A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, son. That’s true dad, but it begins with a step in the right direction of the expected destination. Mr. Chidi smiled, as he interacted with his boy, he mused at the rapid growth of his son both in stature and wisdom. They continued in silence for sometime as Mr. Chidi drove Frank back to school for the second term of his first year in Salvation Secondary School. Frank longed to see his friends, however, his growing mind just couldn’t find the right words to adequately describe the past three weeks he spent with his dad, he stole a glance at his dad and smiled, there could never be another dad like this one he thought. Hey boy, remember you’re the best now and always, Frank smiled, his dad always said that to him whenever he was deep in thoughts.
Dad, yes son, how can one make a positive mark in this world? Frank asked. Mr. Chidi smiled as he looked at his son, that’s a deep question boy, for one, he began to answer, you must be ready to stand out from the crowd and identify the solution to the world’s problems, he told his son. However can one achieve that? Frank asked. Mr. Chidi paused as he noticed the roadblock after the bend; he stepped on the brakes immediately as the car screeched to a halt. Four men emerged from the bushes, one of them pointed a gun at Mr. Chidi and said in a very cold and stern voice, “don’t move, and step down from the car mister”…
The tears dropped from his eyes, as Frank stood addressing his fellow students, his lecturers and other distinguished guests, at his convocation, he was giving the speech as the best graduating student. He remembered the journey vividly; it was a journey that would never end. Frank watched his father take a bullet for him; he remembered his father’s last words as he fell to the ground, “son change the world”. He had always wondered how he could perform his father’s last wish, and now as if the heavens smiled on him, he finally knew how. If those robbers had a father like his father, they would never kill and steal to make a living, if the government lived up to its expectation, they probably would opt to earn a living, rather than end a life, if they had quality education, their minds would be focused on greater achievements, had government officials lived a life of integrity, dedication and selfless service, they would have been better motivated by positive examples.
The robbers were not totally to be blamed, because if the man he called father had not adopted him, as he learnt from the will and Uncle Ben, he too would probably have ended up like them. So he spoke aloud his decisions as he ended his speech: as the best graduating student from this institution, I, and I hope you too have decided to be the best parent in the world, teaching my children that they can make the world a better place by being better people, I’ve decided to seek the best for those that choose me as their leader, I decide to treat people primarily as human beings who need the best in life just like me, every other considerations secondary, I decide to give people the chance to be the best, as my father gave me, finally I decide to be at my best even in the worst situations, I hope you do too, let us change the world together, thanks.
There was resounding applause as Frank left the podium, knowing quite well that the journey had only began…
@excellency, there is something about this piece that i like. I had goosepimples when the robbers emerged and i shed a tear when frank shed his…. You are a good writer but…
The dialogues were not in quotes, they were not written on fresh lines, they were not written in bold…. How then are we supposed to know that its a conversation??? I think that is really wrong.
-Dad,yes son, how can one make a positive mark in this world? Frank asked……- Come on excellent. Write like your name.
Thanks gooseberry, I’m happy the story had such an effect on you, I’m learning the ropes, I promise you I’ll get there.
@Gooseberry, I like the subtle, quiet way you spoke to @Excellency. I wouldn’t have been more lenient. I’m imagining you to be one slim, quiet, nice girl with a singing voice. :=)
@Excellency, you should take your time when writing. Don’t ever be in a hurry, even in deadline is tomorrow.
@Gooseberry pointed out some errors for you. Then, you just told us a story without carrying us along. Your description was too ‘pictureless’. In the part you were talking about robbers emerging from a nearby bush, I felt you were talking about ordinary people.
Don’t worry, if you hang on on NS, you’ll learn.
@babyada I believe @Gooseberry comments are how one should offer suggestions and criticisms of a writer’s work. Nothing special about it….. The writers, published, well known or otherwise at the meet-ups I attend offer criticims in such a manner and I see no reason for it to be different here on NS. I hope we adopt this approach more robustly as comments that question the writer’s age in a manner akin to ridicule instead of offering advise, as seen below on this page can hardly be termed a contribution to the efforts of NS.
@Eletrika, I actually wrote that piece within 3 hours, on the last night for submission to gain admission to a literary workshop. I learnt a lot from the workshop, I did not re-edit it before posting, my next story should reflect what I learnt from the workshop. But to be a good teacher and adviser you’ve got to be lenient. Thanks anyways.
All said…
Nice story. I like the opening lines…and the way you brought us into the reminiscing….
Thanks
Good story, felt it read slow and easy
I appreciate that Paul
For a 14 year old, this would have been remarkable.
I do hope you are not an adult.
Kaycee!!!! Na how adult take dey write?
@Joseph omotayo, i swear i don’t even know.
I never reach adult.
lol kaycee, I’m not 14 yrs old, nevertheless I’m not yet 14 yrs in writing…
It is a good story, it can still be developed more. Your last paragraph is too preachy. Your lessons can still come in a subtle way. I bet you, readers will appreciate that even more. Good story again. And never stop writing; you can only be better.
Was almost dissuaded from reading cos of the lack appropriate punctuation, before I saw d comments. Simple story.
Now, put d commas and apostrophes in place.
A nice short story with a message. Following the dialogue wasn’t easy for me. I like the fact that you tried an unconventional way of presenting dialogue. However, remember that some conventional modes of writing became ‘conventions’ because they appealed to readers. Keep trying original ways of writing, just don’t leave us behind
Thanks Sule, I appreciate
The largest room in the world is the room for improvement, I’m in that room right now. Thanks for all your incisive comments. Don’t stop.
No need to repeat words. The fello had said it all.
But wait o is that the end?.
As long as there’s life stories don’t really end, don’t u think?
Read more novels. You’ll surely improve.
I will. Care to suggest some?
@Excellency, I do like the idea behind the story. In fact, the first two paragraphs were good; they sounded natural, like a conversation that a father would have with his son. But the transition in the third paragraph threw me, and from then it sounded so ‘preachy’ and contrived.
I think you need more words to stretch it out and make it work (maybe describing the encounter with robbers in more detail to give us the sense of danger and tragedy, then a slower transition to the scene in school, maybe showing us how the incident affected him and drove him to succeed as he had on the day).
Keep writing.
I hear Tola, I’m not about to stop writing… Thks