It’s A Pity (…chapter 10, tart series)

It’s A Pity (…chapter 10, tart series)

I can’t remember the last time I was THIS pissed and close to blowing off the head of a human being!!! DAMN! What could possibly be the matter, huh?!

GADDEM PADDY!

Gosh, I just realized I don’t even know his last name! How can I not know his last name? How could I have kissed – ugh – a nameless nobody?! I’m the queen of last names! I am so bloody anal when it comes to last names. My mother ingrained it in me. If I don’t know someone’s last name, I refuse to add them in my phonebook, yes, that bad!

Well, GADDEM PADDY NO-NAME!

Okay, so I was chatting with Dunni earlier this evening and our convo went something like this:

SN: Think BIG -> Hiiiiiiiii!

(Yea, sure, Dunni, like you know how to think at all, but sure, whatever)

SN: Femme Fatale -> Hey hon, sup?

SN: Think BIG -> not much oh. I’m just trying to catch up on homework and I have to meet with the guys from ASA later on

SN: Femme Fatale -> Oh right. Good stuff.

SN: Think BIG -> Yep. Any plans for this weekend?

SN: Femme Fatale -> Not really, I don’t think. You?

SN: Think BIG -> Well, after the ASA meeting, a couple of us are planning to go to the movies. Tunde offered to pay for me, which is the only reason I’m going! Lol.

SN: Femme Fatale -> Good stuff.

(Okay, she’s boring me now; this is why I always stay offline. I just happened to be sending a file to one of the guys in class. Sigh. The good part comes now though.)

SN: Think BIG -> Come with us now! I mean, you’re not doing anything.

SN: Femme Fatale -> Nah, mayne. Work dey.

SN: Think BIG -> Yea right, like you’ll get to do any of it. Come jo! There aren’t too many of us, just me, Tunde, Faramade, Johnson, Rick, Paddy, Paddy’s girlfriend and Bomo.

PAUSE.

Hm. First off, she claims there aren’t too many of them and goes on to list like what…eight names?! Second, Paddy’s WHAT?!!!!!

PLAY

SN: Femme Fatale -> Paddy? Who’s Paddy?

(Yea, I need to play dumb if I’m going to weasel anything out of Dunni.)

SN: Think BIG -> Ah – ah, Paddy now. I introduced to him that day when Tunde and I went to get food for that ASA event last Wednesday.

SN: Femme Fatale -> Oh right.

(She’ll spill now.)

SN: Think BIG -> Yea; his babe is coming out too, surprisingly.

SN: Femme Fatale -> Lol, surprisingly?

SN: Think BIG -> Lol. Well, I mean, she never hangs out with his Naija people, usually.

SN: Femme Fatale -> She’s not Nigerian?

SN: Think BIG -> No, she’s Liberian but she was born and brought up here.

SN: Femme Fatale -> Oh okay, cool.

SN: Think BIG -> Yea. I mean, she’s okay but she’s stuck up. They are so weird together but dude really likes her, apparently.

(Oh, wow! Tell me something. I resist the urge to type in the icon with rolling eyes.)

SN: Femme Fatale -> Good for him.

SN: Think BIG -> they’ve been together for a couple of months now. Oh, remember Teni?!

SN: Femme Fatale -> Teni?

SN: Think BIG -> Yeah, from Q.C. She’s in London now, remember?

SN: Femme Fatale -> Disun’s cousin?

SN: Think BIG -> Yep! They dated too, her and Paddy.

SN: Femme Fatale -> Long-distance?

SN: Think BIG -> Yes oh, she was in London and he was here. They dated for like two years, mad serious. She cheated on him and he broke up with her. Heard she’s yet to get over him, like even now he’s dating someone else, she’s still on his case. Who cheats on a guy like him anyway?! The guy is certified hotness, on mad pay, working and doing his master’s at the same time and he’s only twenty-four. I mean, ki lo tun fe?!

SN: Femme Fatale -> Lol. Oh well.

SN: Think BIG -> O ga. Girls and guys. Anyway, I have to go now sha. I will holler later today, okay?

SN: Femme Fatale -> No doubt. x

OKAY! I KNOW homeboy did not kiss me, knowing full well he has a bloody girlfriend! Is he crazy?! What the hell am I being taken for?! God, I knew this guy was a bloody prick; all the damn signs were there! OMG. I can’t even tell ‘Layode this now. Oh, screw that, I’m going to have to. I can’t keep this to myself.

