I am as drunk as hell. I can barely see where I am going; I stagger down the steps of the railway station, oblivious of the world, drowning in a sea of hopelessness and despair. I feel the bile rise to my mouth, I feel like throwing up but I manage to swallow down the bitter contents. My life has no more meaning to me, am just a zombie walking around aimlessly. Ever since that cruel night, the world as I know it has crumbled before my face, all around me, life has since seized to have meaning anymore. I seek solace in the merciless cold hands of death.
I check the train time; it says that the next train to come would be in 15 minutes. I think to myself in the next 15 minutes I would say bye-bye to this cruel world, full of bitterness, pain and hurt. I have made my mind up and have no regrets; I am going to jump in front of the train and end my life. I laugh bitterly alone in the darkness, my mind clouded with the alcohol in my system.
I know what you thinking, that I am insane. You probably wondering what would make a young man like me want to take his life. Let me tell you my story and then you would reason with me on my course of action.
Growing up I never really believed in falling in Love. When my younger sister Funke watched those fairy-tale cartoons of the handsome prince meeting the beautiful princess and saving her life, I usually made fun of her, laughed and called her a dreamer. You see, I was a Ladies-Man and was never really interested in a girl to settle down with her that long. My friends knew me as a Player who broke countless ladies hearts. My best mate Uche who was always my roommate in university could write you a whole chapter of girls coming to his place begging him to plead on their behalf for me to work things out with them. But as always I turned a deaf ear to their cries, already ‘’on to the next one’’ as my favourite singer Jay-z would say.
Ever since my Mom walked out on us and left my Dad with two little kids to bring up on his own, I grew up swearing to myself that I would never love another woman as long as I breathe. I grew up watching my Father turn to an emotional, alcoholic wreck all because of the love he had for a woman- my mother. My father was once a vibrant man, full of love for life, his wife and his kids. That was till he got betrayed when his so called wife, left him for a Rich Alhaji when things were difficult. My dad never recovered from this and he became a shadow of his old self. This radically changed my view of love and I vowed never to give any woman the chance to hurt me that way. My heart was mine to guard jealously like a stolen treasure.
All that changed when I met Adija, the girl with the soft brown eyes. On that fateful day, I was strolling back home after another gruelling day of lectures, you see I am in my final year at the University of Greenwich studying Philosophy. I was lost in thought, thinking about the topic we had in class, oblivious of the beautiful angel walking in my directing till I bumped into her. The books she held in her hands spilled unto the floor, scattering all around. I quickly offered my apologies and bent down to help her to pick up her items. Our fingers touched as we both grabbed the same book; it was a novel written by Chinua Achebe entitled Things Fall Apart. It was as if I got tasered when our fingers touched, her fingers felt warm and soft. I looked up and gazed into the most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen. Her eyes sparkled with warmth and the corners creased as she smiled. I immediately took in her soft red lips, the thickness of her long black hair, her lovely brown skin the colour of honey and the dimples on her face as she smiled. Her teeth reminded me of the tooth-paste adverts I had watched countless times on Television; they were straight and pearly white. I could hear my heart beating faster and faster, I was sure she could hear it too.
I quickly introduced myself as Femi and she told me her name was Adija. I asked her if she was reading the novel Things Fall Apart and she nodded in the affirmative. I told her that was my favourite African novel, that I had enjoyed reading it countless time. She told me she was reading it for one of her courses as she was studying African Literature.
From that day on me and Adija became friends and usually spent time together; having lunch, going to the movies and generally enjoying each others company. Before we both knew it, our friendship became closer and we began spending more time with each other, becoming inseparable. Slowly but surely, we began to fall in love with each other. All my heart’s resistance to love melted with this angelic like woman. She showed me what true love was and even though I tried dodging Cupid’s arrow, my shield of resistance broke into pieces with the tender love she showed me.
Uche my best mate teased me continuously when he found out that Adija and I were dating. He jokingly asked me what happened to the Femi he knew. I told him that she had cooked a delicious meal laced with the most powerful love potion, making me fall helplessly in love with her. We both laughed at the joke. Adija who sat at the corner of the room smiled and said that we guys were not serious. She was a regular visitor to my room and I had introduced her to Uche my best friend and roommate.
On the last Friday of the month, I decided to go home to see my family. I bade farewell to my love Adija and friend Uche telling them that I would be back on Monday. My sister was surprised when I told her that I was in a serious relationship and had a proper girlfriend now. You see, she never believed that my hard heart could melt with the burning fire of love.
As fate would have it, I decided to return back to campus a day earlier than planned, as I remembered I had a meeting with the Head of Department on Monday morning. I however did not tell Uche or Adija my beloved that I would be coming back.
As I walked into the campus, I had a sense of foreboding that something distasteful was about to unfold. I shrugged it off as I gaily walked towards my room. I opened the front door and walked into the room, the light was switched off. I switched it on and low and behold I saw my best mate Uche making love to a woman. I stifled a giggle, apologized and turned to leave, till I saw the girl’s face from the corner of my eye and realised that this wasn’t any other girl, this was Adija, the Love of my life, in the loving embrace of my best friend.
I was paralyzed on the spot, shocked by the events unfolding before my very eyes. Obscenities flew from my lips; my veins were filled with rage and hatred for them. How could they betray me like this? How could she pay me back for all the love I showered her? They started begging me, telling me that this was the first time and it was a mistake. I cursed both of them, called them unprintable names, picked up my bag and walked out of the house.
My perfect world was crumbling right before my very eyes. Tears of pain and anger filled my eyes and I screamed in frustration. ”Why is this happening to me”, I said over and over again in disbelief? ”How could they do this to me”, I asked myself. ”Why did I foolishly believe that true love existed”, I told myself. ”Love is nothing but pain and lies”, I vented in frustration. Life for me was too painful to live. I wanted to escape this sick, lying, back-stabbing world. I knew what to do, I would end it all.
I went into the nearest shop that sold alcohol and bought enough to drown a man. I find a deserted alley and began to drink myself out of all the misery. After countless bottles, I head toward the railway station ready to end my life.
So now you know my story and you feel my pain. Life for me has no meaning, the hurt in my heart can never be healed. I seek relief in the hands of Death. I check the time for the arrival of the train. In five minutes it would arrive. In five minutes, I would say bye-bye to this cruel world and jump in front of an oncoming train.