Waiting to be Kissed.

Waiting to be Kissed.

When girls my age were outside baking mud pies in the sand and playing ‘husband and wife’ with the boys next door, I was in my room, huddling under the blanket with a Mills & Boons novel in my hands.

To say that I loved reading M &B’s would be an understatement; I was obsessed with them. I stumbled on a box full of them when I was only eight years old. We had just gotten back from London and were moving into our new house in the campus quarters of Ahmadu Bello University. I was helping my mother unpack her stuff when I came across more than a dozen of them in one of the moving cartons.

The covers made me curious. The pictures of tall, strong, dangerous looking men clasping slim flaxen haired beauties by their finger nail waists made me automatically suck in my breath so that my little round belly could be as flat as theirs. The look of passion in the eyes of these men had me wondering what was going on in their minds so I grabbed one and settled down to read it…and was hooked.

I took my M & B novels everywhere with me the way a two year old would drag a teddy bear around the house; To the classroom where my primary three teacher nearly had a fit after he caught me reading one during a math class (God I hated math!). The sultry cover didn’t help my case. After the incident, I heard girls gathered in groups during break time calling me a ‘bad girl’. Believe me when I say my reputation was tainted from that moment on till I got to my seniors years in secondary school where it seemed all the girls had just suddenly discovered M & B novels like it was the new ecstasy and were reading them all over the place.

After a second scandal where another teacher caught me reading the harlequin version of an M & B, and reported me to my dad, I wisened up and started wrapping the books with newspapers and old calendars. Far be it from me to spoil my teachers with the scandalizing pictures that characterized the covers of these precious novels!

I wasn’t averse to taking my little darlings to church either. Father Bruno was a fine young priest but his delivery of the sermons sent over half of the church to sleep every Sunday. With an M & B by my side on Sundays, it was ‘goodbye sleep’ and ‘hello handsome!’

I spent my days dreaming about tall dark handsome men with chiseled chins and hard lips coming to sweep me off my feet. I had fantasies at that age that would have sent my mother running to a professional shrink if she had known about them.

My all time favorite part in Mills and Boons novels were the kiss scenes. I lived for them and I nearly died for them too. Thanks to those scenes, I grew up thinking about the first man I would kiss. Most girls think about the man they will give their virginity to; I spent my waking and sleeping moments planning which man I would share an earth shattering, body shuddering kiss with.

I got my first chance when I was in my first year at the university with a boy who fit the M & B profile. While he didn’t have a head full of wavy raven or sun kissed hair, he did have the trademark intense piercing eyes and hard lips that begged to be kissed. Ahmed was his name. He pestered me to go out with him for months but I blunted refused because in spite of the fact that he looked like the M & B man he didn’t act like it. He didn’t take charge or grab me by my shoulders and shake me silly when I was being impetuous. He didn’t kiss me into silence or make me quake in the knees with the things that he said. All he did was look good when he wasn’t talking so I kept on saying bored no’s to him until one day I was standing with a group of friends when he walked up to me, frustration etched in every line of his face.

‘All this shakara you’ve been doing for me must stop, he ground out standing so close to me that I could feel his body heat.

‘Whether you like it or not, you will say yes to me’, then he walked away.

That was what an M&B man was supposed to say!

Was I impressed? Very! Did I say yes? You bet I did! An M&B man in action? Halleluiah!

And so, I carefully got ready for the very first visit to Ahmed’s place.

He lived off campus in one of those compounds where your business is everybody else’s business but I didn’t mind as long as no one made me their business.

It was a lazy evening as he came to pick me up from my hostel room with his leggedy Mercedes. We strolled back to his place in fifteen minutes where he made sure I was comfortably seated on his bed then slotted in ‘something about Mary’, a hilarious comedy starring Cameroun Diaz.

My M & B training had prepared me for the moves he brought on from the movie to the drink and the conversation. All I had my mind on however was the kiss.

I wanted it to be perfect so I had borrowed a tube of my roommate’s lip gloss for the occasion. I got the chance to use it when he stepped out to return a movie he had borrowed from his next door neighbor. The minute he was out, I quickly dove to the mirror hanging on his wall, slathered enough lip gloss on to make my lips look as shiny as Marilyn Monroe’s and sat back on the bed with a well rehearsed pucker on my lips.

