Me and My Women

I am now convinced that I am going to die single.

Growing up, I had been tutored to have high demands when it came to women. I was encouraged not to ‘settle’. So, as early as JSS3, I had made up my list of requirements. Whoever would be my main squeeze had to have the following exact characteristics:

1) Pretty face. Females who were ogres in their former lives were advised to stay far. Very far.
2) Hot figure. Something of a mix between Eva Longoria and Beyonce.
3) Height. Pygmies not welcome.
4) Fair complexion. This particular idiosyncrasy was handed down from Dad: you should see my mother.
5) Ample bosom. I’m a big dude with man-boobs. We shouldn’t be competing!

But you see, dear readers, I met Jennifer during my first year of university. She had all but number 4. Her chocolate complexion was exquisite. I fell in lust instantly (she dumped me after I farted in bed). Anyway, I had then realized that I could date dark chicks. Awesome. Then I met Bimbo who kind of looked like a bimbo. However, she was missing numbers 3 and 4. Our relationship went down the drain after she caught me ogling at her mother. What? Don’t judge. The woman had all 5! But she also had her blasted husband’s stupid wedding ring. Aaaaargh…

It all went downhill from there. Eno, while of average height, was shaped like a pedestrian bridge: straight and narrow. Daphne made me rethink item 5. She put the ‘2’ in too much. The Jews could have hidden from Hitler’s Nazis in her cleavage!

I once dated a girl called Ugochi. Ugochi was not ugly. Rather, ugly WAS Ugochi. The day her ‘jazz’ wore off, I texted her to end our fling. Rubbish.

Recently, I finally let go of my precepts. I made but one new rule: conversation. I wanted a woman I could talk to. All my friends lauded the new and improved me. I had indeed matured, they all said.
And so I happened upon Ingrid. She was a colleague at work. And – you guessed it – she had all five. Plus, she was single. How ironic that I should meet the girl of my dreams AFTER I’d contrived to trash those prerequisites. I’d only seen her a few times when she came to our floor and… my oh my: she was stunning! First she was half caste, and then her figure was to die for. On top of that, she was at least 5feet 10inches.

I once snuck a peek while she was talking to Clinton (another colleague). I couldn’t make out what she was saying from where I stood but I figured she must be a pretty powerful orator because Clinton clearly had tears in his eyes. Amazing! What could make such a macho man cry? If my curiosity was piqued before, I was nearing obsession by now. It seemed my search was finally over. I couldn’t wait to meet Ingrid and have terrific conversations with this intelligent, hot girl.

My chance came soon enough.
One day, I spotted her at an eatery my colleagues and I frequented during lunch breaks. I was about to order when our eyes clashed. I ignored the attendant and walked over to where she sat.
“Hi”, I started, “my name is Chris and I’ve been dying to meet you.” By the time she was done replying, I was weeping like Clinton. She said:
“Hello Chris. I’m Ingrid. Let me start by apologizing. I have a birth defect which accounts for my incurable, tear inducing halitosis…” I wiped my face without bothering to hear more and trudged back to the counter.
See why I wrote the first line?

39 thoughts on “Me and My Women” by cikko907 (@cikko907)

  1. LMAO! Poor you. Maybe its time to broaden your search to include men. Seeing as how the female search aint successful.

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by bethaniey juine and Jeff Zerr, Myne Whitman. Myne Whitman said: New Story – Me and My Women #flash #funny #romance #cikko907 […]

  3. why? what’s wrong with Ingrid?
    she fits the profile mate!

    This is funny!

  4. Haha sorry men, u might wanna go the way Lade mentioned; that being if you can handle that. lol

    Really nice writing. Tear-inducing what? Noo, not gonna work. She’s gonna turn you into a crying sissy. lol

  5. Emm excuse me, requirement number 5: You had that (man boobs) at Jss 3? lol

  6. Ugo Chime (@Flourishing-Florida)

    hahahahahahaha @lade! wicked!

    @remiroy: abeg, u may need to explain to me wetin do Ingrid. na because say she no sabi hold a conversation?

