My President has stage fright

My President has stage fright

As a graduate of  Theatre Arts, I learnt to conquer stage fright early in life.

My acting professor, late Professor Ola Rotimi, reminded us that humans were toothless bulldogs.

If they didn’t bite, we had no reason to be scared of them on stage.

He always said “focus on one person smiling at you and damn the rest of them”

Focus, we did.

Fortunately, it worked.

 

As a Nigerian, I learnt to beat the system very early in life.

The system reminded me that our government was a fully organized machinery for corruption.

If I didn’t get caught, I had no reason to be afraid.

It was generally accepted that everyone was a criminal except you had a godfather

Since I couldn’t afford a godfather,

I fortunately created one.

 

I became a government to myself, for myself and by myself.

 

I had perfected the art of adjusting my PHCN meter to read a fraction of what I was really consuming.

If the PHCN guys ever came knocking, I would threaten to call a doctored phone number, which supposedly belonged to one of their bosses, and they would let me go.

 

I had become the self-elected, constitutional President and commander-in-chief of my armed forces.

I jumped traffic lights, drove against traffic and parked in “No Parking” zones.

If I was accosted, I simply dialed one number from my network of retired military officers who bailed me out.

 

I had become a one man syndicate

I could make two simultaneous withdrawals from an ATM and have it read as one.

I knew how to load one airtime recharge card twice and no one would ever know.

If I got a strange phone call warning me of my crime, I simply discarded that SIM card and bought another one from a hawker down the street.

 

 

I had become a global citizen.

I knew how to get passports of different African countries without ever showing up at their emigration departments.

Filling cannabis into empty groundnut shells was my way of contributing our national export.

As a matter of principle, I only ever traveled out from one airport;

I couldn’t afford to have too many Custom officers on my payroll.

After all, focus was the name of the game.

 

So, it surprised me when my employer threatened to fire me if I didn’t register.

I just couldn’t imagine myself queuing up for hours to get something that irrelevant.

I simply a collected one voter’s card from my colleague, scanned, redesigned it to fit my specs and printed.

I was only too pissed when I discovered that the card would be irrelevant at the polls.

 

 

Don’t get me wrong, I love my country.

I’ve gone from shame to respect.

I have no problem with religion, ethnicity or cultural leanings.

I don’t even care which party is in government.

I just want to drive on smooth roads, live in safety and enjoy constant electricity.

I know the government won’t provide these basic things so they shouldn’t get in my way when I try.

 

I don’t blame Mr. President for refraining from public debates.

He probably has no idea how the country is run anyway.

I don’t blame Dame Patience for bringing her quiver to the public

What better way to exhibit our inefficient educational system

I don’t blame INEC for switching from digital to analogue

They probably have many interests to protect

 

But I will be merciless with anyone who messes with my right to govern myself.

 

 

 

Comments

comments


25 thoughts on “My President has stage fright” by Dipo Adesida (@dipoadesida)

  1. A brilliant satirical piece. Bravo!

  2. Avatar of Jaywriter
    Jaywriter (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    ditto @yejide, the satire was really nice. Very nice one.

  3. Avatar of Dipo Adesida
    Dipo Adesida (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Please vote for me o!

  4. Whao…..Guess you got this from the autobiography of my friend (Just kidding) hehehehe. Nice story

  5. This is a very good one Dipo.

    Well done!!!

  6. This is what I call ‘merciless excellence’! A piece that is so sure of it’s own goodness that it catches you from the start and tells you ‘Shut up, sit down and read me because I deserve to be read!’

    Mr. Adesida, you nailed it! YOU. NAILED. IT! Terrific!

    P.s: You’ve got my vote man. But you’re still coming second. Cos that prize is MINE! Don’t mess with it!

  7. Avatar of jeff unaegbu
    jeff unaegbu (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Satire in the ring! This is a very brilliant warp and woof of the chronic chronicles of the sins of the life and times of the present Nigerian state. And the MC’s resignation to self-governance and his complete rationalisation to doing himself and the nation a good service is a mark of genius on the part of the writer. @Dipo, good one!

  8. NO DOUBT YOU HAVE MY VOTE! GBAM!

  9. Avatar of Dipo Adesida
    Dipo Adesida (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Thanks, guys.
    I’m really inspired by your comments.
    Don’t hate Naija that bad but sometimes it hurts so bad.

  10. Avatar of Raymond
    Raymond (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    I love this….

  11. Avatar of miss rola
    miss rola (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Really nice one. One of the best i have read so far! Wont be bad if this piece wins. *winks*

  12. Yeah, really nice.

  13. Avatar of writefight
    writefight (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Dipo with a masterstroke of humour. You raised the issues with the average “naijaman”, who will rather survive through all the hardship, than attempt a better future through the ballot box; Voters’ apathy and the MC’s ‘nigerianess’ was x-rayed. I enjoyed this piece.

  14. Avatar of Dipo Adesida
    Dipo Adesida (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Thanks again o!
    I’m quite optimistic that we can do things quite differently this elections.

    Otherwise…

  15. Avatar of
    King kObOkO (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    He he he… I love the merciless humour here. By the way, Jonathan is debating with himself now o! Maybe BON &NEDG finally gave him the expo he couldn’t get from the NN24. Ha ha! Good for him shaa. But na Buhari be my man. Wetin PDP don achieve since 1999 sef? Ok, GSM &corruption abi? And about this your entry, it’s more like a political commentary or satire than a story. I don’t sincerely think it’ll reach first five o! (If you doubt me, check out these works: THE NEO-JUJU, FOR THE BOY, DRUNKEN PROPHET, DINING ELECTORATES, NO SHORTCUT etc) *winks*

  16. Avatar of 4ran6
    4ran6 (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    My comment is my vote, well done!!!

  17. Avatar of Dipo Adesida
    Dipo Adesida (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Thanks.
    May the best entry win.

  18. Avatar of Ellie
    Ellie (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    This is one badt guy…
    I loved this piece, was real good…

  19. Avatar of Nnenna-Ihebom
    Nnenna-Ihebom (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Meeeen, i really like this superb sattire. Very well done, dear friend.

  20. 9ja!!!! imagine election could not hold…hmmm

  21. Avatar of Dipo Adesida
    Dipo Adesida (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Yesterday stand up was just a spoof.
    I wonder what the presidential polls will be like.

    At least the citizenry has proven that the siddon look days are over but what does INEC do?

    Lol!

  22. Avatar of Scopeman
    Scopeman (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    I didn’t expect less, considering you made it to the top three in the last contest. Well Dipo. Do stick around more often, let us learn a thing or two from you, hm, no just dey win the money run comot, hm. lol…

  23. Avatar of Dipo Adesida
    Dipo Adesida (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Lol! I’ll hang around a bit more and learn a thing or two too.

  24. ha ha ha just laffing!!!

  25. Avatar of Chioma
    Chioma (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    wow! this is excellent.

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