Into The Earth

“You were made from soil, and you will become soil again.” – Genesis 3:19

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

M. A. D.

PROPERTY MAN

Ray (a young pastor)

Mrs. Ayaye (one of his followers)

1st Police

2nd Police

3rd Police

Job (a police sergeant)

Hassan (a civil servant)

Joy (his secretary – mistress)

Jellina (a school girl)

Bola (her school friend)

A THIRD SCHOOLGIRL

Chief Ugo (a businessman)

Dibia

[Two people are seen on stage, PROPERTY MAN and a man in rags lying on the bare, sandy floor.  Then, the background music of drums is heard.  This queer music starts to make this man lying on the floor to shake.  He shakes violently as he wakes up and gets to his feet.  The drumming stops.]

man in rags

[with shaking voice] Mad!  Mad!  Mad!  [Drums beat and he dances wildly. PROPERTY MAN comes and holds his two arms.  This stops the wild dancing.] Are you mad?  I am mad.  Let go!  [pulls away from PROPERTY MAN.  Drumming stops.] I am the lizard who fell down from the high iroko tree and felt entitled to praise himself if nobody did.  [charges viciously at PROPERTY MAN, who backs off] I am the tortoise who was trapped in a pit of excrement for two whole markets, but when helpers came to haul him out on the eighth day, he cried, ‘Quick!  Quick!  I cannot stand the stench!’  The name is M. A. D – Mental, Abnormal, Demented.  I am MAD and this is my abode.  I created this place in my humble pride.  But I have this problem.  Several peoples pass through it without respect and mercy.  [sternly] They are tortoises!  Vultures!  Without culture!  [spits out in disgust] They will not let me rest in the place they put me.  [brings his hands together and bows] Divine emissaries on this land are no exception.  Into the earth they go, but they do not know.  [points to the sky] He sent them to change the land, but they join it.  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!

[Drums beat a slow rhythm and this makes MAD dizzy.  MAD sways from side to side and finally slumps to the floor and sleeps.  Drumming stops.  PROPERTY MAN brings two chairs to the stage and makes them face each other.  A young man in a white garment perusing the holy Bible comes in and sits on one of them.  He murmurs inaudibly to himself as he reads in full concentration.  Minutes later, a sumptuous lady timidly struts in and stands beside the other chair.  The young pastor looks up at her and produces a mischievous grin.]

pastor

Ah!  Praise the Lord!  Sit down, Mrs. Ayaye.  [The lady sits down nervously and nervously looks around her.]

MRS. AYAYE

Good morning, Father Ray.

RAY

The Lord be with you, my daughter.  I am happy that you have come.  You see, heaven is rejoicing at a repentant sinner.  [ogles at her with lust]

MRS. AYAYE

Father Ray, you sent a message through my secretary yesterday evening.  What is it?

RAY

[rubs his hands together after placing the Bible on his laps and licks his lips with relish] You see, the day before yesterday, after your husband almost disrupted my flock, I had a disturbing vision that night.

MRS. AYAYE

I must apologise for my husband’s unruly behaviour that day, Father Ray.  It is my humble duty as a wife to make him believe in the God I know of.  He has no god to believe in.

RAY

[scrutinizes her in thought] Hmm!  He is an atheist?  [MRS. AYAYE nods] Bring him for special prayers tomorrow.  [rubs his hands eagerly] I saw your womb roughly covered with a white thin linen but very strong.  Have you a child?

MRS. AYAYE

[shocked] No!

RAY

[squirms in his chair and smiles] Worry not, my daughter.  God is in control.  He will put you on the driver’s seat.

MRS. AYAYE

You saw my womb covered, Father Ray?

RAY

[nods] Yes!  I do not know who did it.  This is a divine vision sent from above.  It is not to be toyed with.  Since this is so, it is not a lie.

MRS. AYAYE

[worried] Is there any way for this linen to be removed?

RAY

My daughter, this is divine revelation for you.  If a problem comes, it comes with a solution.  Yesterday, I was ever prayerful.  And that night, the solution came.  The minute it came, I had to call on you.  Yes!  God shall manifest His power.