  7. LMAO!! I don’t know what to say to this! Hilarious!! Chai! Short, precise with a mind blowing surprising ending!

    woooa! you made my day with this farce! And your last liner, the final clincher – ‘See why I wrote the first line?’ Classic!

  8. Emmanuella Nduonofit (@Emmanuella-Nduonofit)

    With a few brush-ups, this flash can be a good one. I like the effort put into it. Good work!

  9. @Cikko907,

    Very funny indeed. Although I see a clash of requirements: surely having #2 means you should have #5?

    Interesting point about how difficult it is to satisfy wants. It’s funny how those wants are much more indiscriminate and plentiful when you’re younger, then drop off and get weeded out the older you get.

  10. That seems one tearjerking tale is this tale of yours
    well wishing you luck looking for the unattainable

  11. @Lade: if i catch you ehn!
    @RemiRoy: would u prefer i dash you? Whatever driver you nuts bro, whatever…
    @Afronuts: glad to have made your day!
    @Abby: i was BORN with man-boobs. They just grew less cute wit age.
    @TolaO: no conflict there o! E.g. Eva Longoria doesn’t have a huge rack… but she’s still SMOKING! Same for Ali Larter (if you’ve seen “Heroes” the Tv show)

  12. Meena-Adekoya (@Olajumoke-Adekoya)

    this piece still makes me laugh…someone should write a comeback for the male folk…

    1. Meena, you are the one with the magic touch oh. Please do the honors.

  13. LOL!!! This is HILARIOUS! Loved every bit of it!
    Poor ingrid! She is like a walking onion! LOL!
    oh…and poor you too!

  14. ‘Height. Pygmies not welcome.’ Dude! :O Harsh! But oh so funny. Love it! Love it!
    @Meena- I agree with you! Please take up the mantle and strike back at cikko! :D

  15. Bravo! U got my 10pts!

  16. This is really funny.My two favorite lines”shaped like a pedestrian bridge…” and “ugly was Ugochi”. I like the twist at the end,it’s priceless.I would just find another analogy for Daphne’s cleavage that wouldn’t involve World War II,it was kind of a downer for me. ;0)

  17. Hilarious!!! Very witty, very upbeat, not a dull moment…Love it!!!

  18. Thank you for the points and the VERY useful suggestions. Always happy to please. Sorry the World War 2 reference unsettled someone. Not my intention.
    @Meena-Adekoya: feel free to reply. I’d personally love to read that.

  19. Mazi Nwonwu (@Fredrick-chiagozie-Nwonwu)

    I loved this piece to bits. How can someone have a tear inducing halitosis? For me, that was the blast. Good job man. I can see all I missed with my three weeks hiatus from this site. Good laff man!

  20. Just had to come back and make another comment. I got thinking over this flash fiction and I realized it could be made into a short animation or graphic movie…

    lol…my head is running off with ideas again

    1. Don’t worry. I’ll hook you up with Mr. Spielberg’s number…

  21. Funny stuff. I like the way you took me back to the beginning

  22. Thanks, Zino!

  23. @Zino…I did go back too and since i didnt know what halotosis meant, had to google that also..hehehehehe…very nice and witty story.

  24. very nice,kinda funny too.

  25. Thanks Anderson!

  26. Delicious!I guess we really can’t have it all…’ugly was ugochi’ cracked me up nicely.
    Thumbs up!!!

  27. You sir,are one hell of a writer! I loved this! Hehehehe…plenty laughs all the way…oh! and about that fart…something tells me you did that deliberately so she would dump you…you sounded like you wre tired of her ass already! Don’t give up on the search love..she’s boudn to waltz in one day and steal your heart! lol!

  28. Cool and interesting

  29. funny story, wrong perception.

  30. LWKMD!!!U too funny!

  31. Cikko is a sickling.

    Sick indeedy.

    1. Presy….take am easy ooo!! This story funny sha!

      Good 1

  32. Funny one here!

  33. awesome… I loved every line, well done

  34. You are so funny! My advice is you shld not give up! Your Perfect ‘Mrs’ cometh soon!

  35. Very funny…hope u have met you missing rib by now

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