Ahmed walked into the room, stopped short and stared at me with those intense eyes of his.

I looked back, doleful eyed and puckered lips on full display. I had rehearsed this look in front of the mirror too long for it not to work.

‘Wetin you put for mouth nah?’ He burst out.

‘You lick my groundnut oil when I commot ne?’

I was stunned.

An & B man would have never spoken like that.

He would have never said those words to a lady.

Never.  Never. Never.

Needless to say, Ahmed did not get kissed that evening and neither did I.

While it didn’t mark the end of the search for the prefect kiss and the perfect M & B man, it did mark the end of my short-lived relationship with Ahmed.

Lesson learned? Never wear another woman’s lip gloss, wear your own!



33 thoughts on “Waiting to be Kissed.” by estrella (@estrella)

  1. …Good! I had my laugh at the end(Your description of Ahmed and some humour you added made me enjoy the story)

  2. Bush Man, Ahmed..! It was risky going to his house alone oh… Don’t mind moi.. It’s just some of my undergradate days memories tickling in…

  3. There’s Something About Mary, loved the movie. Good one.

  4. Funny. i needed the laff-dat ahmed na proper bush man, undeserving of the M&B-practiced kiss anyways.

  5. lol… u go fear ‘Ultimate Search- The Golden Kiss’. Ahmed dull sha.

  6. lol lovely/funny story. I like the way you told it from a feminine perspective, especially all your preparations for the great kiss. I also found it funny that you read M & B novels everywhere – even in church. I used to enjoy reading when eating when i was younger, made the food sweeter. P.S Just to let you know that am a Good Kisser (learnt it from watching all those Romance series on Tv back then- ‘Moonlighting’)so if you still searching for the ‘body shuddering kiss’ I can surely help :)

  7. Estrella i loved this, i was an m&b bum too and i started way early too in pry school, so i share a lot of this too but now i dont think it was and is what any child should read, imagine i didnt like reading Betty Neels because there were no steamy scenes in her books- this was as a teen, but in my l8r teen years i began to skip those scenes because i felt they were all too regular.Point is M&B’s provided my early reading material, which shouldnt have been so, join me on http://www.facebook.com/pages/Reading-Culture-Foundation/146187712073142 to prmote and share the love of reading.

  8. Really nice one Estrella.The writing was flowing and I enjoyed the descriptions.I saw the movie too and it was very funny.

  9. Beautiful one you have here. I read a lot of M&B’s too. Unfortunately they became too predictable. The character in your story must have mistaken a cowboy from northern Nigeria for a Texan. Our cowboys for here mumu small o.

  10. I’m hoping the character wasn’t you

  11. @estrella, wow…this is fantastic..you killed it tight. WELL DONE..if i were Ahmed and i saw you with a veneer of lip gloss suddenly, i’d probably say the same thing he said…by the way, i hope you did get the M&B kiss lol.

    i used to hate M&Bs funny enough, i was a Chase dude all the way…till i got too mature for them….

  12. LMAO! Poor Ahmed, he should have known better.
    Very funny, Estrella. And I can relate. I started reading M&B at age seven (and i have to agree with Elly, its not right for kids) My first was a medical romance – DOCTOR IN BANDAGES. But the one that got me hooked was RYAN’S RETURN. Those were the good ol’ days before blood and gore stole my heart.

  13. Hahaha This was really good! Though I do not like M & B’s myself. I read some in JS2 but got bored. They were all pretty generic. I found Harry Potter, Sydney Sheldon and JRR Tolkien then. Even Kings Solomons Mines…. I miss classic fiction…

  14. @annabella, it seems our taste converges….these same books were my type

  15. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! I love this. However, I was more like @annabella too as a kid, though that was the period I discovered Hadley Chase too, with Fredrick Forsyth( don’t ask me why, I practically read everything that came my way, including Fredrick Forsyth and the like, as an 8-year old…), Jacqueline Susan etc. Stephen King was discovered about 3 years later or so, but after reading it, I was home.
    I love the outfield play U gave us here with ur story. M&B in church? Oooohhh….I wonder the kind of sermon U were learning then…

  16. which kain dulling guy be this Ahmed self ehn? well i mean, an Ahmed! you sef no try – he didn’t pass with that name if i were some chic… wetin make u feel say he for kiss u even if you no rub am for lips, ehn?

