a prostitute who had gotten pregnant when the condom of one of her unknown customers broke, Wasiu was just an orphan who had lost his mum in an okada accident and watched his drunkard father end his life after getting involved in some stupid and senseless community riot.

Both had since then lived a life of hustling on the streets, had gotten tired of doing the same of the same and wanted to try something different and more ‘lucrative’.

That was when Dimeji came into the picture.

Dimeji showed them the ropes of the business and the risks involved. He had been into all kinds of ‘ventures’ and this was one of them. He was the ultimate mentor and had been on ground to give advice until he recently fell into the hands of some female ritualist who cut off his testicles. Ever since then he disappeared from circulation. Rumours had it that he might have emigrated to Coutonou.

A nearby gutter seemed to come to life as a choir of toads began croaking up a cacophonous symphony startling them both.

They composed themselves and scanned their targets taking in the details.

The woman with the baby was carrying a black polythene bag which seemed to hold something promising. She was in a blouse, a pair of slacks and scarf. She had no hand bag.

The couple also had something to offer. He was holding a blackberry while she carried a handbag.

Rasaq tapped Wasiu on the shoulder and he started the motorbike.

Slowly they rode in the darkness, headlamps off, keeping away from lights and main view.

They were just two blocks away when the man with the blackberry spotted them. Wasiu’s hand turned with urgency on the handlebar and the motorbike gathered speed.

But before they got there the man had grabbed his woman by the hand and they had taken off through the gates of a nearby estate. The lady with the baby oblivious of what was happening still stood at the bus stop. She was just turning round to see what the confusion was behind her when Wasiu and Rasaq rode up to where she stood.

As they sped past, Rasaq stretched out his hand and snatched the polythene bag from her hand.

The woman, slightly unbalanced by the sudden incident still stood there recovering from shock of being robbed.

Then she realized it was only the polythene bag that had been snatched from her. She looked in the direction of the fleeing thieves.

She chuckled…then roared with laughter.

In the fleeing distance, Wasiu and Rasaq heard it.

‘Why she dey laugh?’ Wasiu asked surprised at her reaction. Though they had made a clean getaway, it unnerved him.

‘Me too I dey wonder…no be cry she suppose dey cry?’ Rasaq replied turning about, his eyes darting to and fro, checking to be sure they were not followed.

‘Wasiu eventually screeched the bike to a halt after they had gone far enough.

‘I no like how that woman dey take laugh. Abi she be winch?’

Rasaq just shrugged and opened the polythene bag. He put his hand inside to shuffle the contents. Suddenly he gasped, his face twisted in disgust.

‘Wetin?’ Wasiu asked as he caught the expression.

Rasaq said nothing but just seethed like he was about to go into a fit.

Wasiu snatched the bag from him and peered at its contents.

His jaw dropped and he cursed.

Lying stacked together in the bag were five smelly used baby diapers.

 

 

*Based on a true story



45 thoughts on “Night Riders – Shit Happens” by Afronuts (@Afronuts)

  1. Good one.
    Kinda funny too.

  2. Afronuts.

    I suspect this was inspired by that popular joke.

    But it does not matter. What does; however, is the telling.

    Well done.

    1. @Seun-Odukoya …Really? There’s a popular joke about this? Abeg gist me…I never hear am before.

      1. Really?! Surprised you haven’t heard it.

        Several thieves snatch a bag filled with – and the first one, shoving his hand impatiently inside discovers its crap…and passes the bag around, making sure everybody grabbed their fair share of ‘shit’.

        1. @Seun-Odukoya….Bwahahahahahaha!!!

          Seriously…I never heard that before! And as a matter of fact this story was based on an actual occurrence!

  3. This is funny and exhilirating

    1. Glad to have exhilirated you.

  4. Very funny indeed. Vivid descriptions narrated at a sedate pace. I enjoyed every word of this story. good work

    1. Thanks. Good to know I achieved the pace.

  5. Hahahahaha!!..I could not help laughing like the woman…Kai!! see thieves in action..For their minds ehn?..Your descriptions are always vivid..
    AfroNUTS!!…Well done

    1. @sibbylwhyte lol…thank God I no disappoint you…you know you’ve been pestering me to finish this story.

