Father Of The Children

Father Of The Children

She said “I want to vote”. Like I was the ballot box.

I looked up, and I saw the sun. Slowly, its rays crept into my carefully inclined lids, and I saw the day had began to ripen, like the contrast of banana peel; ripening, but too early, for boole*.

Then I looked down, and I saw she had, again, entered the house. The sound of a wailing baby, was faint, and I knew where she went. I opened the newspaper to page 28:

Ten People Killed In Renewed Election Violence in Olute.

One of them was my son.

That was a month ago. The paper was a month ago. Three months before, my daughter, the apple of my old eyes, a youth corper, was killed in Imuo. She died, while registering people to vote this same vote. She left a young son, the cry of which I hear now. And they consoled me, the government people. They said I must cast my vote, so that my daughter and son would not die, in vain.

Say, I will vote, I told myself. But I must avenge the death, of my children, inflict mortal wounds, on those who would not allow this my one vote, to count. I would use my gun. I told myself, the one from my army days.

Right here in Olute, we voted, I and my wife.

Then the young thugs, some of who I know, and who are present in this court, to now sympathise with me, they came. Your lordship, they brandished cutlasses and chanted war and party songs.

They said “we want your vote”. By crook.

i looked up, and I saw the sun. I also cocked my gun. Then I looked down, and shot them. I did not know the one that fell, even now.

Your lordship, be merciful. You should not kill me, because I killed the same humans, the ones that killed my children. They have taken the gun, and clasped my hand, in handcuffs. For the past one year, I have slept in jail. I have suffered enough, as you can see, even in the way, the way I speak.

My lawyer has told you. I am the father of the dead ones, on the front page, of those newspapers. All of them.

The old man sat down. The court was silent.

*boole=roasted plantain

Comments

comments


18 thoughts on “Father Of The Children” by Temitope Write Isedowo (@shedytee)

  1. Profile photo of Jaywriter
    Jaywriter (@jaywriter): Junior Writer - 1829 pts

    Quite emotional. Well told too.

  2. Profile photo of Temitope Write Isedowo
    Temitope Write Isedowo (@shedytee): Beginner - 602 pts

    I keep re-reading it. I really like the story. When I saw this contest, I just got the inspiration and i sat down and penned it immediately.

  3. Profile photo of Lawal Opeyemi Isaac
    Lawal Opeyemi Isaac (@easylife2): Scribe - 11149 pts

    The competition just got fiercer with this entry! I loved the story. A little hitch for me is here ‘I saw the day had began to ripen, like the contrast of banana peel; ripening, but too early, for boole*.’ Methinks the language is a bit superflous.
    And the meaning of this line ‘Then I looked down, and I saw she had, again, entered the house. The sound of a wailing baby, was faint, and I knew where she went.’ wasn’t quite clear in relation to the rest of the story.

    Very good effort.

    Well done!!!

  4. Profile photo of Gboyega Otolorin
    Gboyega Otolorin (@guywriterer): Head Wordsmith - 49637 pts

    Nice one. Rather poetic. You started out well but towards the end I think you lost your way a bit… Looks like you didn’t edit this after the first draft.

  5. Profile photo of Kukogho Iruesiri Samson
    Kukogho Iruesiri Samson (@xikay): Head Wordsmith - 50081 pts

    She said “I want to vote”. Like I was the ballot box.
    @DR-WRITE, I MUST SAY THIS IS VERY UNIQUE AND VERY MUCH POETIC…I LOVED IT
    BIG TIME…

    SEE THIS:
    I looked up, and I saw the sun. Slowly, its rays crept into my carefully inclined lids, and I saw the day had began to ripen, like the contrast of banana peel; ripening, but too early, for boole*.
    Then I looked down, and I saw she had, again, entered the house. The sound of a wailing baby, was faint, and I knew where she went. I opened the newspaper to page 28:
    MUCH AS I LOVE THE PRECEDING EXCERPT, I RELLY DO NOT SEE ITS LINK TO THE STORY…IT WAS TIGHT BUT SOMEWHAT UNCONNECTED FOR ME

    She left a young son, the cry of which I hear now. [WHOSE CRY I HEAR NOW WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE HUMANE FOR US....THE BABY IS THE CHILD OF A DEAD DAUGHTER SO AN ENDEARING DESCRIPTION OF THE BABY WOULD HAVE WORKED BETTER]

    I would use my gun. I told myself, the one from my army days.[FIRST OF ALL, THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN NO BREAK INTO TWO SENTENCES...
    I WOULD USE MY GUN I TOLD MYSELF, THE ONE FROM MY ARMY DAYS... TO DO IT SO IT SHOULD BE I 'WILL' USE MY GUN...]

