A Beautiful Thing

A Beautiful Thing

‘Deke dailed the number as she alighted from the cab; he picked on the third ring.

“Hello, evening.”

“Evening sir, I am ‘Deke Makinde. Chief ‘Loleseungbogbo sent me.”

“Good. Where are you now?”

“Right outside Chevron Country Club sir.”

“Will meet you at the security post in a minute.”

“Alright sir.”

Soon they were seated at the reception, he had called Sam, one of the kitchen staff to get her something to eat or drink. He watched her as she declined Sam’s offer.

“Pardon my bluntness, err Miss/Mrs Makinde?

“‘Deke.”

“‘Deke. Do pardon my bluntness, but when the Chief mentioned he would be sending one of his staff to discuss the proposal, I assumed the person would be older. You only look all of 25.”

“Sir, I am certain that Chief is confident of my ability to handle this meeting. I believe he wouldn’t ask me to do this if he is in doubt of my capabilities.”

“I see you did not deny the age bit.”

“If I may sir, how old are you?”

He was shocked and mumbled through his answer. He looked at her and seeing that she continued to look unblinking at him said, “32”

“Well sir, you are not that much older than I am. I believe we can proceed now.”

“Yes of course” he responded.

An hour and a half later, they rose, bode each other good night and follow-up correspondences the next day. They walked out together and only then realised it had been raining.

“Are you mobile?” He asked

“No sir.”

“Please ‘Deke, Mofe will do. Where are you headed? I might be of some assistance.”

“I am headed to Berger.” ‘Deke replies

“Good. Hop in then. I am headed to Ojodu.” He says as he moves to get the door for her.

“Oh thank you Mofe.”

They fell into a light conversation on the way: home, family, work, religious inclinations, schooling…so much so by the time he dropped her off at her doorstep, they both knew quite a bit about each other.

“Thank you Mofe”, ‘Deke said as she made to alight.

“Hold it”, said Mofe and came around to get the door for her. “I was brought up this way”, he said in response to the question in her smile.

“Well, thank you and…” she began but was cut off by her phone ringing. “Excuse me”, she said. Mofe nodded.

It was her younger brother calling to tell her he borrowed her car and had to make a quick stop at their parents’ home at Ibadan. He would return it on Sunday.

“Tomorrow is Friday!” She lamented, “How on earth am I to get to the office?” She queried and he apologised. Soon afterwards, she dropped the call.

“I could pick you up tomorrow, if you don’t mind.” Mofe offered

“Oh no please, I can sort myself out. You have done much already. Thank you for offering.”

“Okay then but I must add; I wish my sis let me off taking her car out for a spin this easily. Your brother is a lucky dude.” He smiled at her. “Good night.”

“Good night to you too.”

She watched him drive away before going in.

*

Mofe had a couple more dealings with Chief ‘Loleseungbogbo. Sometimes, he saw ‘Deke but he was able to call her as they had exchanged business cards the first day. He liked her and wouldn’t have minded taking things a notch higher if she hadn’t emphatically told him she didn’t mix business with pleasure. He was soon to call her sparingly.

*

She’d hardly walked into the eatery to await her Sister; they had plans for Balogun Market, when she heard a loud voice scream: “AUNTY ‘DEKE!” and saw her little niece running up to her. Her sis was here already! She scooped up the little girl and spun her around until she screamed some more. She then sat at the table with them and after chatting awhile, they got up to leave. She came back in some minutes later to snatch up her phone she’d left on the table and ended up bumping into a couple: an elderly couple.

“OMG, I am sooo sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going. Are you hurt?” She asked

“Oh, isn’t she cute?” the lady giggled to her husband. “Relax dear, we are great. Unless of course, this old man here is….”

“Hey, who are you calling old?” Her husband interrupted and they began to tease each other. ‘Deke smiled and told them she was glad they were alright but had to go when…

“Mom, Dad, c’mon let’s go.” A voice called. She looked up and into Mofe’s eyes; he smiled. She smiled too, taking in the scenario. “My parents”, he mouthed and she nodded.

