Right from the train, I knew there was something fishy about this trip. As I sauntered along the aisle holding my ticket in one hand, while flossing my new iPod touch with the other, I became the center of attention. This was my 15 minutes of fame as Warhol predicted, and I wasn’t gonna mess this up—I thought. I kept flipping the screen of my iPod—I imagined Steve Jobs created an app that scans the cabin using GPS tech to route your way to your seat— I was probably looking for an application I never installed. While on my runway, I suddenly bumped into a black lady and :
Ugo: (was just about saying hello…when she..)
Lady: Bonsoir! (with a lopsided grin all over her face)
Ugo: (confused as I was, I thought she was trying to say her name was Bonsuwa), so I said “what did you say?”
Lady: (she just kept smiling)
I figured she did not understand English, I quickly did a brain reboot and remembered Bonsoir was “Good Evening” in French. There was only one option left, I bet she understood Russian. So I smiled back at Mrs Smiling machine and…
Ugo: пожалуйста, где находится место 52? (Please where is seat 52?)
Lady: там (pointing in the direction where my seat was)
I thanked her, and walked briskly to the place, unpacked my duffel bag, layed my bed and was just about to sleep when she approached me and said “ты нашел?”(have you found it?). I thought to myself if the later wasn’t obvious or was it part of the “French hospitality?” I simply replied with a smile and said thanks. Severally, she walked ostentatiously to and fro along the aisle in a green mini-gown, wearing a maroon colored leather slippers, flattened at the sole and cuffed at the toes, also never forgetting to drop a smile when she passed.
Immediately, the two voices in my head “Lori and Dori” began arguing. Dori felt he knew all about the feminine gestures and claimed he knew green light when he saw one.
(in his voice*)”Dude, stop dulling!…this girl is giving you greenlight, go and start a convo with her
Lori: Oh common dori, can’t you just see she is just flirting with him. Moreover her destination is different from his, after here, what next?
Dori: uhm-uhm, let him at least try and collect her number, then leave the rest to me…
Lori: just shut-up dori, you are evil*
Dori: Wat-eva! I can’t believe you want him to jonze, “opportunity comes but once”. Anyways, you can’t convince him…
Ugo: SILENCE PLEASE!!!
I quickly put my headphones on, and was soon nodding my head to my favourite playlist. Before long, I had plunged into sleep. Just when I was about being announced as one of the winners of the Nobel Prize, this annoy*** hefty steward—with muscles meant for five people—Interrupted my sleep…doggone it, this guy was a typical dream extinguisher. Why now? Just when I was about to mount the podium…(your reason for disturbing me better be important…)
Steward: Do you want Tea? (in Russian language)
Ugo: (still angry at him) “No”
Steward: Do you want Cofee?
Steward: (now putting on a drunk smile) Do you want a girl?, I can give you her (now pointing at his female colleague)
Ugo: (confused if I was perhaps still sleeping) I replied “No, thanks”
Steward: Do you want her?(pointing to the girl sitting adjacent to me), I could give you some privacy
At this point, “boyz were not smiling”. This guy was suffering from “do-you-want-syndrome”, how hard is it to understand that I want nothing? The other passengers laughed as this guy pestered me and finally told him to leave me alone. He was lucky they intervened; I was just about to teach him some real lesson. It seems his muscles were deceiving him, after all muscles did goliath no good. I simply ignored him and put my headphones back on trying to see if I can resume my Nobel prize ceremony.
About an hour later, my battery was almost flat! Well, there is definitely no way he was gonna help me—I thought to myself. I summoned courage and walked up to him…
Ugo: Can I charge my battery, please?
Steward: Of course!
Ugo: (wow, he wasn’t that annoying after all; I plugged it and was about returning to my seat…)
Steward: It’s 5UAH
Ugo: Sorry? why?
Steward: Since you don’t want Tea, Coffee, Rose or the lady beside you, you must pay to charge your phone.
I was startled and looked around to be sure I was not a guest on an episode of Aston Kutcher’s “Punk’d”,I started doubting if I got on the correct train. The other passengers just stared with smiles anxious to see my next move, they were obviously enjoying every bit of it. This might be the best train experience they have ever had. I decided, “Well, it’s only 5UAH”. I could part ways with that; I was about giving him the money when I discovered the time allowed for it was already exhausted. I simply retired to my seat and switch off the phone to save some energy. Few hours later, we arrived Simferopol and I boarded a bus to Sudak, where the real movie started…
To be continued…