    WELL DONE DR.
    SECONDLY, THE WORD ‘WOULD’ SHOWS PROBABILITY BUT YOU TOLD US THAT HE SWORE ]

  6. Profile photo of Raymond
    Raymond (@raymond): Head Wordsmith - 47658 pts

    @xikay has said it all…Need I say more? I loved Ur approach. Very good!!!

  7. Profile photo of miss rola
    miss rola (@gloria): Newbie - 60 pts

    Love ur angle of presentation-different!

  8. Profile photo of Temitope Write Isedowo
    Temitope Write Isedowo (@shedytee): Beginner - 602 pts

    the story is of a man suffering from the loss of two children.i merely put myself in his place and tried to tell it as best as i could.thanks for the praise, criticisms and comments

  9. Profile photo of Kukogho Iruesiri Samson
    Kukogho Iruesiri Samson (@xikay): Head Wordsmith - 50081 pts

    I MUST SAY THAT THOUGH THE COMPETITION IS STIFF, I DO PRAY THAT THIS STORY MAKES THE NEXT ROUND COS THE CONCEPT IS SUPERB…

  10. Profile photo of Ayodeji Lancaster
    Ayodeji Lancaster (@lancaster): Writer - 6353 pts

    Good story, I reason with @xikay. If I were the man I’ll do the same, maybe worse sef

  11. Profile photo of 4ran6
    4ran6 (@4ran6): Junior Writer - 1907 pts

    @dr write, Very nice creation. I started reading casually, but didn’t know when I had my left hand to my jaw: got into the story… U did very well. I’d be sincere with u though, u didn’t know d end of this story b4 u started… Very strong beginning – Weak end. Maybe u were in a hurry to join the competition. I’m sad because with the imagery and style pact in this piece, we might have known the winner even b4 the final, but u took key issues for granted. U’d notice cohesive conflicts because of punctuation. Among one of such cases is:
    They said I must cast my vote, so that my daughter and son would not die, in vain.
    Did u mean? : THEY SAID I MUST CAST MY VOTE SO THAT MY DAUGHTER AND SON WOULDN’T DIE IN VAIN
    Punctuation and sequencing help a great deal in achieving cohesiveness. Even at that, ur story took me by the hand until we got to ur destination. U’re good and rare, bravo!!!

  12. Profile photo of Kukogho Iruesiri Samson
    Kukogho Iruesiri Samson (@xikay): Head Wordsmith - 50081 pts

    @4RAN6, THERE IS A STORY IN THIS CHRONICLES ON WHICH I MADE THE SAME KIND OF CORRECTION YOU MADE HERE ONLY TO BE REBUFFED…PEOPLE USE COMMA TO BREAK UP A SENTENCE THAT SHOULD BE LEFT UNBROKEN…
    LIKE YOU SAID, THIS STORY IS REALLY TIGHT ‘CEPT FOR SOME OF THE ISSUES AFOREMENTIONED….

    1. Profile photo of 4ran6
      4ran6 (@4ran6): Junior Writer - 1907 pts

      I know the story u are referring to… I’d accept such obstructions if they aren’t grave. When it leaves ur ride bumpy, u have the right to speak out. lolz!

  13. Profile photo of Temitope Write Isedowo
    Temitope Write Isedowo (@shedytee): Beginner - 602 pts

    Thanks everybody.
    @xikay and 4ran6. I must say that I am not a fan of commas too. I broke it into such tiny sentences because i wanted to show a suffering man, not only of the heart or body, but of words too. I wanted anybody to guess that this man was having some difficulty speaking. The excuse is right there in the story when the man said he also had some difficulty talking.
    Of course, I knew where the story would end. I only wrote a story to surprise you even as you read.
    I have noted all your corrections and will work harder on the story. But pls consider it in the context of my own pen and then make your corrections. Thanks so much.
    I am waiting.

    1. Profile photo of 4ran6
      4ran6 (@4ran6): Junior Writer - 1907 pts

      Thanks…

  14. Profile photo of Kukogho Iruesiri Samson
    Kukogho Iruesiri Samson (@xikay): Head Wordsmith - 50081 pts

    @dr thanks bro…i do feel you big time….big up man

  15. Profile photo of Scopeman
    Scopeman (@scopeman60): Head Wordsmith - 50531 pts

    Very intelligent concept dr write, I loved this very much.

  16. Profile photo of
    King kObOkO (@): Newbie - 0 pts

    Very commendable approach! Though it got a bit confusing in the middle; where we’re left wondering if the old man is in the courtroom or at home. Still, this is a touching story. Wish it had been better-written *winks*

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