MRS. AYAYE

Please, Father Ray.  What is the solution?

RAY

I am happy that you are not Amope.  I am happy that you are not Sidi.  You are Mrs. Ayaye and the solution, Mrs. Ayaye, is to deeply kiss someone that is not your husband.

MRS. AYAYE

[aback] Deeply kiss?  Why?  And why not my husband?

RAY

[humbly raising his hands in the air] Only God knows.  I am a mere servant.

MRS. AYAYE

Is there no other solution?

RAY

Mrs. Ayaye, do you question the authority given to me by God?

MRS. AYAYE

I am not.  I am only asking for another solution to this problem.

RAY

Nothing is impossible with God, my daughter.  Do not doubt Him.  He wants nothing but the best for you and your family.  And this is the only solution, and the best.

MRS. AYAYE

[fidgets] If I cannot ‘deeply kiss’ my husband, then who?

RAY

[licks his lips with relish] I am the instrument of God.  Use me.  [offers her his hands]

[With reluctance, she places her hands on his and they slowly rise from their chairs.  The pastor gently embraces her to himself.  They are about to kiss when they hear a heavy knock on the door and a man say, ‘Darling, are you there?’]

MRS. AYAYE

[draws back] That is my husband.

RAY

[sternly] No human being, nothing hinders the good works of the Lord.  If God says yes, who can say no?

MRS. AYAYE

But, my husband …

RAY

Remember, you were to have your Holy Ghost anointing on the day before the day before yesterday.  But you were at work.  Tell me which one is important.  To have Jesus in your life or to go for carnal things that will never last?

MRS. AYAYE

But Father Ray, I know very well that my husband will not like this solution to this problem I am having.

RAY

[turns his back to her] Suit yourself.  You cannot serve both God and Mammoth.  You choose.  God does not want to see anyone perish.  That is why His Only Son came to save us.  I am a mere servant.  I exist only to serve.  As the Lord said, ‘If you are not accepted there, shake the dust off your feet as a sign against them.’  Mrs. Ayaye, I know you will hate the feeling of being an apostate.

MRS. AYAYE

[Hastily looks back] Why don’t we solve this problem another time?

RAY

[slowly turns back to her] Blasphemy!  Who are you to choose the time when God calls you?  It is either now or never.

MRS. AYAYE

[relents, though grudgingly] Okay then.  Let’s do it.

[Again, the pastor embraces her.  They are prepared for the kiss when ‘Darling, are you still there?’ is heard off stage, said by the same man.  MRS. AYAYE pulls away from RAY and quickly exits.]

RAY

She is rejecting God’s calling.  So the saying is true.  The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  Well, she is in my flock.  I can always get her.

[As he picks up the Bible from the floor, he sees MAD waking up.]

RAY

[does the Sign Of The Cross] The Lord be with you, my son.  [eyes him disgustingly]  My dear brother in Christ.

[MAD stretches his body and gets up.  He sees RAY.]

MAD

[angrily] Will you get off my abode, you tortoise!!!  You do not seem to know who seniors you.  Are you mad?  [hisses] You Ananse!!!

RAY

May the Lord forgive your uncleanliness.  [quickly exits]

[Angrily, MAD kicks down the chairs and PROPERTY MAN picks them up and takes them away.]

MAD

[shakes his head regretfully] The law is bought.  The law is bought, O!!!  I put in a law and the peoples do not abide.  [stands at attention and salutes] Yes!  This is power, mighty power, that is bought.  For how much, I wonder?  A dog that will get lost will not heed the hunter’s whistle.  In this land, the frowning of a he-goat does not stop it from being priced.  But` it is the other way round.  Here, there is a great trivision: the people with the hoe, the people with the pen and the people with the gun.  [regretfully shakes his head again] This is a hell.

[MAD stretches his body and yawns deeply.  Then, he slumps down and sleeps off.  PROPERTY MAN comes and shifts him to the down left of the stage as three uniformed policemen enter.  PROPERTY MAN tosses guns at them each.  The three policemen put their guns into their holsters.]

