Hey guys, so after incorporating most of your comments and taking others into consideration, I went ahead and sent it to an editor to clean it and trim it of the excess fat. I only received a week ago and have been working on it. I suddenly thought of writing a query and after much tinkering and deleting, I came up with what is below. Please can I know what you guys think, what works and doesn’t before I send it off to a literary agent. Please thanks.
QUERY BEGINS HERE!!!!!
Mr. Peterson never gave Frederick details about his African background, tradition and beliefs simply because he was afraid that his son might get involved in dark magic and become bewitched, and it usually made him angry and disappointed whenever Frederick was more interested in hearing his best friend, Nwakaego, a superstitious African girl, tell him stories about Africa, instead of playing football and riding bikes like other normal kids his age do.
If only he had, Frederick would have learnt a few things like:
- Singing at night brings evil spirits into the house.
- Anything thing that can think, behave and talk like a human with no physical evidence that it owns a brain is not trustworthy.
Instead Frederick has to learn things the worst way when a spirit girl called Ify offering to help him learn how to play football and a lot of things to gain his father’s like appears to him, on the condition that he would let her possess him for a little while.
Andrew agrees, but not long after his grandmother Ofoduli, arrives from Africa.
With Nwakaego already suspicious, and with Grandma Ofoduli giving out hints in the form of folktales and legends to destroy the spirit girl, Nwakaego would have to find a way to trap the spirit before she takes over Frederick’s body completely, but not before Ify finds out what she’s up to, and kills her first.
With Frederick discovering moments of his life missing, and with Nwakaego’s disappearance causing a lot of despair within the family, Frederick would have to come clean and tell Grandma Ofoduli everything so she can help expel Ify before it is too late, which leads Frederick to learn one last crucial lesson.
When you’re in serious trouble, grandparents understand you much better than your actual parents do.
The other child is a 49,000 word multicultural fantasy book for middle grade readers with crossover potential for young adults and even older men and women of twenty to thirty something years.
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Ol'snetwork @jacobolisajones
I love to write. When I hear about books that I can't get to on time, I write a novel while I wait. I also make youtube videos in the hopes that at the right moment i can use it as a platform to sell my books. https://www.youtube.com/user/olsnetworkGo to Ol'snetwork's profile, and read more of his/her posts.
I don’t understand o. Is this the book? or a query, or…what?
But @kaycee, it is clearly stated in the title and intro that this is the query letter. So if you see this on the back of a book, will you be tempted to pick it up to read and/or buy?
@myne, so that’s what they call it?
Didn’t know. Query letter in my office means you ά̲̣яε about to be fired.
Regarding the book, the query didn’t make the book look interesting at all.
and it’s the hardest part of the writing process, harder than writing the novel itself, cos I have to distil about a couple of tens of thousand words into at least 100 to 250 words, and it has to be glowing, and captivating.
On another note, at least you’ve learnt a new writing term, lmao. Happy new year to you.
First of all, this query is kinda too long. It’s best to keep it within the 250 word margin, so you don’t rumble. Also, “Mr. Peterson never gave Frederick details about his African background, tradition and beliefs simply because he was afraid that his son might get involved in dark magic and become bewitched, and it usually made him angry and disappointed whenever Frederick was more interested in hearing his best friend, Nwakaego, a superstitious African girl, tell him stories about Africa, instead of playing football and riding bikes like other normal kids his age do.” ?????? Are you kidding me? Long sentence! to begin with. Then, itz unclear. A agent is likely to summarize ur writing abilities based on this alone, and is not likely to be a positive response. Why, cos they don’t want the excess work of editing 4 me when they could get writers who need little edit. Look at it this way. They’re millions of writers (thousands, more like, but lets go with millions here to scare you into action) querying the same agents. Therefore, s/he isn’t going to have much tolerance for such simple writing don’t.
Final word, don’t be in a hurry to send off queries. I made that mistake and got NOs when i might have gotten a yes if i had worked on my piece a little more. Take your time. Polish ur writing, ur query letter, and above all, study on how to write a good one.
