Roy Bolt!

Roy Bolt!

How often do you feel like you’re an extra in an old 007 movie? Ok, maybe not so dramatic but a little something close.

You’re walking along on your own minding your business, earphones in your ear, a lazy spring in your step. It’s 5:30am and you’re on your way to work. It’s going to be a good day, or so you’re hoping.

You’ve walked a little ways from your house heading for the bus stop. An ‘okada’ rides by, slowly. It’s annoying ‘cos you’re trying to cross the road. The rider stalls and looks toward your direction. They’re three on the bike.

You hiss and motion with your hand for them to get a move on. They didn’t see that though, it’s dark out. You finally get on your side of the road where you think you’re safe.

The ‘okada’ rolls a little distance away and then turns back. You’re not suspicious cos he’s free to go and come as many times as he wants at 5:30am on a wet Thursday morning with no potential customers on the road for all you care. This is Lagos.


You look around and notice you’re not the only one on that lonely and dark road after all.

There’s an Alfa (Muslim cleric) walking beside you a little ways ahead.
There’s a young man behind you, obviously going to work like you are.

The guys on the ‘okada’ roll past you a little, then all of a sudden jump down and tackle the guy behind you, pointing some weapon or the other at him. He screams “Wait, please wait”, his hands outstretched to defend himself.

You hear no more. Next thing you know you’re legging it away from the scene as fast as you can. You’re not an athlete or anything. You hate running. You get this crazy knot in your midriff when you sprint but now you’re running crazily down the road, not breathing a word, just huffing and panting.

You look around you mid-sprint, holy smokes! Alfa is scampering off faster than his age coulda carried him. His white robe gathered waist level, his ankle length trousers look like they came customized for such an encounter.

You finally get to the bus stop in one piece, your precious bag tucked under your arm.

You swear under your breath never to drape it over your shoulders anymore, under your arm then under a jacket seem more like it.

You imagine a total stranger rummaging through your stuff hiding away in some dark spot; he’ll take your phone and toss your diary, empty your purse and discard your complementary cards (there goes networking!). You imagine the stress of getting all that back, several trips to the bank to replace your ATMs. ATM ke? Good riddance jo! After losing a whole months pay to e-fraudsters, you might as well keep your money the good old way. Under your bloody mattress, if you’ll excuse my French.

Cut! Snap out of it.

You still have your bag, so Praise be to God.

Good near robbery experience, you say.

Ok, so your 5:30am trips to the bus stop may not cease anytime soon but you’ll fend off any crazy, eye twitching, nostril flaring and angular jawed bandit with your pen- sized torch light, your firmly clenched fists and your face tightened up in an ugly scowl with your upper teeth ferociously gripping your lower lip (get the picture?).

Hope that keeps you safe.
.
Better option? Get your sweet mama to ‘escort’ you to the bus stop. Hopefully they’ll respect some gray hair (make sure she’s not wearing a scarf or anything). lol

Best option? Ps. 91, Works every time.

And oh! I forgot to tell you, you are ROY.

Lol



44 thoughts on “Roy Bolt!” by RemiRoy (@RemiRoy)

  1. Myne Whitman (@)

    I kept laughing as I read this, nice one Bolt! LOl…

  2. Ummi Mai Surutu (@)

    Hehehe! I liked this 🙂

  3. Lmao! Im not Roy but i was once the man (woman, actually) behind Roy. No weapons thankfully. Just two guys on okada making away with my snatched bag. You are right, the 5:30am trips didnt stop (no work, no pay) but i became Roy X 2, lol.
    Thanks for this. It showed me the funny side of my own experience. Im still laughing at myself (and you) as i write this.

  4. “…you’ll fend off any crazy, eye twitching, nostril flaring and angular jawed bandit with your pen- sized torch light…”

    LOL! You’d need to do some nostril flaring and eye twitching of your own to show the bandit that you mean business!

  5. remiroy (@)

    Lol… i guess so, what can a petite lady do under such emotionally draining circumstance?

  6. Profile photo of Mazi Nwonwu
    Mazi Nwonwu (@Fredrick-chiagozie-Nwonwu)

    Very funny, yet carries with it enough detail to convey a sense of the real experience. Yeah, I too have had the unfortunate luck of meeting those damned Okada borne thieves, just wish I had the presence of mind to report it with this much wit. Bravo!