1st POLICE

Nna men!  Dis police job don dey tire me, O!

2nd POLICE

Just see de kind yeye salary dem dey give us sef.

3rd POLICE

[proudly] As for me, oga sa say I go go for checkpoint.

1st/2nd POLICE

[surprised] Na so?

2nd POLICE

Which time im give you dis kind promotion?

3rd POLICE

E tey well well.  Na my uncle arrange am.

1st POLICE

[thoughtfully] Nna men, I no tink about dis ting, O!  I for do am myself.  My own uncle no de oga.  Well, anyway, na my luck be dat.

2nd POLICE

Hey, my guys, shebi de name of our oga na Sargent Job?

3rd POLICE

Ehe.  Wetin you wan use im name do?  Shebi you talk say na yeye salary im dey give you?

2nd POLICE

[angrily] Shut up, wayo man!  I no say na so so green, green notes you go dey collect for dat checkpoint.

1st POLICE

[after peeping off stage] Nna men, Sargent Job dey come, O!!

[The three policemen stand at attention as a man dressed in a lemon yellow suit, black tie and black shoes storms elegantly in.  PROPERTY MAN tosses an automatic at him, which quickly goes into the inner pocket of his blazer.]

1st/2nd/3rd POLICE

Sargent Job, sir!!!!!!!!!!

JOB

[with the Queen’s English that is a bit unkempt] Good morning.  It is good that you have come early for work.  You know the consequences for late-coming.  [The three policemen whisper amongst themselves.  JOB bellows aloud] Attention!  [The three policemen obey the order.  Angrily] You dare to whisper at my presence?  [pauses] Now, you know what you are to do.  The police is no joke.  The workload here is strong and great.  Look at our comrade here.  [indicates 3rd POLICE, who stands at ease] He worked very hard to get to where he is today.  Follow in his footsteps!  Work very hard!  Right, boys?

1st/2nd/3rd POLICE

[scream] Yes, Sargent Job, sir!!!!!!

JOB

[nods with satisfaction] Good.  You maintain law and order.  [starts to loiter with hands behind him] You uphold the law.  [smiles mischievously] And you protect the innocent.  [screams] Is that clear??

1st/2nd/3rd POLICE

[shouts] Yes, Sargent Job, sir!!!

JOB

[slowly nods, his tone changed to a baritone] Now, remember that a cow is normally bigger than a sheep, even at birth.  [brings out the automatic] There is power in this.  Right, boys?

1st/2nd/3rd POLICE

Yes, Sargent Job, sir!!!!!  [stand at ease afterwards]

1st POLICE

[in Hausa-ed English] Kaji kwo, mallam Saarigentu Job, make I go dey looku, dey checku my harem, na gwo de!

2nd POLICE

[in Yoruba-ed English]  Tori-Olorun, I wan maa-lo for my village for Ijebu.  Oga sa, e jo!

3rd POLICE

[in Igbo-ed English] Chukwunna biko!  Allow me go visit my preginante Nwunye!

JOB

[bellows angrily] Will you three brats shut your traps!  [points to the exit] Get to work!  Go to your offices!  Immediately!!

1st/2nd/3rd POLICE

[stand at attention] Yes, Sargent Job, sir!!!!!  [exit one after the other]

[After some moments, JOB turns to go when he sees MAD.  He turns back and slowly smiles mischievously.]

JOB

[amused] This person lies there like one particular abandoned black sherbet girl I remember endicking some time ago back in good old England.

[He points the automatic at him and presses the trigger.  Water comes out from the barrel and is sprinkled on MAD.  This makes him wake up suddenly.  JOB laughs sarcastically and exits.]

MAD

[annoyed] May the person who baptized me with this liquid never live to bear children!!  Idiot!!  Did you hear me, wherever you are?  [PROPERTY MAN uses a handkerchief to clean the water off MAD’s face.  Afterwards, MAD snatches the handkerchief away from him, gets up and bellows.] There are just houses, not homes.  Yes!!!  Several fine designer houses.  Never was one of them a home.  [sighs and shakes his head sadly] When the air is fouled by a man on top of a palm tree, the fly is confused.  [loiters thoughtfully] The world is changing.  I do not like it.  Should an overblown fool dangling empty testicles forget himself because wealth entered his house by mistake?