Best of luck
Take the advice from Ugo Chime. From her observation, you could benefit something.
I will, this is just a tester and a first draft. I sent this to a handful of agents to know the kind of response.
Also, at 49,000 word count, that’s practically a novella. There aren’t that many agents marketing novellas. Aim for 85,000 word count.
It’s Middle grade, so 49,000 words will fly with any agent interested in MG novels. Thanks for reading, ur comment is highly appreciated.
what’s middle grade? i don’t know abt it. pls, tell me more
middle grade is like for primary school children.
I’m sorry, maybe I’m very writing-process ignorant or behind the times, but what’s a query?? Is it like a blurb for a book or a summary of a manuscript for an editor or what?
This isn’t a letter, not to talk of a query.
A query letter should introduce U and Ur work. Ur name and residence(maybe) should be enough at the beginning.
Give a synopsis of Ur work. What U posted above is long story. Something short that will catch the eye. Highlight the interesting and conflict areas.
Haha. The first agent I sent this query asked for the manuscript in the next ten hours and two minutes. But a week or two later, he said he couldn’t connect with the African themes and stuff in the book. But I have taken all your advice into consideration, I will tweak it so that it can catch the interest of other agents. Thanks guys, I love you guys, my literary family…. I might end up self-publishing it sha.
Two things, @Jacobolisajones:
- You launch into talking about Mr. Peterson without any proper intro, when really, you should be using your first sentences to be introducing Frederick, the protagonist of the story;
- There are many unimportant details that you could do without, like “the few things that Frederick could have learnt”. As others have said, you need to write something that will catch a potential publisher’s eye immediately, and adding too much detail can dilute the ‘force’ of your query.
thank you Tola for your comment, will bring out a second draft, after incorporating all your comments.
I’ve tinkered it a bit. This is just an example o, u r not under any obligation to take my advice:
Dear Agent ABC,
If Mr. Peterson did not hide the details his African background, tradition and beliefs from his son, Frederick might have been playing football and riding bikes like other kids his age do. He wouldn’t be more interested in hearing his best friend, Nwakaego, a superstitious Nigerian girl, tell him stories about the Igbos and their culture; exactly the sort of dark magic that angers and disappoints Mr. Peterson.
Of all that Frederick thinks he has learnt from Nwakaego, he really knows very little. Like, he should not sing at night because it brings evil spirits into the house. It is only acceptable for stuffed animals to think, behave, and talk like humans is when they are on TV. If the spirit girl, Ify, offers to teach him how to play football in exchange of possessing him for minute, she plans never to leave. But, Frederick agrees, considering only that maybe just this once his father would like him.
It is left to Nwakaego, with the help of the spell-breaker Frederick’s grandmother, Ofoduli, weaves from Igbo folktales and legends, to expel the spirit girl before she takes over Frederick completely. They have to do this before Ify discovers what they are up to and attempts to kill Nwakaego.
The other child is a 49,000 word multicultural fantasy book for middle grade readers with crossover potential for young adults.
(This is the part you introduce yourself, and your writing credentials)
Sincerely,
Your name.
Are you serious, Ugo Chime, u actually took time out to do this for me. Thank you, no lies, but I think I like yours better, and would work on it from here. i will upload it to my blog, and get feedbacks.
My best lines…
1. OF ALL THAT FREDERICK THINKS HE HAS LEARNT FROM NWAKAEGO, HE KNOWS VERY LITTLE.
2.CONSIDERING ONLY THAT MAYBE JUST THIS ONCE HIS FATHER WOULD LIKE HIM.
If those crazy agents get to read the book, and can connect with it, hmm, i am already picturing my acknowledgment page, lol. Thank you Ugo, I really appreciate.
NO COMMENT!
It’s all been said. Congratulations.
Ugo Chime has pretty much helped you out on this one, I just came to wish you all the best, and be aware that it requires more than the publisher showing enthusiastic interest in your work for it to get published eventually, I am a witness so I can categorically tell you to expect anything, but hope for the best. Cheers!
Query letter? Okay o!