Add insult to injury, the idiot hasn’t even called me since that day. I mean, I think there is some kind of protocol to adhere to when you kiss a girl or something. Okay, so a kiss is a kiss is just a kiss and it doesn’t automatically translate into both of us hooking up but still, isn’t that like the proper thing for a guy to do?! Granted, I didn’t give him my number but I didn’t give him my apartment number the day he came over, did I?!

OMG, and he dated Teni?! Who dates Teni?! WHO?!! I wouldn’t piss on that disease-ridden child if she were on hell’s own sulfur fire for fear of contagion!

I am so fucking pissed now. Like really, what do I have to do to get respect around here?! The bloody hell?!

Oh, Mr. Committed, are we?! Okay, I know how to deal with you. Omo Ale is right. HISS.

*Breath In, Breath Out*

Anyway, Mommy called. She’s going to Dubai for a business deal. Right. I bet more than my bottom dollar that ‘Uncle Alfred’ will be waiting to uphold his end of the business over there. Uncle Alfred is Mommy’s latest paramour. He is a divorcee in his mid-fifties and he is quite handsome for his age. Well, go Mommy, whatever you might want to say about her, she has impeccable taste. I mean, as much as I am so ambivalent about my father, I can see the attraction his looks hold for all these women.

But yea, I met ‘Uncle Alfred’ when I went home to Nigeria last Christmas. Surprisingly, he and ‘Dewale got along very well, which is another reason I don’t mind him. ‘Dewale never likes any of my mother’s supposed male friends, so it means Uncle Alfred must be a dime. And he is though, very generousJ , laughs a lot and the way Mommy would light up whenever he came around did something good to my insides.

People always find it weird when I talk about things like this like they are normal. I remember saying offhandedly to one of my flat mates (and my very good friend) in my junior year that my mom’s boyfriend then was getting on my nerves and she got all out of sorts in confusion.

Normally, people get really uncomfortable and either pretend like they think it’s normal too or they just feign ignorance – not Helen though! This outspoken Creole child called me the hell out! (I miss her!!! She moved back in with her family in Georgia when her mother fell ill). Recap:

Helen: HUH? Your mother’s what?

Me: Haha. Boyfriend.

Helen: I thought your momma was married, eh?

Me: (laughing) She is.

Helen: To her boyfriend, or your father? Or is he both?

By this time, Toya, our other roommate, was pretending she was passionately engrossed in an online conversation on her laptop.

Me: Nope. She’s married to my father.

Helen: But she’s got a boyfriend

Me: Yea.

Helen: And your dad knows, huh? They’ve got an open relationship?

That was actually a good question. I have never been sure if my father was aware of my mom’s affairs but please, even if, who was he to point fingers?!

Me: Well, I really don’t know. I mean, even if he did, I don’t think he would mind, unless she was obvious about it, maybe?

Helen: (staring at me in awe) Y’all are a bunch of weirdoes, no offence.

Me: (laughing) I know.

Lol. Ah, well. The way I see this life, we are all a little insane, some of us a little more than others, that’s all.

But yea, Mommy gets to go to Dubai and I want to go too and I got so jealous hearing the excitement in her voice. Yea, business. Mmhmm.

Apparently, my father is coming over to the States next week. Damn. I have to see him if he does. I only saw him once this past Christmas when I went home because he was in Abuja most of the time on business too. Yea, good old business. SMH.

Really, it’s a wonder I am not more fucked up than I am. Then again…

Ha!

It’s a pity you already have a wife
And me done have a man inna mi life
Rude boy it’s such a pity
I say it is such a pity you already have yuh wife
And me have a one man inna mi life
Rude boy it is a pity

Tanya Stephens

It’s A Pity

(Aside: You can check my blog for the chapter 9 I skipped if you’re so inclined :), hint, hint :p)



35 thoughts on “It’s A Pity (…chapter 10, tart series)” by Lara B. (@larabrown)

  1. Lara B! Long time no hear!…Just had to say this, going back up to read the story now.

  2. ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! Heading to your site now for Part 9….This series is the ‘ish’!! didn’t know how much I had missed her sassiness until now….Great job Lara B

    1. Hiiiii, Mercy!!! Yes, I have been awol for a bit but I’m back, wheee! Thanks for your comment! Don’t worry, you didn’t miss much in Part 9. It was just a slower chapter than normal and I know how NS folks love ’em their “happening” scenes :p!

  3. “I bet more than my bottom dollar that ‘Uncle Alfred’ will be waiting to uphold his end of the business over there.”