  7. beautiful (@)

    lol!
    really enjoyed this.
    i love your style of writing.

  8. remiroy (@)

    @beautiful. thanks a lot! that’s really good to know. bless u.

  9. You are very funny, i actually laughed and the truth is you mix fun with real life experiences, makes you a good writer, nice work. More please.

  10. Remiroy (@)

    @adeyinka. Tnx, tnx. U’re too kind.

  11. Profile photo of Meena-Adekoya
    Meena-Adekoya (@Olajumoke-Adekoya)

    lol…very funny…loved it…

  12. thx guys…
    @jumoke, u so rock. i love ‘heart’s dance’…

  13. Profile photo of Ugo Chime
    Ugo Chime (@Flourishing-Florida)

    hahahahahahahahaha. very funny

  14. Now this is what I call good writing.

    1. Thanks ma’am. Been to your blog, great!

  15. hmmm, tnx a lot pple.

  16. hahaha….wow, ordinarily this experience would not be funny. but i was rotfl. great one…i love it

  17. Interesting read! Very engaging and a cute expose on the robbery antics that take place on the streets of lagos.

    Oh and I forgot – very funny too –
    “His white robe gathered waist level, his ankle length trousers look like they came customized for such an encounter.” lol!

  18. //You look around you mid-sprint, holy smokes! Alfa is scampering off faster than his age coulda carried him. His white robe gathered waist level, his ankle length trousers look like they came customized for such an encounter.//

    This is, as i like to say, priceless. Lol!!!

    You’re so good!

  19. @Afro’sage’ tnx 4 the comment.
    @uche. i can say the same and even more for you. you’re so good! tnx tho.

  20. laughing ma ass off!!

  21. Hey, just realised i haven’t lent my voice to the avalanche of eulogy lol
    Loved it Roybolt. Extra indeed. Looked to me like you got quite an active part. Mercifully, i haven’t come in contact with guys like those but we are grateful you escaped unscathed.

    Well done again.

  22. @sheenor. lol. tnx
    @abby, i wasn’t a willing participant. the best way to categorise my involvement was ‘extra’. lol. tnx a lot girl!

  23. By far the funniest non-fiction I have read in ages..
    LMAO @”You look around you mid-sprint, holy smokes! Alfa is scampering off faster than his age coulda carried him. His white robe gathered waist level, his ankle length trousers look like they came customized for such an encounter.”
    Remiroy! you are a darn good writer!!!

  24. @awww…and thats the best compliment i’ve heard in a loooong time. tnx girl. i truuuuly appreciate.
    glad you like it!

  25. RemiRoy … keep the good work going … you sure rock!

  26. Tnx Dearie. Tnx a lot!

  27. Nice one,funny.

    1. Lol. tnx girl

  28. DAMN ROY!!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THIS ISH?!?!?!??!

    YOU DO GOOD GIRL…YOU DO GOOD!!!!!

    1. Lol Seun. Wasn’t hiding it naw, it’s been long I wrote this.

      1. WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

        1. LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL 🙂

  29. this piece,………………i dont know how to start
    from top to bottom you rocked it.
    i had fun reading it.
    i would love to see more of this(something like this)more often.
    GGGOOOOOOO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!1

    1. More of this girl? without the possibility of a robbery I guess. 🙂
      Don’t mind me, i get what you mean. thanks a lot! I appreciate.

  30. Hilarious indeed Remi! Even-though I was reading this at dead 2:00am, I couldn’t help letting out a roar of laughter, as you described the old Alufa on his heels. Your humorous wit does your writing a world of good all the time.

    1. Lol Tee. Thanks a lot!
      I still laugh when i read it too, at myself sha, for legging off that fast.
      thanks for the kind words.

  31. @remoroy, this is what i’m talking about, a piece that drags you through all the lines, you got PUNCH!

  32. Creative, funny, short.

  33. Hehehehe…..Take off! Nice.

  34. Hahahahaha, whatever happened to this writer o. Where is she?

  35. Well done….Let’s hope I won’t burst into laughter the next time I see anyone in those long flowing things! True, you rock!

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