      1. AfroNuts…I did pester you o but ah no be pest..hehehe…Well done again for the comic relief..

        1. Oh?

          Una be family?!

          1. @Seun..considering the fact that U are my uncle, U are part of the family..hehe..

            1. Hm.

              All of you do this.

              Oh well. I’ve been adopted.

          2. @Seun-Odukoya lol…you and dis youir dangerous poke-nosing…

            1. ‘Poke-nosing’….?

              Heh. Okay o.

              Let’s see who goes Pinocchio first.

        2. @sibbylwhyte …of course you’re rather a positive pest…not the negative type. And I appreciate it because it put me on my toes and made me keep thinking…’somebody is waiting to read that stuff, finish it!’

  6. Hahahahahahahah. Af ro nuts. You ehn. Lol. I actually laughed o. Like I laughed out really loud and looooong. I wish it was manure sef. Concentrated cow dung.

    You too much my guy. Collect five jare.

    1. @gooseberry …LMAO! manure and cow dung ke? You wicked oh!
      I hope people no look you for face when you laugh sha…

      Thanks a bunsh….the five wey you say make I collect…na points or handshake?

      1. Hehehehehehheeh. Na high five o. Hand shake

  7. Interesting. You made me laugh but not loudly.

    1. lol..I feel you…what would the others in the office think if you guffawed?

  8. Oga afronuts u try o….@ AFronut,u abi thiS thing wella! but ur sentence dat talks abt ‘with cars passed….’pls expatiate o.u b model o,i dat d correct grammar?make i no go write am for exam o.

    1. @sambright Na error my broda. When I read thru I noticed too but you know na…when NS don post am you no go fit edit again.

  9. Lol. This was funny. But don’t think ruffians like that who grew up on the streets would be talking about ‘dietary supplements’… just my thought.

    1. @Gboyega Otolorinlol I thought that through…trust me, dem dey…you’ll be shocked. Then also notice that Rasaq spoke better english than Wasiu.
      And did it ever occur to you that ‘dietary supplements’ may be a misnomer and wrong usage due to Wasiu’s ignorance?

      And them read secondary school small…dem level pass primary school drop out…

  10. Lol! Thieves stealing used diapers. That’s the worst adventure in their career, but then they’ve learnt their lesson; never to steal again from a woman carrying a baby.
    The characters were described vividly, the pacing ok. Well done!

    1. Thanksie! Especially for noticing the pacing…wanted to be sure I got that. LOL@ worst adventure in their career.

  11. Hehe… Thieves and their daily frustration in the trade. Much hilarious tale. I remember when one pick pocket guy grabbed the used recharge card papers in my back pocket with some jotting sheets and made away in a fast run thinking he’d gotten his fist filled with naira notes.

    1. LOL! Abeg @Dowell Oba …stop am…you’re giving me story ideas again with that memory you just recounted.

  12. hehehehehe….the lady had better gerrout of there before the vagabonds get vengeful.nice read.

    1. lol…e no go fit happen…see me yapping as if it just happened

  13. @Afronuts, I enjoyed this very much – not so much the ending, which I kind of guessed, but the telling, especially the characterisation of the two MCs, and their banter. Very realistic.

    Please accept 20 points. (You people want to bankrupt me!)

    1. Indeedy.

      As though such a thing was possible. Hah.

    2. Haa! Emi ni kan tan??? @Tola Odejayi I am stupefied! Thank you oh…from the bottom of my belle I hail oh!

      No worry…you no go bankrupt…wetin you sow you must to reap…can I get an amen somborri?

  14. I’m still laughing though. Good one.

    1. I hope the laffter didnt make you pee your pants…lol

  15. Very funny Afronuts….now I know the meaning of your name….you are simply nuts!

    1. @enoquin…and you are simply quin!…Okay…now what on earth does that mean? Don’t mind me…I’m just looking for a way to say something funny with your name…apparently e no work.

      Thanks for the notice…you seem to be understanding why I use that name…smart lady!

  16. Really enjoyed reading this. Good work Afronuts…
    Just wish posts can be edited after they are published…
    I noticed you mean “speed” not sped in line “48”

    Bravo…

  17. Thanks @greatness4life …especially for the notice. I saw the errors too but it was too late to do anything.

  18. beautifully funny

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