[PROPERTY MAN clobbers him with a dry log of wood.  MAD collapses.  PROPERTY MAN throws away the log of wood and brings in a chair and table and puts them on centre stage.  He puts a bell and a telephone on the table.  Immediately after this setting, vigorous drumming without rhythm is heard.  The drumming stops as soon as a man in a black suit carrying a briefcase enters in.  He sits on the chair, puts the briefcase on top of the table, brings out documents and files from it and puts the briefcase on the floor.  He picks up a file and goes through it idly.]

man in black suit

Mothers are so understanding.  Kai!  They are so easy to talk to.  Consultation officers.  Yes!  That’s what they are.  [The telephone rings.  He picks it up] Hello?  Hassan here …  [his tone becomes drab and dry] Yes, my sugar-pie, what is it? … Cook me anything that comes to your mind, dear – except poison … Yes, yes, I will be home early … How is little Senior? … Tell him that I think of him as well, darling.  [hastily hangs up] I just had a sweet heart-to-heart talk with my aging mother and now, I am hearing the voice of my unwanted wife.  [sighs] If not for family pressure, she merely does not exist for me.  They kept telling me, ‘Get a woman.  Get a woman.’  I was so fed up.  So I told them, ‘Get me a woman.  Get me a woman.’  So, they brought her.  [takes out a Robot banana bubble gum from the breast pocket of his blazer and pops it into his mouth] Well, might maketh man.  [resumes reading the file.  After some minutes, he rings the bell.] Joy!  Joy!  Joy!

[A lady in a skirt suit, miniskirt as her skirt, white transparent leggings and high-heeled shoes elegantly comes in flipping through a document.  HASSAN drops his file on the table and ogles at her.]

JOY

Good morning, Mr. Hassan.  It is good to be at work once again.

HASSAN

[absentmindedly returns to his file] Yes, yes, it is.  Em, any message from our rival, Shehu, yet?

JOY

[surprised] Sir, that man is hell-bent on suing the industry.  He is even asking me out.

HASSAN

[his face slowly flushes with anger and he bellows] When did this one happen?

JOY

Last week.  Over the phone.  Well, I made him realize that I am not an OPP.

HASSAN

[smiles] That is what I want to hear.  [gets up and embraces her] Now, that one is solved.  Let’s get down to business.

JOY

[drops her document on the table] What about the ones on your desk, sir?

HASSAN

That can wait.

JOY

[slowly nods] I like you, Mr. Hassan.  You always keep your promises.  But what about your wife?

HASSAN

Which wife?  She is just a homemaker.  Right now, I am thinking about Nicon Noga Hilton Hotel.  I am thinking about room service and I am thinking about the waterbed.  [suddenly stern] Your greeting was incorrect.  The sun has become intense.  We have crossed over to the next season, dearie.

JOY

Oh.  Well, [wraps her arms round him] good afternoon, Mr. Hassan.  Does that make things better now?

HASSAN

[ogles at her lustfully] That makes everything better.  [kisses her neck]

JOY

Sir, if you are thinking of Nicon Noga Hilton Hotel, room service and the waterbed, how about thinking of the business on your desk and your wife and son?

HASSAN

Not when something greater than them all is in my arms.  [gently kisses one cheek, then the other]

JOY

[snuggles closer to him with a wide smile] Do you always get what you want, Mr. Hassan?

HASSAN

[kisses her forehead] What I want, I take.  [kisses her fully on the mouth.  Then, he takes her by the hand] Let’s go.

JOY

[with feigned surprise] So early?  Where to?

HASSAN

To the Hotel, to room service and to the waterbed.  I am just taking what I want.

