The Coming Of Age

The Coming Of Age

He always despised the dreary tempo of the National anthem. Yet there it was, blaring from the black and white TV set in the sitting room. He had grown accustomed to the soothing flute instrumental his father played early every morning. The sweet melody always filled him with ecstasy.  However, this morning was different.

He got off the bed and peered out of the window. All seemed alright. The bucolic scenery was intact. Yet, there was something different today. The grasses were uncharacteristically green and the goats were already out of their pens munching away.

While pondering over why the calloused hands of his father failed to shake him off his slumber this morning, he instinctively turns to the half torn calendar in his room. He heads for the sitting room where he finds no one. Where is his father and why isn’t he sitting in front of the TV set as usual? His dad’s presence before the TV has always been an inevitable part of his morning for as long as he could remember.  He shrugs the thought off even as he moves swiftly through the back door to the back of the house in search of his little brother. Still, no trace of anyone.

He runs back through the passage way and out through the front veranda but still no human presence.

Now this is becoming scary. In all his 18 years of existence; He’s never known such a feeling of foreboding like he was feeling today.

A thousand and one questions hit him. He is afraid to come up with answers especially as everything points to the negative. Better to discover than think, he resolves.

Suddenly he notices a red smear on a patch of grass. Upon closer scrutiny, he discovers that it is blood.

A scream rents the air. In panic, he suddenly makes for the wooden gate of the compound. Then again he halts. He was no coward; his father never brought him up that way.

With his last strand of courage, he approaches the front door. He enters.

The TV is still on. “God bless the Federal republic of Nigeria,’ the president declares as he wraps his Independence Day speech.

Nothing’s out of place here. Everything seems normal. Then he notices a sign just above his bedroom door post. “Today, you become a man,” it declares.

The look of horror on his face dissolves into surprise. The back door suddenly opens and his younger brother comes running towards him. Relief spreads across his entire being as he hugs him.

Then, his father appears in the doorway holding the carcass of a goat, its blood dripping on the floor.

“Happy birthday son. Today, you become a man.”

The next words would remain tattooed in his heart forever: Like Nigeria today is your independence day.  You stayed to defend your home. You passed the test.’

Just then, it flashes on the black and white TV screen, ‘October 1st, 1988, HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY.’

Comments

comments


10 thoughts on “The Coming Of Age” by Patrick Ose (@creartivity)

  1. Profile photo of Seun-Odukoya
    Seun-Odukoya (@Seun-Odukoya): Head Wordsmith - 104208 pts

    THIS IS CREATIVE…I see what you’re trying to do…I see what the intent is…but it is NOT well done. It comes across as unclear…confused…

    Watch your tenses…you’re really good.

  2. Profile photo of Lawal Opeyemi Isaac
    Lawal Opeyemi Isaac (@easylife2): Scribe - 11283 pts

    This is really good Patrick, except for the tenses.You started with past tense but switched to the present as the story progressed.
    Well done!!!

  3. Profile photo of 2cute4u
    2cute4u (@2cute4u): Junior Writer - 3714 pts

    Got lost somewhere.. You didn’t get your theme across.

  4. Profile photo of Lade
    Lade (@Lade-A): Scribe - 12746 pts

    As Seun said – very creative. Work on those tenses though.

  5. Profile photo of Emmanuella Nduonofit
    Emmanuella Nduonofit (@Emmanuella-Nduonofit): Wordsmith - 39002 pts

    Em, Mr.Ose, was it deliberate, switching from past to present tense as @Seun, @Lawal and @Lade noticed? @2cute4u, I think Patrick prefers to tell us about he became a ‘man’ on the day naija was born. It’s a form of memoir, you get? Patrick, I commend the suspense you created here sha. Wait, let me ask because I was a teenager in 1988: So black-and-white TV was reigning during that time abi? Na wa, o! E mean say such TVs reside in wooden boxes. I guess the setting of this flash story was a suburban area, in a town, definitely not a capital city.

    Nice attempt, Patrick. Keep it up!

  6. Profile photo of Uche Okonkwo
    Uche Okonkwo (@Uche): Writer - 8551 pts

    Watch the tenses. Well done.

  7. Profile photo of abby
    abby (@abby): Junior Writer - 3532 pts

    I got what you were trying to achieve at the penultimate paragraph. Like Seun, I have to commend the effort you put into this but it really wasn’t well done. You can guess at that from the comments.

    And there was the tense issue as well. But you get points for trying. Well done!

  8. Profile photo of RemiRoy
    RemiRoy (@RemiRoy): Writer - 8695 pts

    Nice work. earlier observations shld be taken into consideration tho.
    well done!

  9. Profile photo of Jaywriter
    Jaywriter (@jaywriter): Junior Writer - 1918 pts

    Think the story worked well for. Kinda got the message and all.

  10. Profile photo of mikeeffa
    mikeeffa (@mikeeffa): Writer - 8257 pts

    mr patrick is passing on a message and he decided to come from two directions- when reading the story i think we should put ourselves in the place of the character to really get the feeling. well done and you can do better.

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