Four days after we broke up, my ex moved out. That was three days earlier than he said he would. That day I had come back from work to see that he had started moving out his things from the flat. I was confused and fear began to really sink it’s clutches in me. Next to the fact that he hadn’t eaten any of the food I made sure was ready for him, this was the biggest nail in the coffin of my hope. I just couldn’t let him go just like that. I made sure I stayed awake till he returned at almost midnight. It was the first night we were speaking since the breakup. I asked him to reconsider. I cried, I held him, I seduced him. Yes I admit it, I forced myself on him and we made love. It was after that that he moved out.
He admitted that though he was still attracted to me, it didn’t change anything. When he walked out the front door, I literally felt my heart break. That night, I emailed a handful of close friends to tell them the news. I called my mother and broke down to her. She tried her best but there really was no consoling me that night. I thought I wouldn’t but I must have fallen asleep at a point. I woke up to a lonely bed with a tear-soaked pillow. I did become sick and ended up not going to work for the next remaining days of the week. I didn’t even step out of the house for those two days and the following weekend. My friend who I had first told came to stay with me. I kept bursting into tears at every turn. It wasn’t pretty and I’m still very grateful to her. Looking back, I don’t know what I would have done if she had not been there. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. I was falling apart right before my eyes.
By that Sunday, I decided to go to work the next day. There was no need hiding in the flat. I dressed well that day. I had recently had a makeover with the help of my friends. It was possible that I had noticed my ex withdrawing and that was why I had my friends help me in shopping for new stuff a couple of months before then. But that was all in the past and had not helped any. I refused to think about him as I primped while getting ready for work. When I was a child, my mother always said that dressing up when you’re feeling sick or moody made you feel better. With this in mind, I put on a yellow skirt and a red blouse. I put on some nice jewelry, topped it with my best wig and headed off to work.
It was while I was at work that I decided that I would move out from the flat I had shared with my ex. Our rent was due by the end of the month and I was not going to renew. We paid in six monthly installments and not only could I not afford it, I could deal without the memories of our time there together. I talked to myself sternly after that. I decided that if my ex was remapping his life, maybe I needed to do the same. I drew up an excel sheet on my computer and fashioned a short-term goal and something to do with myself as if I was writing a business proposal. It was almost the end of June and I was convinced that I could get my life together before the end of the year. I will survive, I kept telling myself.
I hummed the song by Gloria Gaynor and downloaded it from Limewire into my mp3 player. I listened to it so much the funny part of me that remained worried that it would fade away. I took the humor as a sign that I was on the right track. I called my friend some days later to tell her of my decision. She stayed with some relatives and we began to plan of moving in together in a smaller place. The following week, I contacted some estate agents and gave them details of what we wanted. I ended up with a few places to go and visit that week. In addition, I had plans to have dinner with friends. The plan had originally been for “both of us” to go out with the newly married couple. I almost chickened out but in the end, I went ahead since they were my friends and already knew.
I loved to read and shopped for books regularly but the few times I found myself at a bookstore, it was usually in the self-help section. I picked up books on relationships and dealing with breakups and browsed through them keenly. I tried to remember everything I read so I wouldn’t have to buy the book and bring it back to our new flat. I didn’t want anything to spoil the façade I was showing to my friend and new roommate. I finally bought a book from a roving vendor which I would leave in my office. It was titled “Making up after a quarrel with your partner”. I devoured the book looking for answers and tips on what to do to get my ex back so that we could continue the relationship. We had spoken only a couple of times on the phone since then. Yes I called him. I’m not proud of it and as I pored over the book, it said I should give my ex space for a while and work on myself. Then he would somehow miraculously want to get back with me. I sincerely prayed so.
Well, I never got back with my ex but that didn’t stop me doing a few other stupid things. I worked at a place where I had access to the internet. I could also browse on my phone when the network was good. I had the highest bill ever that first couple of months after the breakup. I was also reprimanded by my immediate superior at work. We were on good terms or it would have been more serious. I was always online scouring the web for information on breakups and of course, came across those “Get your ex back” links. I was weak and often gave in. I also regularly went snooping to his Facebook page and tried to decode what was happening in his life. I felt I would shatter if I found out my ex was dating again. I knew I was deceiving myself. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted him back.