  17. @Wrtiefight…Lol…i know right? Had a good laugh writing it myself…thanks for reading!

  18. @Idoko…don’t mind me jare! I was forming ‘i know what to do if guy try mess up’.Karate black belt made me feel confident enough to go alone to a boy’s room.Now i know better sha.black belt or no…man go do wetin e wan do! lol

  19. LMAO!!
    lip gloss because of a kiss..?
    very good for you then..
    really enjoyed the story.
    nice work.

  20. Ayo (@boringblogger)

    lol…U guys were reading all those ‘advanced’ books at that young age?? Una try o…My own na Famous Five and Secret Seven. I remember trying MacBeth once and getting confused after the first few ‘seeth thou’ and ‘where goeth thou’ lines (when no be King James version person dey read).

    In secondary school, I got hooked on James Hardley Chase. Stephen King came into my life at 16 when I read ‘Four Past Midnight’ and there’s been no looking back since then.

    @estrella…nice story and well told too. I’m sure by now you must have realised that the perfect kiss is not in the lip gloss…lol. Its when you do it with the right one that makes it ‘perfect’.

  21. i know this is just fiction and i feel bad when people comment and point to the author as the main character. i so enjoyed this work and felt like have the main character coming to me. i swear i give her not only the kiss but…. Ahmed is a good boy (i should think). lest i forget, do u mean to say: “i bluntly refused…” where u used “i blunted refused”? or am i getting smthing wrong?
    slip of keyboard i guess
    it is a very interesting story!
    i would want to read more of this M&b girl

  22. @jaywriter…’something about mary’ was an awesome movie guy…now that was is a classic comedy!

  23. @Ayo…oooohh…I was an Enid Blyton fan myself but that was way after M&B’S came into my life…I’m not much of a Stephen King fan though,give me Dean Koontz any day and I’ll be fine..the guy is sick in an awesome way!
    and yes,i have realized that the perfect kiss isn’t in the lip gloss although the brand of the lip gloss matters oh! hehehehe

    @Adams..typos,typos! I didn’t see that you know! You’ve got a keen eye…thanks for that…
    i think its normal to relate this kind of writing to the writer when you use the first person form of writing…I’m cool with it though!

  24. @Afro-prince..i also used to love eating and reading…Gawd! I still do it when i have time these days sha…as for you being the perfect candidate for an M&B kiss,like Ayo said,its the right person that makes the kiss not the technique..hehehehe

    @Elly…No child should be reading those books…frankly,it we were honest enough,its more of soft porn that a great literary read and I’ll be honored to join ya!

  25. “Far be it from me to spoil my teachers with the scandalizing pictures that characterized the covers of these precious novels!” LMAO @estrella, i like dis.alot of ladies today neva marry cos dem dey find the ‘M&B’ man. anyhow, nice one.
    @color, man u dey make enemies with all the “Ahmeds” out there o.i no feel say anything do the name tho, it means “worthy of praise”.

  26. Lol…never heard of someone growing ‘too mature for Chase’…but what do I know?
    Estrell…you are something.

  27. @Neo-lite…don’t mind color oh! I happen to think that Ahmed is a really fantastic name,bias removed of course…lol

    @seun…I am? thanks dude!

  28. lol….nice ending.i enjoyed this

  29. @Oudehi…Thanks for stopping by love!

  30. this is just amazingly hilarious for me especially the groundnut oil rant.hahaha,i am rolling on the floor laughing…well done..nah real first kiss that never happened.

  31. Hehehehe… I like this.

  32. You never told me that you’re this good. I’m impressed; you got me hooked, i had to get to the end. I guess your hours of romance with M&B is beginning to pay off. Please don’t stop writing, you are inspiring.
    What about the kiss? Tell us about ‘The Kiss”. This piece deserves a sequel. Thanks for inspiring me.

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