You are not even Nigerian

You are not even Nigerian

I am staring at the cake even after a minute of arranging it with the others for display and there I wish Summer from team “zoom” or Matilda from either movies was here to make the cake explode all over my face, I’d be so glad.

It would be so cool to hear my ever nagging boss, nag again, that way, she reminded me of my second girlfriend in the university. Everyone that knew me during my school days were always dumbfounded when they see me, the only kid that graduated with first class honors working in a crappy bakery, which is one of the biggest in town, but I could think of better ways and places to work, with a fatter paycheck.

The other day, Charles, in my graduating class, was Christmas shopping with his wife and kids. He spotted me arguing with a lady who was refusing to be on the queue for bread. It wasn't a surprise to me anymore when he introduced me to his family; most of my school mates had one. I can’t even get a girl to go out on a date with me anymore because I can hardly take good care of myself.

Most of the school mate that meet me end their conversation in a similar way. They could say;
“You are just passing through a hard time, everyone has one” few had placed a hand or both on my shoulder and finished with, “I have had mine also”

Yeah right, maybe the time your fathers’ or uncles’ company you inherited was going bankrupt and you had to cut off your millions of naira salary by 10%. Hard time indeed! They don’t know how difficult it is to receive a phone call you were suppose to make in the first place from a widow that spent all she had to make sure you were educated and expects you to send money to her every week. It is embarrassing to be the last tenant to pay his rent. But, why should they care?
I stopped repeating this statement to myself last weekend, when Charles invited me for a job interview.

After making me write a ‘Begging letter’ six times, my horrible boss gave me the day off. I thought that stuff was written by a poor person to a rich one. If I didn’t know better, I would have said she was into me.
**********

“I am Boko Haram” he said finally after making me sit in front of him as he smoked his cigar for eight minutes.

“You rich folks, yeah right” I started bursting into laughter

“I am a secret agent” I said pointing at him and expecting him to join me laughing, I stopped laughing gradually when he asked in a serious tone if I was a secret agent.

“You mentioned that you are Boko Haram, so I played along by saying I am a secret Agent” My laughter had ceased completely. I shouldn’t have replied I felt so stupid for explaining.

“Hey, you are not joking? You are not even from the north”
Smiling for the first time “You remember I’m not even Nigerian.”

“W-Wh-Why?” I stammered

“ Nigeria is responsible for the ill-state of my Country, My country sent me here to spy at first and now, to destroy” His ‘destroy’ in a bass tone, He was trying to act scary I thought. He was not scary at all.

“You need help; Boko Haram has been in existence before you came into Nigeria”

“Okay, I’m not ‘the’ Boko Haram but I’m impersonating the group, who knew that the Nigeria who complained about slave trade did it to us”

“Man, you are crazy”

“You want prove, huh?” He showed me a picture of him and his president.

“That could have been photo shopped”

“ Oh don’t be foolish, when a dude tells you he is Boko Haram, you believe him don’t make him point a gun at you” He dropped the act pissed, changed from the husky voice to a more original one, he turns on the light and opens the blinds with a flick of a button on the remote control.

“Let’s cut to the chase” He continued “I give you a bomb that would bring down that mall you work in, so they know we are in Lagos. You get two million naira now and four when the job is completed”

“You’ve got to be sh**ting me” I said scared to the marrow. “Why can’t you use the money you spend on explosives to make your country what you want it to be, revenge can never make you feel better. Why can’t your president discuss this with my president, an agreement should make everybody happy”

“You are right, I thought of that” picking up the husky voice, he continued “But what the hell, I don’t call the shots, I’m an errand boy also, they send the money and the rest you know. You’ve got a mother and younger ones that depends on you, right?”
******
I look at my wristwatch, in three minutes the cake would explode, I couldn’t sleep last night, I decided to take the money, My mum would have the good things of life till she dies and I would be able to pay my debts. I look at my watch again if I leave the bakery now I would get out of the building in less than a minute
“Hey, what are you thinking of? We know the remaining cake would not walk to the stand, chop chop, get back to work” My crazed boss barks.

What a stalker.

“I need a minute” I don’t even let her speak I rush out

“Hey, come back, you forgot your bomb”
With immediate effect I turn to her and shout what.

“Your robe, you can’t take it out remember?”

I hope I’m not going deaf. Few seconds lost, I need all the time I can get.
Thank God I’m out I have exactly a minute and eighteen seconds left and less than that to decide if this is what I really want.

*******
“Wake up, wake up” Anita shouts jumping on my bed

“I specifically said no one must wake me this morning” I say pushing her slowly off my bed.

“But, you kept shouting something like ………..”
I jump out of bed, it was just a dream.

“Mummy said you should come and watch the TV, the UN building has been destroyed”

“Damn Charles” I huff hiking up my pants.



5 thoughts on “You are not even Nigerian” by IBKinx (@blessing)

  1. Wow.

    Satire…right?!

    I like this one. I like it.

  2. Yeah, right!
    The conversations could have been better. But then, everything in this world could be better.
    Nice work

  3. Hahaha!
    Just clean it up a bit, and U have a winner.

  4. Lovely. Just lovely. What else can I say? But I wanted the bomb to explode :(

  5. Tense confusion detracts from the quality of this work.

    Since it’s a dream sequence, there’s not really a lot to say about the story; anything can happen in dreams, abi?

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