“Mofe, look who we found. She’s a really nice girl. Has got manners too. What’s your name dear?”

“‘Deke”

“‘Deke, nice name. We were on our way out; we would have asked that you have a meal with us.” Mofe’s Mom continued

“I was leaving too. I have someone waiting outside, hence my hurry. I am sorry again please. Mofe….”

“Oh, you two know each other? Mofe’s Dad interrupted. They both nodded.

“Okay then, since we are all leaving,” Mofe’s mom said turning to ‘Deke, “I hope you don’t mind paying us a visit? Oh please do not refuse; I’ll love to chat with you. See, I’m always surrounded by these two and they speak another language. Say you’ll come, please dear? She said winking at ‘Deke who couldn’t stop herself from laughing and accepting. “Great, give me your number then.”

“I have that Mom.” Mofe chipped in, looking at ‘Deke with a question in his eyes. She nodded in the affirmative.

“That well huh? Okay, speak with you later then.” She said giving ‘Deke a hug and a peck on the cheek. “Run along now dear, don’t let’s keep you. Bye!”

‘Deke said her goodbye and left.

*

Over the course of the following months, I have become certain of a couple of things: that Mofe’s family is a lovely one indeed; that his Mom is a total clown; that they all love me as family as I do them and that I love Mofe with all my heart.

I have a couple of special memories too:

I remember when his Mom had asked how old I am, Mofe had volunteered “25 “, I had gently corrected that I was going on 29. Mofe’s jaw had almost dropped.

I also remember when he told me point blank that he was interested in me and wanted a relationship with me, and as he was no longer my organisation’s client (I had since moved on to another job), he would like to know my take on his proposal. That was so bold of him and yes, bold is the way I like my men.

Then the date night I gave him my answer (YES!) after dropping me off, he requested for a good night kiss. “A good night peck, you mean.” I corrected, tilting my cheek to him.

“No, a kiss” he corrected as he held my chin and slowly turned my face to his’. When his lips touched mine, I knew my heart had come home.



34 thoughts on “A Beautiful Thing” by abby (@abby)

  1. Haaa…I was looking for something here but i just couldn’t put my hands on it. The story seemed to have a number of deliberate coincidences that were too predictable.

    I know this is in the romance genre but I don’t think it has to be too straightforward and predictable. There was no wow moment. I know you can do better than this.

  2. I swear twas just supposed to be sweet. lol

    1. lol…I know. Myabe you didnt allow the story to gestate properly in your head so that you might add a little intrigue or something.

      Take a good look at your other story ‘Too Late’ – that was a story that had me; I was hooked and tripped at the unexpected end!

  3. Um…is this a series? If not, then that ending was pretty abrupt. I’m also wondering where the story is. Please, Abby, tell me this is a series. Looks like there should be more…

  4. Yeah, this has to be a series, the ending was not complete, and i think the story is too scanty, i couldn’t wrap myself around it.

  5. Awwww…. Realli lykd d endin…

  6. The ending was nice and you have a great storyline but you kind of rushed it. Like you were in a hurry to get where you were going.
    Take your time and let it unfold naturally. Its a sweet story so its worth a re-writing effort.

  7. Hey all; thanks a lot for the comments. Y’all have a way with words.
    Hmm series? I fear oh.

  8. Not every story has to have an intrigue or an ‘aha’! moment.Your story is beautiful for me..Yes,it was a bit abrupt in its ending and it looked like you tool different scenes from a finished book u have and tried to make it into a short story.I feel you will make it even more beautiful if you took a look at it again and re-wrote it…

  9. lovely story.
    i agree with the others.
    it should have been longer or maybe i thought tis was just the beginning of a series.
    sweet sweet story.

