7-06-07
Maiduguri
The bar was crowded. She sat, perched on a tall stool, the slit on her long, black dress effectively exposing a slash of pale brown thigh. Her hair was packed up in a bun high on her head, baring her long neck. Long black earrings trailed down to creamy shoulders, untouched by the low cut of the sheath dress. A single bracelet adorned one wrist. Her feet looked naked in flat black slippers, a silver anklet encircling one ankle.
She tapped her foot, trying not to look as impatient as she felt. Sipping Smirnoff, she searched the crowd. A voice from behind her said, “Heineken!”. Her head whipped around.
He stood there, his recent haircut making him look young and fresh. The fingers of his left hand drummed absently on the counter top, while his right thumb hung from his pants pocket. He wore a dress shirt, a baby blue with white stripes down the front. The band around his wrist professed his loyalty to his football club. Pale corduroys made her want to see the back view and a pair of sporty shoes finished it off.
“Nice shoes.”
He looked at her then, at the shoes, then back up. And smiled.
“Thanks. You’ve got a nice… dress.”
His gaze still lingered on her cleavage.
“Thank you, Mr. …?”
“Steele. Rambo Steele.”
She liked the impatient way he waved away the bartender’s offer of a glass, flicked off the cork and drank his beer straight from the bottle. The movement of his Adam’s apple had her reflexively licking her lower lip.
“May I sit, Ms…?”
“Erm… Christine.”
He raised an eyebrow. A very nice eyebrow.
“Christine Skillz. And yes, you may sit.”
He sat, blazing an optical trail from her toes, up her leg, to the exposed thigh, up to the cleavage and back to her face.
“Thank you”, he said, a gleam in his eye.
“You’re welcome”, she said, drinking thirstily from her glass, her eyes gleaming back.
* * *
She stepped out of his car and followed him up to the door. A dog appeared, wagging half its body in silent welcome, a big doggy grin on its face.
“Hey, you!” Rambo bent down to scratch the proffered belly.
“Nice dog”, Christine smiled, waggling her fingers at the animal.
“Let’s go in, babe”, he said, leading the way.
The dog thumped his tail, looking longingly after them as they went inside. Minutes later, he cocked his ears when he heard a series of moans coming from within. His head dropped onto his front paws as the sounds reached a crescendo. He whined softly when he heard the sound of contented feminine laughter. And in resignation, fell asleep.
* * *
She rolled onto her side, a smile still playing on her lips. He was flat on his back, still breathing heavily. Her phone beeped. She quickly read the text and dropped the phone, slightly irritated. As if on cue, his phone rang shrilly, piercing the sweaty silence. She watched him as he spoke to the unknown, invisible intruder on the other end of the line. A raised eyebrow was her only reaction to his mumbled “Love you too, babe.” There was an uncertain silence for a few minutes, then he got up and started to rummage around the scattered clothes for his boxers.
“Babe, time to go”, he said, pulling on his pants.
She stretched languidly and began sorting out her undies, absently wondering just how many “babes” he had in his life.
This time, she patted the dog’s head while he thumped his bushy tail on the floor. They both got into the car, Rambo having asked for and gotten her phone number, Christine having accepted his offer of a ride home.
And so it began…
The title is…somewhat flat. My opinion.
Uh…”Steele. Rambo Steele.” ?
“Christine Skillz”…?
Sounds like the names of porno actors. Kinda corny. No offense.
” You’ve got a nice… dress” Don’t think that sentence is correct. It does not work for me anyways. Think ‘That’s a nice er….dress” or words to that effect would have been better. My opinion.
“Rambo having asked for and gotten her phone number, Christine having accepted his offer of a ride home”
apostrophe not comma.
I like the brisk pace of the story…I think it could be headed somewhere great.
I agree that the title is flat. Suggestions are welcome.
The line after Rambo’s compliment shows that he was thinking “rack” instead of “dress”.
I’m sorry, apostrophe???
Thanks so much for your interest!
Hmmm…… Then, which is baby blue please? ‘creamy shoulders’, I think should be ‘oily shoulders’, ‘shimmering shoulders’, ‘whipped her head’ I think should be ‘swept her head’. How nice are the eyebrows?
I really like the narration; slow and steady.
Baby blue is just pale/light blue.
“Creamy shoulders” implies that the shoulders look soft and smooth.
“Nice eyebrows” reflects how attractive she found him; everything about him was “nice”.
Thanks!
Loved it. Liked the rhythm and pace. Read like a hard-boiled detective/romantic piece. I look forward to reading more from you.
My ego loves you! Thanks!
As an opener, this certainly works for me. The names are bit off for a story purportedly set in Maiduguri, but can be forgiven due to the genre. Will certainly be following this one.
The names are fake. They are after a no-strings arrangement.
Thanks:-)
“Thanks. You’ve got a nice… dress.”
His gaze still lingered on her cleavage.
……………………………………………….
The second line actually suggests that Mr. Rambo was referring to her “cleavage”, but said “dress” as an afterthought.
Keep writing…
Spot on, Rhema.
Thank you.
Well, its been long I read…stuff like this.
Make we see wetin go happen.
Lolz…
I’ll take that as a compliment. Thanks:-)
Initially, it sounded as if she was waiting for someone in particular and not just anyone. I like that the story is straight to the point but you have to bring more to the table in the sequel.
I want to believe that their names are phonies else we would file for change of names.
Bring it on girl!
She was waiting for someone to catch her eye and tickle her fancy…
Yes, the names are phonies.
Thanks!
“I like the brisk pace of the story…I think it could be headed somewhere great.”
I hail this writer.
The flow is like a spiry white smoke moving upward.
Em…what exactly are you talking about?
Hahahahahahahahahahaha, @seun, abeg free the man O°˚˚˚!
Story was cool. Very well woven, IMO
Thank you!
I believe this story is still going somewhere, or, are we there already?
Actually never intended to stretch this out into anything more than it is…
@Missmeddle,
I very much liked the style of writing of the story – it fitted well with the theme of two people meeting, being intensely physically attracted to each other, and ending up having casual sex.
I don’t think the names are meant to be their real names – that also indicates that they both understand that this is just a one night stand. But I could be wrong…
Almost felt like a perfect action movie, like it but you could have chosen better names,
I actually enjoyed reading. Most of the things I would have commented on have been mentioned already so I’ll just leave it at that. It seems like a novel excerpt. I sure hope it is cause it looks like it will lead to somewhere interesting…
Sorry for the late replies and thanks a lot for all your interest and comments. I wrote this piece in 2007 and never thought of it as being a part of a novel or anything.
Suggestions for a more apt title are highly welcome!
Also, if you are interested in reading more from me, please visit http://missmeddle.wordpress.com
Enjoy!
Beautiful story. You did a great job of laying out the background for the one night stand. The fake names and conversation between the two are a perfect touch.
Welldone
Thanks, everyone!
What began? And the names….they sound aout of place.
Why stop? I shoot people, U know…
Nice. Heed the corrections above…
Nice write up but its a little bit slow and many narrations were left untouched to give the real picture of what happened at the bar… Nice one…..