The Man with the Golden Gun- Memoirs of ablackjamesbond

The Man with the Golden Gun- Memoirs of ablackjamesbond

My Mum, Iya Segun, can be too frank. If she had something to say, she said it without any recourse to who might be listening to her [who probably shouldn’t hear what she had to say in the first place]. If she felt a need to correct you or tell you something, she did so anywhere, anytime, most times, without thinking she might be embarrassing you. As a young boy, I had to put up with a lot of ‘verbal abuse’, that as some point I used to doubt if my Mum loved me. But as I grew up I began to understand that it wasn’t that she didn’t love me, she just wanted me to change some of my ways and she felt that saying all those things she used to say would make me listen to her more.

While growing up, I was fond of leaving my mouth opened while watching TV or listening to someone talk. I wasn’t doing it intentionally but I just couldn’t help it. That used to get to my Mum a lot. She would tap my lower lip to tell me to close my mouth. Although that used to be so painful, but it was nothing compared to her calling names because of it. I can remember those names clearly even now. Her favorite was ‘elete momorimomo’ [mammoth lips] and I don’t have big lips, at least I think so ;)

There were times when she would say ‘Broda yo l’oke, eyin la ko ri’ [I am finding it difficult to translate that but I think it means that my teeth is what you first notice when you see me approaching]. That used to be painful too.

As I grew up though, those words didn’t matter anymore; in fact, my Mum and I used to joke about it all the time as I got older and more matured and gained better control of my mouth muscles.

But nothing Maami said in the open can be compared in gravity to what she discussed with you in the ‘closet’. If Maami woke you up at 12 midnight to discuss an issue, then you knew there was something really serious happening and she wanted your full attention and subsequent quick action on that matter. Those midnight conversations usually started with:

Se emi ni iya e [Am I your mother?]

Once she started like that, you knew you were in big trouble.

I had one such conversation with her one fateful day, although this conversation didn’t happen at the stroke of midnight, I knew it was as important as any other that Maami had called for in the past.

Let me give you some background into that conversation. A few weeks before then, my Mum had complained, openly, that I was receiving too many female visitors at home. She went on and on about how I disappear into my room with these ladies and never come out until hours later and she didn’t know what we were always doing in my room and that at my age I shouldn’t make ‘chasing’ women my priority.

Obviously that didn’t seem to have worked. How could it? I was on a roll [so I thought].

When my Maami noticed that the initial approach didn’t work, she resorted to a different method- the ‘Am I your Mother’ type.

Maami: Ablackjamesbond, sit down; I want to talk to you.

Me: Yes, Maami

Maami, Am I your mother?

Me: Yes Ma

Maami: I don’t think so. Because, if that were so, when I talk to you, you would listen.

Me: I listen to you Maami

Maami: Really? Ok, if you do, then how come I hear these girls still come to visit you whenever I am out of the house? Are you ready to father a child?

Me: Maami, they have stopped coming o. Nothing like what you are thinking is happening. Moreover, they are just my friends.

Maami: Gbe’nu dake! O tun paro fun mi [Keep quiet! How dare you lie to me?],
Are you the only male friend they have? Are you the only boy in this neighborhood?
Se iwo nikan ni o’loko ni adugbo yi ni? [Are you the only one with a penis in this neighborhood?]

Me: [At a loss for words, and shocked to hear Maami’s last statement]…rara Ma [no Ma]

While she was talking, we heard someone knock the gate.

Maami: Who is that?

Female Voices: Good afternoon Ma, please we are here to see Ablackjamesbond.

Maami rolled her eyes at me, sighed deeply and walked into her room.

14 thoughts on “The Man with the Golden Gun- Memoirs of ablackjamesbond” by tobicoker (@tobicoker)

  1. Lol!
    Thats what i call ‘caught with your hand in the cookie jar’.
    Way to go, Tobi. Please keep the memoirs coming.

  2. ama loving this!
    ‘Elete momorimomo’? Looool!
    keep ’em coming Tobi! :)

  3. Hhehehehehehheh, funny..
    Really it is..
    Enjoyed reading your piece..

  4. Stuck in the art of denial hey…love this….Waiting for more….

  5. Ablackjamesbond indeed. You try but your Mom’s the real bomb oh. I know I’ll be shocked speechless if my Dad said anything to that effect. Haba.

    We also had the ‘mouth opening’ phenomenon growing up and we got our lips duly tapped. However, no one ever admitted to it; maybe because we did ours whilst sleeping, so my older bro used his gift to nab the guilty; he drew the most vehement protester of us all whilst she slept with an open mouth. That put paid to the entire drama. lol

    Forgive my ignorance though; what’s the golden gun?

  6. lol! Still LOLing!

  7. Lol.

    Blackjamesbond, na you biko. This is so hilarious. Especially this part:

    “Se iwo nikan ni o’loko ni adugbo yi ni? [Are you the only one with a penis in this neighborhood?]”

    Me i want more o.

  8. haven’t read a more humourous piece than this recently. Thumbs up Tobi!

  9. Meena-Adekoya (@Olajumoke-Adekoya)

    Blackjamesbond’s mum is a super iron lady oh…still laughing

  10. Thanks for that wink,yea you don’t have mammoth lips,sheh?
    Really love this,I love the way you write,I haven’t recovered from Ibukun oh,you’re simply amazing,I’ve learnt so much yoruba on this site,thanks to you.
    You rock

  11. I am sooo loving your mum…. Very hilarious blackjamesbond, well done!

  12. ha ha ha
    real funny one
    hoping for more.

  13. this is real cool. i know wat u mean abt ur mum calling u for a talk. my mum does that a lot. she knocks d door of my room (which she never does on a good day), sits on my bed and asks in yoruba “why dont you have a boyfriend yet? arent they asking you?” i guess she wants to know if she shd take my matter to the

  14. “Forgive my ignorance though; what’s the golden gun?”
    @Abby I’ll say there’s one line that will answer that
    “Se iwo nikan ni o’loko ni adugbo yi ni? [Are you the only one with a penis in this neighborhood?]”
    Really funny piece, keep the memoirs rolling.

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