[Together, hand in hand, they exit.  PROPERTY MAN packs all the documents and files into the briefcase and takes it away.  Then, he takes away the chair and table, along with the bell and the telephone.  Afterwards, he is back on stage, sits on the floor and watches MAD.  After a few minutes, he gets up, brings in a plastic bucket of water and pours it on MAD.  This wakes MAD up and a fight ensues between him and PROPERTY MAN.  In the end, MAD comes out victorious.]

MAD

[sternly] Once there was a great wrestler whose back had never known the ground.  He wrestled from village to village until he had thrown every man in the world.  Then he decided that he must go and wrestle in the land of the spirits, and become champion there as well.  He went, and beat every spirit that came forward.  Some had seven heads, some ten; but he beat them all.  His companion who sang his praise on the flute begged him to come away, but he would not, his blood was roused, his ears nailed up.  Rather than heed the call to go home, he gave a challenge to the spirits to bring out their best and strongest wrestler.  So they sent him his personal god, a little wiry spirit who seized him with one hand and smashed him on the stony earth.  [slowly nods with pride] Into the earth he went, for into the earth he came.  [points a finger at PROPERTY MAN] You were lucky you were not smashed like he was.  Or else, it would have been a different story.  You peoples won’t allow me to rest at the place you put me.  Such fiddlesticks!!!  [sighs] The mouth is such a lovely part of the body, perhaps the third, fourth or fifth delicate part.  I am not very sure about it.  It is used to say beautiful and ugly things but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that it was also used to kill.  [snaps his fingers in bafflement] Kill!  Kill!  The mouth is a killer, O!!  A hunter who is prepared to kill a Rhino should be prepared to carry it.  [sits down and yawns] Gosh!  This conquest has welcomed sleep.  [yawns again and stretches his body] Is this a curse?

[Gradually, MAD slumps down and sleeps off.  PROPERTY MAN gets up and removes the dust off him.  He then places two school bags on centre stage.  Drumming off stage ensues.  It stops when two schoolgirls in uniform enter and pick up the two schoolbags each.]

schoolgirl 1

[excited] Did you see that new boy that just came to school?

schoolgirl 2

[equally excited] Really?  Tell me something!  Which new boy?

schoolgirl 1

Ah!  Jellina, you dey slack behind, O!!  You dey miss!  I mean, that boy looks loaded, O!!

JELLINA

[slightly annoyed] Wetin de matter wit you sef?  Abeg, give me the low-down, Bola.

BOLA

He is drop dead handsome!  I would not mind going for him.

JELLINA

Bola, sef!  Give him breathing space, now.  Shebi he is new?  Let him feel the intensity of this school.

BOLA

Sam-Sam!!!  That guy is without blemish.  Never can you see such guys like that.

JELLINA

How are you so sure?

BOLA

I can be sure by giving him a try first. [She and JELLINA laugh amongst themselves.  A THIRD SCHOOLGIRL walks past them, wearing the same uniform and carrying a schoolbag.  BOLA and JELLINA eye her as she walks and BOLA hisses.] An offensive smell has just passed.

JELLINA

She always feels too big of herself.

BOLA

Her mother and father are two petty traders working hand in hand.

JELLINA

[laughs] Tell me something!  Can’t her parents find better jobs?  Look at how haggard their daughter’s uniform is!!

BOLA

[whispers] I heard of recent that her kid brother was raped by a mad man.

JELLINA

[surprised] Impossible!  How can that be?

BOLA

Na so I hear am, O!  No tell anyone say I tell you.  You no say her senior sister is a prostitute?

JELLINA

That one is common news.  It will soon be a dead letter.

BOLA

Do you blame her for keeping her nose high like the English?  She is avoiding shame.

[They get startled when MAD wakes up from his sleep and sees them.]