  10. Meena-Adekoya (@Olajumoke-Adekoya)

    when i started reading it, i was hoping it was going to be romantic…however even thou all stories are different i still think this one would have been better off with more details about how their love grew, i liked the end, thou i want to ask why you decided to use the 1st person narrative there, i feel it threw the balance of the story a bit sha…i hope it is a series,and there is more…its a very beautiful story pls develop on it

  11. Thanks Estrella, Paul, Jumoke. Yes I know fleshing out works wonders; i kind of thought to go with the ‘less is more’ maxim and leave the obvious inference to you all.
    @Jumoke: I switched to the 1st person because i like to experiment with narrative styles. I guess the trick is in handling and maybe that’s what i didn’t do quite well. Thanks still!

    Ha! This writing business is not an easy something!

  12. Mazi Nwonwu (@Fredrick-chiagozie-Nwonwu)

    Nice one. I do agree with Truthchaser that not every story has that AHA substance. I read your story then the comments and read the story again, though I could see why people felt something is missing, I still think it is a very good effort. Great going, keep writing.

    1. Thanks sir! I appreciate.

  13. Think the story’s a good one. One thing about short stories’s that you’ve got a short time to say a lot. But the story was good. See the great potentials it has as a feature or novel. We’d surely do a collab someday. Kinda feel at home with ur work, estrella’s and some other guys too.

    1. Oh really, thanks Jay. U definitely know how to butter up a gal. lol

  14. Lovely story Abby….I thought it was totally sweet…The switch to the 1st person narrative threw me off a bit too (Like Meena pointed out already)…but you still achieved the ‘sweet’ for me… Well done!!

  15. Eeya Mercy, thanks aplenty.
    I see you are really busy on the site today; we should nominate you the site’s deputy Admin. lol

    1. ha ha ha ha ha!!!! trust you to lay it on me in full does…So I am guessing you have been named the site’s Admin already…lol. Neva a dull moment with Abby!

      1. Abby see as you dey make me mess up my supposedly ‘witty’ comeback..lol. I meant to type ‘full dose’ and not ‘full does’..

        1. Pele but I already comprehended what you so eloquently tried to convey. lol

    2. Admin Abby and Deputy Mercy.
      well done.
      i am silently watching.lol

      1. Oga, how your own bi now?
        Leave us alone oh.
        & that your comment yonder has capacity to cause katakata.

  16. Nooo, me ke. I want you for the top job but someone’s already got it, which is why I advocated the Deputy slot. You have my vote already and that counts for a lot, point wise. I can even lobby Paul for you. What do you say? lol

    1. lol…No thanks…But point wise sha, you and Paul are power bags!..Point God fathers!..oops!! more appropriately Point God mother and God father…lol. Just a lot less busy today that’s all, plus I think the other thing I love more than writing is reading…

    2. @Abby.you sound like you have a thing on me that i dont even know of.
      what could that be?

  17. lol @ the god father and mother bit; god parents would have been more like it.

    I love reading as well; can’t fault that. Lemme leave you alone jare. lol

  18. Nice story, but think it has the potential of been expanded beyond what you put down now.
    Also, you started with a passive narration, but suddenly towards the end you started an active narration with ‘Deke telling thing story. I don’t know if this is deliberate,but I would rather you be consistent with your pattern of narration,as in ,stick to one so you don’t end up getting your readers mixed up.
    “Over the course of the following months, I have become certain of a couple of things…”
    I think the word ‘have’ there should have been ‘had’, as you are narrating in Past Perfect Tense. There are also a few other errors in there with the tenses,but otherwise its a good story.

  19. Abbey hey. Thanks for dropping by; I appreciate it.
    Yes I agree that the story could be more expanded; its actually like a couple scenes stuffed together.
    I delibrately chose to switch narrative styles; its is ‘Deke’s story after all and she picks it up at the end.

    About the part you highlighted, it is correct. The tense couldn’t have been ‘had’ because she’s not telling it in the past tense but in the present.

  20. i loved your story because it is short, neat and simple
    capish.

    1. Thanks girl, I appreciate the stopover.

  21. Must you always infuse your ‘desperado’ or is it ‘salt’ persona in your stories, eh Abby? lol…
    Beautiful story altogether.

  22. Very ccccccuuuuuuteeeee

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