    One song I can listen to 100 straight times has “bottom dollar” in it. Just googled it.

    “Ah, well. The way I see this life, we are all a little insane, some of us a little more than others, that’s all.” Strongly support the above speaker. Some of us are still a little further ahead, you forgot to mention them.

    Loved the story cum article. The main character is very lovable. Think the story can go in many directions. So are you continuing with other parts.

    Very good job.

  4. Or have I missed previous parts? Will definitely check the blog.

    1. Thanks, Jaywriter! Yea, I’ve had previous parts up on NS…I’ve just been a lazy bee for the past couple of weeks since the last chapter I turned in here.

  5. Read Chapter 9…Okay tell me she was joking about the Rent-a-ghost guys being gay…Not Mr Claypole or Mr. Mumford and certainly not Mr. Davenport..lol

    Love the new look of your site too..

  6. Meena-Adekoya (@Olajumoke-Adekoya)

    Mehn! i have missed the “tart series” so good to have her tarty self back on here…going to ur site to read chapter 9 after commenting…this has a Bridget Jones diary feel to it, i have been meaning to say that…and i loooooooove Bridget Jones diary!

    1. The tart welcomes you back too, Meena! Thanks for keeping up! :)

  7. Aaaah! Feels so good to have my dose of tart again after all these days. Miss B, hasn’t anyone ever told you not to deprive a junkie her fix? Now i need a double up my veins. Your blog, there i go . . . .

    1. Lol, Lade! Hope you enjoyed your double fix! :)

  8. Just back from your blog. St Clare, Mallory Towers, Famous Five (i named my dog Timmy) etc. I watched Voltron, Super Ted, Dr Who etc. Good ol’ days indeed!

    1. Loved St. Claire and Mallory Towers, tried unsuccessfully to imitate the girls when I was in secondary school..lol

  9. bet your bottom dollar,yea that song jay sings 100 times is my fave song too,I could sing it on and on,nice one,been reading the tart series and I love it.

    1. Thanks, gretel! Keep reading, please! :)

  10. ………………….INLOVE……………………………………………WITHATART………………WITHTHETART……………………WITHTHEART…………………………………..WHATEVER…………………………………ILIKE………………………….LOVEYOUSMALL!…………………

  11. Lolll, Seun-Odukoya! That’s all! :p

  12. Lara.B, welcome back. Not fair to leave your fans hanging, you know right?
    I love this as usual, well done girl.
    Sighted some sneaky stuff in the post though, do mind those, will ya?
    On your blog; it does have a nice look.
    Hmmm “Whispers of a Tart with the Blood-Red Lips” Hmmm

    1. Thanks, abby! I’ll try and be more regular now. Ohhhh, what sneaky stuff? Please do point out so I can fix in the future! :)

  13. lol @ your list. I remember having watched/read quite a bit myself:

    “Enid Blyton! Famous Five, The Wishing Chair, The Faraway Tree, The Three Golliwogs, Amelia Jane, Mallory Towers series!
    Rent-A-Ghost and Doctor. Who too! Weird shows. I concur.
    Stupid NTA cartoons and Mexican soap shows. Think…Fraggle Rock! Super Ted! No One But You! Wild Rose! LMAO! Good old days.” lol girl

  14. @Lara B, your series are quite captivating … hmm … let me go to the former chapters so I can have a feel of it first before really viewing my thoughts … (… & boomingsols runs off to search).

    Nice work!

    1. Thanks, boomingsols! Happy reading! :)

  15. Ah-ah now, wheres part 9? how do I get on your blog now? Look what you’ve done to me with your tart series!

    SMH

    1. Lolll! Thanks for catching up,Uche! Saw your comments on my previous chapters :)
      My blog: http://www.thetartseries.wordpress.com

      1. Yay! I’ve gone and read part 9, thanks. Can’t wait for part 11.

  16. Missed the tart! Welcome back! Love ur chic- such a weirdo, u dont know if u shld hug her or wash her mouth with soap! Will visit ur blog!

    1. Thanks, ce ug! Please do! :)

  17. welcome back Lara,missed the tart too and i am loving this one as usual.
    hope it keeps on coming.

    1. Thanks, Anderson!

      1. you are welcome Lara,i hope more is coming soon.

  18. Lara, nice read, went back to read some of your other work,
    quite good work

    1. Thanks, hajira1!

  19. … hmm … tart series … I’m still on it o … just hold-on till I’m through (so much interruptions from this side) lol.

  20. What a complicated bunch

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