MAD

[angrily] Will you get off my abode, you vultures!!  What are you doing here?  Are you mad?  [Frightened, the girls skedaddle away from the stage.  Sighs] Do you blame a vulture for perching over a carcass?  No way!!  [gets up and stretches] Well, when Suffering knocks at your door and you say that there is no seat left for him, he tells you not to worry because he has brought his own stool.  [shakes his head sadly] Kai!  How minute the air can be!!!  We are not growing any younger.  We are not getting any wiser.  Bat said he knew his ugliness and chose to fly at night.  [shakes his head a second time] Soon enough, we shall see God’s curtains.  At that time, we shall never see at all, sef.  [starts to sob]

[PROPERTY MAN spreads a mat on stage and puts udala seeds on it.  He then goes over to console MAD.  Meanwhile, a man with half of his stomach painted with white chalk, as well as half of his face, tying only a wrapper, comes in, sits on the mat and shakes the udala seeds with one hand.  He is smoking a cigarette.  After several minutes, a middle-aged man in a white embroidered agbada and cap with shoes to match comes in carrying a black nylon bag.  Gradually, MAD stops sobbing and turns to watch them.]

man in agbada

[tosses the nylon bag at the man in wrapper] Here are the parts you told me to get for you.

man in wrapper

[angrily] Is that how to salute the man that will soon make you richer?

man in agbada

[sits beside him] Do you know what I have been through?

man in wrapper

[smiles] Haba, Chief Ugo!  It was not that bad.

CHIEF UGO

[angrily] What the hell do you mean, you wretched dibia!!?  How could you make me sleep with my very own sister and kill her to get her parts?  [shakes his head] Chei!  I am as good as a dead man.

DIBIA

[shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly and throws the udala seeds on his mat] Shebi you want more money.

CHIEF UGO

We are only two in the family.  And now, one is dead, killed by the other.  [looks up sorrowfully] I have no heart.

DIBIA

[nudges at him] Aren’t you a chief?  Please, don’t disgrace the manhood by your ululations.  Would you prefer to sit and wait for manna?  No!  That is unheard of!!  You have to do almost everything to get what you want in this world.  And you have to get it fast.  The world will soon come to an end.  [takes the nylon bag] Have you washed off the blood from them?

CHIEF UGO

I have.

DIBIA

Where is the money?

[CHIEF UGO fishes out a rim of fifty naira notes, five bundles in it, from one of the huge pockets of his agbada and gives it to him.  MAD laughs sarcastically and approaches them.]

MAD

I salute you, my peoples, I formally greet.

[CHIEF UGO and DIBIA are startled at the sudden appearance of MAD.  DIBIA quickly takes the cigarette off his mouth.]

CHIEF UGO

[whispers] I thought this was a private affair.

MAD

At this point, at this place, we finally meet.

CHIEF UGO

[angrily gets up from the mat] You wretched dibia, you tricked me!!

DIBIA

[pleading] I am much too popular to do such a thing, my chief.

CHIEF UGO

[sternly] Return my money to me or I will have your head!!

[Very reluctantly, the DIBIA gives him back the money and nylon bag.  CHIEF UGO turns and exits.]

DIBIA

[annoyed] You mad man, you ruined my business!!

MAD

[sighs] It is the blue flame in the stove that cooks the food, not the yellow one.

DIBIA

[smokes his cigarette at length and gets up with an air of importance] If not that you were mad, you would have been in my pot of soup for a long time.

MAD

Then, you must be mad.  The native doctor never doubts the potency of his medicine until he is forced to accept the corpse of a child.  [smiles] Welcome to my abode!

DIBIA

[angrily throws away his cigarette] I cannot stand this disgrace and loss!!  [exits]

[MAD throws back his head and laughs.  Meanwhile, PROPERTY MAN takes away the mat and udala seeds.]

MAD

Yes!  The thing greater than nte has been caught in nte’s trap.  The man who brings ant-infested faggots into his hut should not grumble when lizards begin to pay him a visit.  If a man knows that his anus is small, he should not swallow an udala seed.  [shakes his head] They come and go into the earth, and I am no exception.  Ekwensu really lived in this land and still does, and always will.  There is no change.  Can it end?

[Vigorous rhythmic drumming is heard as PROPERTY MAN runs in and strangles MAD from behind.  MAD struggles for his life, but unfortunately, he dies and slumps into PROPERTY MAN’S arms.  PROPERTY MAN drags him out of the stage.  Gradually, the drumming stops.]

CURTAINS

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