An altered (without my permission – rant for another day on my blog) version of this was posted on Bella Naija on 9.17.2010. I have decided thus to share the original piece in all its glory with the NS family. Enjoy!
“I’ve been quite occupied with a number of I-refuse-to-grow-up-and-live-the-real-life time-consuming activities but the other day, I was able to carve out some time (with a knife I stole from Father Time, no less) to watch this relatively old movie – How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.
I’m not a huge fan of this movie which stars Kate Hudson and Matt Forever-Shirtless McConaughey (for some reason, I suspect he has a malodorous body scent. Don’t ask me why!).
But yeah, back to the movie. I know it’s supposed to be lighthearted fare for those who are cynical and weary of life and love, and who sometimes like to escape into meaningless fantasy but cammon, this movie uses serious style to stretch the limits of our feeble imagination. And how!
Let’s forget the fact that the plot of the entire movie is pretty much about the main characters pretending to be who they are not in order to win a bet and yet, still supposedly falling in love with each other. So then, is Kate in love with the sweet, loving guy that Matt is pretending to be, or the womanizing bastard he actually is? And does Matt fall in love with the brainless, spineless and clueless bimbo Kate is pretending to be or her real self, which we never even get to really know anyway? Je suis perplexe.
But anyway, my real beef with the plot: ten days?!
Ten days to lose one lousy son of Adam? In this short life of strife and sin? Tufia! Such patience and longsuffering!
Look, leave story, let me present to you the accomplished way to accomplish this same feat in less than 60 seconds…
1. BE AVAILABLE. Very available. After all, no matter much a guy swears that he cannot condone fronting of any sort, he still lives for that chase-and-catch in moderate measure. He awakes you from a lusty dream at four in the morning, demanding eba and egusi to be delivered to his house which is ten miles away? You’ll be there. He needs his laundry done at six the next morning? You’ll be there. He needs you to wipe his ass after a particularly grueling battle with the toilet seat? You’ll be thereeeeee, won’t you? Stick to this and his “isn’t-she-so-sweet-selfless-and-caring?” shtick will be transformed to “but-really-what-kind-of-ode-is-this?” in no time.
2. TELL ALL. You see, nothing intrigues a guy more than the thing he does not know. Why do you think guys spend all their time taking things apart? Personally, I’ve never met a guy who has taken something apart and managed to put it all back together, Daddy included. *flash-back to memories of my toy radio*
Ahem, as I was saying, exercise your right to free speech until you become extremely “un-mysterious” and boring. Does he really need to know what color your snot is when you blow your nose? Yes, my friend, he does.
3. CRY. Cry all the time. Cry even when there’s absolutely nothing to cry about. Just cry. Cry blood. This one is very simple. There is just something about the tears of a woman that turns bodyguard Samson to mai’guard Mukaila. Powerful stuff.
4. EAT OLD-SCHOOL STYLE. Eat with your mouth. Loud noises and grunts of enjoyment are all encouraged. Do not hesitate to pick at that stubborn piece of meat stuck between your incisors with your fingers. Lick your lips after every bite. Gargle after every swallow. Palm oil smears, etc, etc. You go, girl! Who is your daddy? Australopithecus Africanus (ref. Britannia Encyclopedia for pictures).
5. TELL LIES. As in those bold-faced it-doesn’t-get-any-redder-than-the-red-on-my-hands kind of lies. You see, men are so used to lying with stealth and crafty cunning that it completely unnerves them to run into someone who lies without tact like,
Boy: what was he doing here, boo?
You: Oh, honey, I was just showing him a notch on the bedpost, you get me?
He gets you.
6. KISS LIKE A WATERSPOUT. Be a gushing fountain. Nooo, not down there, stupid – down there is fine! But yes, up there, that’s right – be copious and overly generous in your offering of spittle. Deliver beyond your fair share. After all, the well of saliva is always in abundance, it never runneth out.
Keep in mind that you are screwed if homeboy’s a greenhorn or just a generally bad kisser, in which case the surplus of saliva might not be so unusual to him. In fact, it might even be encouraging. In such a situation, all I have to say to you is…viva la spita!
7. THE SAY-SOMN-ABOUT-MY-MAMA-CHALLENGE. If you have balls, you can always just attack that very weird bond between mother and son. Seldom used. Wisely so. You are on your own.
Well, you say, what if you have exhausted this very promising list of options? What if you have a Die-Hard Part XIII on your hands? The clock is ticking and just like the proverbial tree planted by the water, homeboy will just not be moved. What to do?
Well, we pull out the big guns. Get serious, we are not playing anymore.
The ultimate solution: KISS AND TELL. The less subtle ones among us will refer to this Technical Knock-Out as CHEAT AND FLAUNT.
Believe me, daughters of Abraham…there is no Phensic (alias Panadol, Motrin, Tylenol, Morphine, Valium – for the strong-hearted, etc, etc.) that can relieve the headache of a man who’s been made a fool of. He will be gone in less than 60 seconds, talk less of a day.
Disclaimer: This production has been brought to you by larabrown&fantasreality.com. We cannot be held responsible for any adverse actions brought about by a faithful subscription to the ideals published in this article. Be wise.”
Copyright Lara Brown, 2010